My Husband Refuses One Part of Our Sex Life. I’m Not Sure I Can Live With It.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. He’s 55 and I’m 40. We have sex twice a month if we’re lucky, and normally, I’m the one to start it. He almost always requests the same thing.

He requests a blow job. But he never reciprocates. Never. If I don’t, he will sometimes refuse to have sex. He hasn’t done any type of stimulation in years—oral, digital, or otherwise. I keep it trim and tidy down there, so an unwanted flossing wouldn’t be an issue. When I mention this to him, he changes the subject. I’ve tried sexy nighties, romantic evenings—everything just to try to get him to touch me—but nothing has worked. I’ve gained a few pounds over the years, but I am still fit at 130 pounds and 5’5”, so I think I still look good. He hasn’t changed. We both have stressful jobs and work long hours, but touching (sexual stimulation of any kind) and sex was always like a stress relief for us in the past. I haven’t had an orgasm in years. Any advice on how I could get him to touch me again like he did 20 years ago?

I would rebuff his request for head and present him with a request of your own: an explanation for why he won’t reciprocate on you. If he won’t give you oral, the least he can give you is an answer. He may have reasons for declining with which you can empathize, and he’s definitely not obligated to engage in any sexual behavior. But he is obligated to tend to the well-being of his wife, even if it’s just emotionally. Does he realize you haven’t come in years? Tell him! In those words! Right now!

From: My Friend Thinks She’s Having Sex With a Ghost. (July 27, 2020).

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m a woman in a new relationship, and I recently made a discovery about my boyfriend of 10 months that I’m not sure what to do with.

I won’t say why, but I found out my boyfriend is paying for sex sometimes outside the relationship. This is not “allowed,” as we’ve never officially had hall passes, but we’ve hinted at sexual non-exclusivity as being something we’re open to. I’m honestly not really upset—since the sex he is having is purely transactional (and, as far as I can tell, with a safe professional), to me emotionally it’s not a big deal. Even if it was other platonic sex I think I’d be fine with it. Our sex life is solid and I like other parts of the relationship. But at the least, I’d like him to be able to tell me if he’s not sexually satisfied and be honest. I care more about that than what he did to solve the problem, if that makes sense. Should I talk to him, and how?

The why, or more importantly how, of your finding out about this is pretty important. If you were looking through your boyfriend’s phone or emails, you’ll need to start with an apology. This might need to be an entirely separate conversation from the conversation about his sexual activities. If you found out through other channels, you can ignore this paragraph.

Even though you profess not to care about what you found out, the language you’re using—”not sexually satisfied” and “what he did to solve the problem”—suggests you might be feeling like you’re deficient in some way, or like you must meet all of your partner’s sexual desires. That isn’t always possible. Sure, people often have this pernicious idea that the two people in a couple should be able to meet all of each others’ needs and desires, but that doesn’t seem to be the case in practice for many people. There’s a big chance that he gets something out of these transactional relationships that can’t be replaced by a partner.

Still, you are correct—he should have talked to you about this. It sounds like you want to stay in the relationship. If that’s the case, spend some time thinking about what you know you bring to the relationship, and reminding yourself of what you appreciate about him. Then bring it up. If you haven’t been snooping, you can simply tell him you’re aware he has other sexual partners and go from there. Pick your time wisely—when everyones’ biological needs are taken care of, when you have plenty of time to talk and deal with complicated emotions, and when you aren’t likely to be interrupted. Good luck.

From: I Accidentally Made an Eye-Popping Discovery About My New Boyfriend’s Sex Life. (Nov. 16, 2021).

Dear How to Do It,

I have been with my significant other for over five years. We take care of three kids and are currently about to have another. I always knew that he didn’t like oral sex, but I am a person who used to get oral sex, and I really do like it. I feel like I’ve settled just to please him: I will give it to him, I please him all the time, but I never get it back, and over the years I’ve stopped asking because I know how much he doesn’t like it. It always bothered me, but I never said anything because of the confrontation and defense. When we do have a conversation about it, I usually say, “I don’t want you doing anything you’re uncomfortable with because it is not going to feel right.” Our sexual behaviors have reduced in frequency in recent years. We have had infidelities, including when I stepped out because of not receiving that oral attention.

I try to explain my desires to him—“I want you to actually be enthusiastic about it and care that you’re doing this for me just as I do for you”—but at this point our sex life is just not what I want. I don’t like it, but I don’t want to cheat on him again. Am I wrong for feeling like this, or am I wrong for wanting more than what he’s offering? Because I feel like I’m just settling just to please him.

Dear Hot and Bothered,

You’re in a sexually one-sided relationship with a person whom you share the care of three—soon to be four—children with. And, when you try to broach this subject, you’re met with defense. In two paragraphs, you describe yourself as “settling just to please him” twice. You’ve stepped out, returned, and still aren’t happy with the sex you’re having. I assume there are reasons you are still partnered with this man and that he has positive qualities that attracted you in the first place. Make an actual list, and make a list of your points of resentment. Does one list feel shorter or less significant than the other? Maybe he hasn’t exhibited those good aspects in a while, or maybe you’ve become so focused on this oral sex issue that you aren’t noticing them as much now.

Is it possible for you to see a therapist individually for a few months to get some help understanding your position and what you need changed? I think it’d be very useful for you. Other questions to work through: Can you be happy this way? Do you need the ability to engage in sex with someone who pleases you? Would you want to leave entirely or work out an open arrangement? A few sessions of couples counseling also might help you and your partner have a productive conversation about oral sex.

I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting your partner to enthusiastically want to give you oral pleasure, but I do think you might be at an impasse. Whatever it is that puts him off, your dude doesn’t like performing cunnilingus, and there isn’t anything I know of that can change that. Good luck.

From: My Partner Doesn’t Like Oral Sex, so I Had an Affair. (May 18, 2021).

More Sex Advice from Slate

I’m a woman who’s been married to my husband for six years. Every few months or so, we get into an argument because he feels like we don’t have sex enough and I don’t initiate enough. Honestly, he is right. But it’s because his hygiene is downright repulsive most days. I have to ask him to brush his teeth in the morning. I have to ask him to wipe the leftovers dripping from his chin after every meal, and wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. Every. Day. And he just laughs it off and calls me a “germaphobe.” If I push the issue, he gets defensive and pissed that I’m bothering him about it. I don’t feel like I’m asking too much, and I can definitely tell it is affecting our sex life. How can I get it across to him that if he cleaned up his act, I would want to be more intimate with him?