My New Daughter-in-Law Thinks Everyone Is Out to Get Her, Including Her Stepdaughter

This is a newsletter bonus question. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son married his second wife after they got pregnant accidentally. He loves his youngest son, and he also has a son and daughter from his first marriage. His second wife comes from a bad family situation and has a real chip on her shoulder. She’s always having conflicts with others, most originating from some real or imagined slight. She bad mouths the older children’s mother, who is a good, loving parent and has honestly carried more of the load than my son. His second wife cannot get along with my oldest granddaughter. My granddaughter cannot stand her. I want to love her and help her, but I don’t know how. I worry she will blow up my son’s family with her knee-jerk reactions and grudge holding. I worry about my son and my grandchildren.

—What Can Grandma Do?

There isn’t much you can do, unfortunately, but it is worth trying to speak with your daughter-in-law. You can try lovingly talking to her about her behavior and your concerns about her relationship with her stepchildren and their mother. It’s possible that by confronting her directly and with care, she may be inspired to change her ways…but it isn’t likely, especially if you’ve already tried to discuss these issues with her before.

Otherwise, you can offer support to your grandchildren by being someone they can talk to about their frustrations with their stepmother and by talking to their father about what’s going on. It’s possible that he doesn’t realize how much her behavior is affecting them, particularly your granddaughter, and they need to have someone advocate on their behalf. Let him know that things need to change in order for his children to feel happy and secure in his home. Hopefully, you’ll be able to reach your son and daughter-in-law, but if not, it’s important that you continue to reassure your grandchildren that this situation is not their fault and that they will always have you to turn to for a listening ear..

My only sister has harbored feelings her whole life that she was not as loved by our parents as my brother and me. She has seen therapists for this and struggled with these feelings for many years. After we all learned of this as adults, we tried to be as loving and kind to her as possible. So when our father died a few years ago, my brother and I were horrified and baffled to learn that she was indeed excluded from his will!