Help! I Asked My Sister Some Innocent Questions About Her Messy Life. I’m Stunned by What Happened Next.

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A few days after Christmas, my oldest sister (“Clair”) sent a text message to me and my siblings (four of us total) saying “due to what happened on Christmas Day, I am taking a break from my family”—nothing more, no explanation, no response to us texting back “what happened?”. Christmas was at my house, and I could not think of anything bad that happened, and my other siblings were at a loss also. In talking to my mom a few days later, she mentioned that Clair was upset that we didn’t get her grandkids (ages 5 and 7), my grandnephews, anything for Christmas and that she and her family were topics of discussion and unwarranted questions were being asked about them and she didn’t like it. I can’t for the life of me imagine why.

Her son and his wife and kids moved back to the area three months ago and other than some baby gifts when they were newborns, no gifts have ever been given to them, so the expectation caught us completely off guard. As for being the topic of discussion and questions? How could we help ourselves when Clair was charged with vandalism a week before Christmas when she found out the married man she was seeing had no intention of leaving his wife for her, and she keyed and spray painted his car. Plus, why did her son, with supposedly a good job and a house, just up and move back with no explanation and remain unwilling to give one? And why is her unemployed daughter not applying where her uncle works, as they are hiring for entry level positions? Could it be because she knows she will fail the drug test?

This brings me to last weekend, when our cousin “Emily” and her husband were travelling near our area. They stayed the night at my house, so I invited my mom and other siblings, except for Clair (remember, no contact), over for supper. Yesterday, Clair found out about Emily’s visit and sent me a message demanding to know why she wasn’t made aware of Emily visiting and not being invited for supper. I mentioned her “break from the family” and she said “that’s not what I said,” so I sent her a screenshot of her message and said “I don’t know how to take it any other way except that you don’t want anything to do with the family.” Today she sent another message to the family saying she wants to be included in family things, but she and her family are “off limits for questions and conversations.”

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this requirement is ridiculous? In the past, she has had no issues in making my and my sibling’s families the topic of discussion, good or bad.

Dear Not Buying It,

I’m going to tell you something that may surprise you: You are actually not required to ask questions about the most humiliating and painful things happening in a loved one’s life. There’s no rule that says their tragedies and struggles must be fodder for small talk. The loving thing to do would have been to wait for Clair to come to you to discuss her arrest, her son’s move, and her daughter’s employment status and/or drug use—and then to express empathy and support. Alternatively, if you really feel so judgmental of her and her family and their choices that that would be impossible, you shouldn’t have invited them for the holiday. Your sister is obviously hurt and I believe that’s what’s behind her mixed messages about needing space but also wanting to be included without being a topic of gossip. She really wants her family’s support and love, and she wants to feel safe and accepted with you. She communicated it ungracefully, but the underlying need is totally understandable. So now the question becomes: Do you want to meet the need?

It feels to me like you have a lot of animosity toward Clair and may not be in the mood to be generous. That’s fair, especially if the keying and spray painting the married man’s car incident is indicative of a pattern of destructive or out-of-control behavior. But just own it! “I can’t honor your request not to talk about you and your family, I’m reeling from you from your cutting us off after Christmas, and I am not going to be inviting you to anything for the foreseeable future because I need a break” is something you can say. But it’s not about what’s reasonable or unreasonable, fair or unfair. The decision should be based on whether you want to repair your relationship with your sister or to continue judging her from afar.

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My best friend “Abby” broke up with her ex, “Nick,” over a year ago. There was no infidelity or anything nefarious, just ultimately a clash of personalities. About six months ago, I ran into Nick when I was in a major metro. We spent some time together and really hit it off and have been seeing each other ever since. I finally told Abby last week and she went through the roof and accused me of “betraying” her. Now she is refusing to speak to me. Honestly, I don’t think I did anything wrong. When I first ran into Nick, their relationship had been over for nearly half a year; it’s not like I stole him from her or jumped on him the moment they split. Does Abby have a right to be angry with me?

—I Thought She Moved On

Umm, when exactly did your spaceship land on planet Earth? This letter is written with the utter cluelessness of someone who doesn’t have a lot of experience being human. No, you cannot just decide to date your best friend’s ex of only one year! Maybe if we were talking about a high school acquaintance. Maybe if it had been 15 years. Maybe if there had been an explicit conversation about “I’m so over Nick and I really hope he finds love.” Or maybe if you had used the instant communication device in your pocket at some point between running into him and hitting it off with him. But it’s highly suspect that you kept this a secret from your so-called best friend for five and a half months. You knew you were wrong, and the best you can do now is to admit it and let her handle things her way.

My relationship with my best friend of 12 years is crumbling. Six months ago, we agreed to move in together. We both were starting a fresh chapter of our lives, and we both seemingly agreed on wanting to live together to support each other as we grew and built our lives going forward. Instead, I got an anxiety ridden middle-aged man who is afraid to do anything, has shown zero desire to meet new people or try new things, has fully leaned on me as his social support, and on top of everything is an awful roommate. His room is never clean, and he never cleans around the apartment. When I do a full clean, he gets guilty because he realizes he never does anything, yet it’s never guilty enough to step up.

I honestly feel really resentful because I feel like I’m dealing with a different person, and that to an extent I was lied to about what this situation would be. He told me he wanted to come out here and meet new people, but nearly seven months in and he’s never gone to do anything social with anyone. I’ve even gotten tired of hanging out with him because his idea of a good time is watching movies in the living room while he plays video games on his laptop. I feel like I’ve been growing as a person and adult over the last six months, while he’s been doing everything he can to stay still.

Talking to him about this stuff doesn’t work because he just gets anxious and doesn’t want to talk about it, so that leaves it all unresolved. I’m struggling to figure out how our friendship will still work, and wondering if maybe it might not be the worst thing in the world to step away. He clearly needs help, but attempts to get him to get a therapist just aren’t being done because he expects someone to walk him through everything or do things for him.

Wait a minute, he’s a low energy couch potato with anxiety, not a sociopath. He hasn’t really done anything to you. I understand the disappointment—this wasn’t how you thought your life with him would be—but his blah mood is not an act of aggression. Make a concrete cleaning schedule, enjoy all the new people and new things that are enriching your life so much, and let him be. Oh, and probably don’t plan to renew the lease.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

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