My Girlfriend’s Intense Enjoyment of Sex Is Uh, Ruining It for Me
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I hate how I’ll sound writing this, but my girlfriend may be too aroused in bed for me to enjoy it. Let me explain.
Every time we go for penetration, she’s so wet there’s hardly any friction, and I can’t really feel much. This is pretty much the case if we have a lot of foreplay leading up to penetration, or even a bit less; she’s just naturally pretty lubricated. I’ve never told her anything about this for fear of hurting her feelings. But I’d love to have some more friction down there, and I’ve never dealt with this problem before. We’ve been dating for six months, and I was hoping we’d figure it out with time, but I’m realizing this is just how it is every time. Help.
Dear Slip ‘N Slide,
If you’re using condoms, go for non-lubricated, traditional latex. They’re often too drying for a lot of people, but in your case, I think the downside might actually be a positive. If you aren’t using condoms, you can finish up foreplay with some deep fingering, kind of scoop on your way out, and wipe your hand on anything appropriate and available. This might be a small towel, or it might be your own thigh. Lastly, sometimes pressure can be a functional substitute for friction. If that seems like it might work for you, try positions where her legs are squeezed together or even crossed. She can squeeze her legs in missionary—whether they’re flat on the bed or she’s bent at the waist—face down on the bed while you enter from behind, bent over a counter or braced on a wall from behind, or cross them in “spoon” positions where you’re both lying on your side. If you’re long enough and you’re both game, she can also try getting on top with her legs closed and placed between yours. That last one will provide more of a rubbing/grinding motion than a thrusting one.
Ideally, the two of you have the kind of relationship where you can communicate freely about sex and your preferences. Lots of women feel the same way about being “too wet” as most men feel about being “too big,” so it can be a point of pride. But some do carry shame from being told that it’s gross or unladylike. If you have a sense that she’s in the former category, do frame this as a champagne problem—and have the conversation during a quiet moment outside of sexual interaction—but don’t stress about it.
It can be as simple as, “I love how wet you get, [insert any accurate details about why it is hot, how it may turn you on, and what you might enjoy about it outside of penetration], but it makes it hard for me to orgasm. Can we try [insert whichever workaround seems most appealing to you]?” She might have some ideas of her own, too.
If you don’t have that kind of relationship, or she seems sensitive about her body or overt expressions of her sexuality, start building that rapport with subjects that are less potentially combustible, especially if you see any kind of long-term future with this woman. The longer a status quo of silence goes on in a relationship, the harder it is to shift later, and solid communication skills about this stuff will save you a lot of strife.
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