Help! My Brother’s Horrid Behavior Has Pushed Me to the Breaking Point. But I’m Not Sure I Can Stomach the Solution.

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I’m struggling with a family dilemma I never thought I’d have to face: balancing time with aging parents against the presence of a brother whose behavior has become intolerable.

My brother has always been the favorite child, and my parents have enabled him for as long as I can remember. But this past Thanksgiving was a breaking point.

He spent the entire gathering spewing racist, sexist, and homophobic language—truly vile epithets every few sentences. Attempts to redirect, call him out, or set a different tone were ignored or mocked. My spouse, who is typically calm and extremely patient, became visibly uncomfortable, and we ended up arguing afterward about whether we can continue attending any event where my brother is present.

This isn’t new behavior—my brother and I have never gotten along—but it has escalated, especially in recent years. He treats my parents’ homes (they’re divorced) like personal clubhouses. And because he lives locally, proximity and favoritism give him constant access and influence.

After Thanksgiving, I texted my family stating that my spouse and I could only attend future gatherings if bigoted language is completely off-limits. My brother laughed at the idea of changing anything, and my parents responded that they “don’t agree with all of my opinions” and that I should just tolerate him for the sake of family togetherness.

Here’s the complication: My father’s side of the family is significantly older and dealing with health issues. I fear that if I hold to this boundary—no events where my brother is freely active and unfiltered—I will lose time with relatives who may not have much left. The idea that they might pass away without seeing me again is heartbreaking.

I would happily host visits at our home out-of-state, but my family has shown little interest in traveling. It feels like the burden is on me to either accept hateful behavior or give up precious time with loved ones.

Is there a compromise or “third way” I’m missing? Should I plan occasional non-holiday visits when my brother can be excluded without drama? Or is it time to accept that protecting my spouse and myself from bigotry outweighs the guilt and potential grief? How do I navigate the grief of two different kinds of loss at once?

—Trying to Do What’s Right

Jenée Desmond-Harris: How “precious” is the time, really, when your brother is shouting our racial slurs, the normal people are saying “Please don’t say that.” and he’s yelling “You goddamn lib snowflakes!” Is that experience with your elderly relatives something that is enriching your relationship with them?

To be transparent about my biases here, I am personally all the way on the intolerant end of the spectrum when it comes to ending relationships with family members who are cruel, mean people, even when some would excuse the cruelty or meanness as being loosely tied to “politics” or an “opinion” and therefore unassailable.

Lizzie O’Leary: I think that fig leaf family relationships (the kind where you talk about the weather or the drive) are only worth keeping if no one is being actively cruel. I mean, I had older relatives when I was growing up who were genteel racists, and even they weren’t saying that stuff in front of me, and I am talking about a white man born in south Texas in 1902. Your brother could hold it together if he wanted to. He very clearly wants to rub your face, and your reasonable boundary, in it. So, I think you gotta just visit your parents without him. And make special visits to your aging relatives without including him. He will probably act out about it, and your mother might make some fuss about “causing family trouble,” but you’re going to have to know that you are morally right. It will not be easy, and that is another kind of grief; knowing that your family is choosing comfort over morals.

Jenée: Whew, that last sentence. I find it so painful to learn that a person who is generally good is accepting of or excuses bigotry. It’s even worse learning that someone is an aggressive bigot. Because the aggressive bigot is typically someone who had a bad personality and was unlikable in many other ways. When someone is just like “I’m fine with it,” it’s so disappointing. Because I thought we were on the same team!

Anyway, I agree with Lizzie. Do the visits separately. This isn’t about punishing your brother. You’ll actually feel calm, enjoy yourself, and have quality time with your relatives without being in fight or flight mode over all the hate that’s being spewed.

Lizzie: I want to add something I have been thinking a lot about since, oh, 2016. A lot of white people (I realize I am making an assumption about the letter-writer here) are socialized to avoid conflict. To not make a fuss. To be accepting of relatives that might have “differing” views. And this becomes incredibly problematic when the differing view is not “well, I think that lower marginal tax rates might spur investment,” but something that designates another person as less than human. We don’t get a lot of training, I think, in saying “Hey, I don’t like that word, please don’t use it.” Or “do not talk like that in front of my child.” And that fear of conflict can lead us to be true cowards: People who would rather avoid an argument rather stand up for the right thing. It’s heartbreaking realizing that people you love can’t find that courage. But I also think that, if you want to, you can slowly bring them along by exposing them to your views, and your language. Don’t let your brother’s bullying bigotry win.

Jenée: Well said. And I’m fundamentally as avoidant as the next person, so I get it. Like I would probably create an entire false narrative about plumbing issues and sickness and work and seasonal depression rather than saying “Actually, no, I’m not up for having houseguests on the weekend you asked about,” if someone asked to stay with me. I’m not proud of it but it’s true, so I understand wanting to avoid conflict and hard conversations. But in this case, letter-writer, the discomfort already exists (for you) and the hard (insane) conversation is already being had, just in a one-sided way. So you really don’t have a ton of peace to protect.

As a side note, I guarantee that when your parents are in need of help in their old age, it’s going to be you, not your brother, who steps in to support them. Because the same basic personality traits that make him cruel to people who aren’t like him will cause an empathy deficiency for his own relatives. And when you’re running the show, you’ll have every right to make the rules. In the meantime, enjoy not having miserable holidays.