Help! My Friend Has a Very Strange Way of Disciplining Her “Stupid” Husband. I’m Not Sure I Can Let This Go On.
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My sister and I recently met for lunch. When she opened her purse to pay her share of the bill, I noticed she had her TV remote control in there. In response to my asking about it, she said it was her way of getting back at her husband when he does something stupid (in this case he neglected to take out the trash). She said he goes crazy looking for it, then she sneaks it back later. My BIL can be a dumbass sometimes, but this sort of gaslighting seems rather mean. Should I clue him in, or is it none of my business?
This is actually kind of funny, at least in the context of previous letters I’ve received about wives who are caught cheating or suspected of poisoning their husbands. I can’t endorse the remote theft (also, it’s not the smartest plan on your sister’s part because her husband is not receiving feedback about his actual stupid behaviors!), but I also don’t feel at all conflicted about affirming that you should mind your business.
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My aunt “Lisa” is a lovely person and was a prolific jam maker for 50 years. Our entire extended family and all of our friends love Auntie Lisa’s jam, and we all receive a few jars for every special occasion. Her jam has always been her pride and joy, and everyone who tastes it raves about how amazing it is.
The thing is, I don’t like jam at all. For my entire adult life, I’ve enthusiastically accepted the jam and then stashed it away in my pantry and lied to her face about how much I love it. I couldn’t risk regifting it and exposing my horrible secret, but throwing it out felt wrong too. As a result, I have several dozen jars of Auntie Lisa’s jam hidden away.
Due to health issues and age, Lisa is no longer able to make jam. Family members helped with last year’s batch, but it just wasn’t the same without her special touch. She decided to officially retire from jam-making, and the entire family is in mourning. Everyone wishes they could taste the jam one last time!
Should I expose my shameful secret stash to the family so that the jam can be enjoyed? I think Lisa would be really hurt to know I’ve lied to her for all these years, but it seems even worse to waste the last of her jam that everyone loves so much. How do I even begin to broach the subject?
Dear In a Jam,
What you view as a “shameful secret” is really a lovely gift for your family! But before you do anything, it’s important to check if the jam hidden in your cupboard is still safe. The general guidance is that properly canned, high-sugar jams (as opposed to, say, fruit butters) can be safely kept for up to two years in a cool, dark place, though they may start to suffer in quality after one. Anything older than that should get tossed, as well as any jars you discover with a broken seal or popped lid. And of course, keep an eye out for any visible mold growth or bad smells. Assuming everything is ship-shape, here’s your script: “Great news, everyone! I saved some of the jams for a special occasion and I would love to share them.”
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I wear my long, curly, gray hair in a variety of styles. I often get stopped by people complimenting my it. However, lately more and more strangers have been pulling, feeling, and touching my hair. My eye doctor, while examining my eyes, reached up into my hair and parted it asking me if this was my natural color. At the car dealership as I was leaving, the sales manager took a bunch of my hair in his hands and started rubbing it; at the theater a woman pulled my hair. I am so sick of it. Most of the time I am left speechless. I want to grab their hair, or do something similar to what they have done to me so they can see what if feels like. What should I say back to these people?
—Do NOT Touch My Hair
It’s really hard to make a decision about what to say when you’re caught off guard, in shock, offended and also probably have the old script about being nice and not causing a scene running through your head. It will help to come up with a go-to response that you practice so that it becomes second nature. Something between freezing up and returning the hair grab, while “How does it feel??”
How about “Excuse me! You can look at my hair but please don’t touch.”
I am 40 years old and until recently a single father. A little over a year and a half ago, I met a woman who totally changed my perspective on life. I’d never believed in soul mates, but she made me a believer. We could complete each other’s sentences and had the kind of love that I’d never felt for anyone. After six months we bought a house together, merged families, and I proposed. Three months ago, my fiancée had a major stroke.