There’s Something Specific Women Do in Their Daily Lives That Drives Me Wild. My Wife Won’t Indulge Me.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I have been married for the last 10 years. I have a kink that my previous girlfriend indulged. But my wife firmly says no.

I love the feminine musky smell of my wife’s private parts. Growing up and in my teenage years, I would access women’s underwear in my house in laundry baskets, which I would use to masturbate.

She thinks it’s dirty and unhygienic. She goes to extra lengths to buy pH-neutral soaps to clean herself, which I hate. I tried explaining and cajoling her, but she thinks I am weird and dirty. We otherwise have a decent sex life, but lately, I am resentful of her behavior. Nowadays, I buy used knickers online secretly. What do I do? I tried quitting my habit, but the smell drives me crazy.

Many women grew up being told that their bodies, especially their genitals, were dirty in a way that is linked with morality and shame around sexuality. That’s probably a factor in your wife’s rejection of your kink as dirty and unhygienic. Another possible aspect is that taking underwear out of the laundry basket for sexual use tends to cause the owner of the underwear to feel invaded or violated unless consent has been given, so your wife’s use of language like “weird” may have a layer of empathy for the possessors of panties past.

Before you consider the available courses of action, you need to decide what’s most important to you: your kink or your wife. You may be wondering whether there’s a way to have both. That might be possible. Talking openly, working with a couples counselor who specializes in sex, and negotiating boundaries could leave you with both your marriage intact and some kind of agreement that allows you to satisfy your desires. In case you’re tempted to continue sneaking around behind your wife’s back as you have been, hoping she remains oblivious, know that she may already be aware and is ignoring the signs she sees. That has a strong chance of blowing up in your face, whether because she eventually notices or gets tired of pretending she doesn’t know. Ongoing secrecy chips away at the foundation of relationships, regardless of the secret ever coming to light.

Opening this discussion up again, especially with any request to attend therapy together or negotiate a status quo other than the one in place, does risk causing more agitation (and subjecting you to more shaming statements about your kink). You can independently seek out a therapist who is comfortable addressing sexuality—they will be able to consider whether there are any clinically significant conditions at play here, and help you evaluate potential interventions. If your kink is more of a priority than preserving your marriage, you’ll probably be more comfortable making a firm push for counseling. But if your wife is significantly more important, it’ll likely make the most sense to explore options for, as you put it, quitting your habit.

Cajoling (which can be a soft word for coercion) and explaining are usually less effective than listening. If you’re able to take a position of curiosity and genuine desire to understand your wife’s aversion to allowing you to smell her, you might find that your resentment unwinds, or that you’re able to have more productive conversations about ways to achieve a consensual compromise. You’ll likely need several talks to detangle all the emotions and hear and share everything that needs to be said before any negotiations are feasible. You may be able to start these discussions with a question, or you may need to apologize for past behavior first—that’ll depend on what exactly has already occurred and how hurt your wife feels.

Get a sense of what you’re willing to give up and risk losing before you make any moves.

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