My Husband Doled Out an Archaic Punishment to Our Child. His “Justification” Is Just as Bad.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I came home from running errands a few days ago to find my 5-year-old son, “James,” in tears. He said his dad had put a bar of soap in his mouth for calling him an asshole after my husband threw water on the dog for getting into the garbage. I am furious. My husband says his mother used to do the same thing to him and his sister for bad language when they were kids so the punishment was appropriate. When I said I never wanted it to happen again, his response was “that’s up to James.” What can I do?

​Even though “divorce him” would be a sufficient enough response, I’ll stretch this out a little so I can dunk on your husband a bit more. Like, seriously? Is your husband 115 years old? Lemme guess: He also smokes unfiltered Camels and prefers to use leaded gasoline in his Buick Skylark.

​His behavior and insistence that this is “appropriate” punishment are disturbing. I’m not a licensed therapist, but I’m sure there are millions of them out there who will tell you that he will cause many emotional problems and instability throughout your entire household if he continues to treat your son—and your dog—this way. His behavior is cruel and wrong.

​I would give him a harsh ultimatum that explains you don’t ever want him to use such humiliating, abusive punishment method ever again. If he hits you with another “that’s up to James,” then immediately throw water on his head and congratulate him on his promotion to World Class Asshole. Or obviously, divorce him—and push for full custody.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 10-year-old son “Ryan” is friends with another boy, “Matthew,” also 10—but not for long if my wife “Rebecca” has anything to say about it. The reason is completely stupid. Over the weekend, Ryan and Matthew were riding their bikes in the street in front of our house. Then Rebecca saw they had made a game of lining up snails and trying to crush all of them in a single pass.

She sent Matthew home and now says Ryan is banned from playing with him because she fears he’s going to influence him to do something worse because he engaged in “animal cruelty.” I could understand her being concerned if it was something like a cat or dog that was harmed, or even a pocket pet. But these are snails and they are 10-year-old boys. I wouldn’t go freaking out over something like this. Ryan is on the shy side; he doesn’t have a lot of friends, and I see no reason to end a friendship that he values. What can I do to convince Rebecca that Matthew isn’t a budding serial killer and won’t turn our son into one either?

Dear Calm Down,​I have this vivid memory of being around 10 or 11 years old, playing “lightning bug baseball” with my cousins on many a summer night, splattering their carcasses all over our wiffleball bats so we could turn them into light sabers—and never thinking for a minute that they were actual living things. We didn’t have a bloodthirsty desire to make bugs die, we were just goofing off. And yeah, I definitely had some minor behavioral issues here and there at all moments of my life, but I don’t think any of them were linked back to this.

I’d start from the place of assuming your son and Matthew didn’t understand that what they did as cruel, either. (And yes, I know you don’t think it is, but it is—just as my lightning bug slaughter was cruel, too.) My point—yes, I do think your wife is overreacting here, I understand her instinct. No one wants their child to be a cruel person, and seeing a child exhibit behaviors we’ve typically associated with those types of people is jarring. ​

Separating Ryan and Matthew right now won’t do anything besides make your son feel like a shameful freak and also sever one of his strongest friendships. I’d encourage you and your wife to talk to Ryan together. Tell him that torturing and killing living creatures is cruel and unkind (even snails and lightning bugs). Your wife should apologize to your son for telling him he couldn’t be friends with Matthew, but should say that her overreaction was because she takes this so seriously. You both should say that it’s important that this never happen again, and that if Matthew does suggest they torture and kill more creatures, Ryan should feel comfortable speaking up.

I knew plenty of kids who did the equivalent of snail-crushing games, and none of them became serial killers as far as I can tell. I did a quick google search on some of the real dirtbags just to make sure, with nothing of note, though one of the guys became very rich in the roofing business and is now pivoting into the manosphere influencer space, which may qualify as its own level of sociopathy. I think Ryan and Matthew are still good kids, and that this can be a blip.

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