Help! My Sister Almost Ruined My Wedding Over Her Diabetic Cat.

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I just got married, and while the day was beautiful, my family left me feeling heartbroken. I have a strained relationship with my younger sister. She left her diabetic cat with our parents, and when they had to suddenly leave town, I stepped in to care for it for two weeks.

At our wedding after-party, my husband gently suggested she thank me. Instead, she stormed off, blocked me on social media, and refused to see me for the rest of the trip. When I turned to my parents for support, they sided with her, saying she spent her own time and money to attend the wedding and telling me to “drop the drama” and “be an adult.” I’m left feeling dismissed and deeply hurt, wondering how to move forward from this.

—Bride Without a Break

The person I feel the worst for in this story is the poor diabetic cat who has no clue it’s at the center of such drama. Your sister sounds like a real pill, your parents shouldn’t be taking sides, and your husband chose the absolute wrong time to address it. Either he didn’t do so as “gently” as you think, or—and my money’s on this one—there was something much bigger upsetting your sister. Did she take a lot of time and/or spend a lot of money to go to the wedding, even though you have a strained relationship? Perhaps that was an olive branch of sorts, and she was expecting a little gratitude instead of a scolding. Send her a thank you card for coming and try to leave the situation alone for now, so you can both cool off. Good news—you have a new husband and presumably a whole lot of wedding photos to enjoy in the meantime.

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I’m in my late twenties and have always lived in big cities. This past summer, I fulfilled a lifelong dream and spent the summer on a farm in the mountains, where I met a farmer who has become my partner. It’s the early days of our relationship, and the city versus country debate would probably be enough for an entire advice column (accepting tips!), but the fact is that this exciting, romantic, and big moment in my life is completely overshadowed by my mother.

My mother is so miserable. There are traumas in her life that aren’t mine, and I do my best not to absorb them. She and I are very close; it makes me crazy to see her hurting! She is an only child whose parents have passed, and she and my dad have a really tough relationship; I am her only daughter (I have one brother about four years younger than me, and she has no real expectations of him to live so close). Our relationship has been challenging these past few years because of political differences and, because, well, I’ve made decisions she doesn’t approve of. This move to the country seems to be the final straw, and it’s put her into breakdown mode to the point where I’m worried about her mental health. We can’t speak on the phone without it devolving, she speaks morbidly about the future, and I can’t seem to find the right way to approach the situation. Nothing works.

The internet loves to say that when a parent is trauma-dumping on you, cut them off. I hate that. The next suggestion is to make super clear boundaries. I do try, but the thing is I love my mom, and my heart breaks for her. I see how my choices are hurting her, but I know rationally that this isn’t a reason to sabotage things with this potential life partner (and very good current partner, for what it’s worth!). She also can’t seem to understand that life is full of transitions, and who knows where any of us will move! Meanwhile, it’s not fair that this new relationship has a patina of guilt hanging over it.

How do I handle this with integrity? How can I save our relationship if, in this moment, she can only see this whole thing as me choosing to abandon her and erase her from my life?

—A Too-Good Daughter Who Loves Her Mom

I see so much fear and worry for your mother in your letter. Her situation sounds challenging, but the person who I’m really heartbroken for is you. You’ve met an exciting new person and you have an exciting new opportunity to start fresh, and you’re considering staying—entirely to appease someone else. You do need super clear boundaries, but I think the person you need to set them with is yourself. Please don’t stay put if the main reason you’re doing so is to appease your mom. You said it yourself—she’s miserable. That’s awful, but it sounds like she won’t be pleased regardless of whether you stay or go. So you should go! I know that’s easier said than done, but a move will be a solid, brave first step towards living your own life.

A good therapist can help you cleave your decisions and your emotions away from your mother’s. The impulse to move mountains so that your mother is in less pain sounds like something you’ve probably done your entire life. That type of pattern takes time and help to unravel. A therapist will work with you on strategies—not to make your mom feel better about your move, but to help you tolerate her reaction to it. It’s not going to be easy to make this shift, but you’re ready.

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Every time I go home for the holidays, it’s an exercise in realizing how little curiosity anyone in my or my partner’s families actually has about our lives. I love to catch up and pepper them with questions, and then we get absolutely nothing in return, which means many of our conversations remain at a superficial level—talk about the latest goings-on, gossip, etc. But I wish they’d show curiosity about what we’re up to! I know they love us, and I love them all dearly, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little. How can I make peace with this? Or try to change this frustrating dynamic?

—No One Knows How to Ask Questions

“No one knows how to ask questions” is one of my favorite soapboxes, and this question could have been ripped from my drive home from a family holiday gathering. Especially if you’re an empathetic listener, which it sounds like you are, it can feel really hurtful to not receive the same care in return. But though it feels like a lack of interest to question-askers like us, I try to remind myself that it might actually be social anxiety or awkwardness. Maybe you’re giving a lonely person a rare chance to speak about themselves. Or maybe it’s just an entrenched dynamic that’s hard to disrupt.

There are a few options you can try. Some people might struggle to change the topic if you’re adeptly peppering them with questions about their own life. So instead of waiting for them to ask about you, try sharing whatever update or tidbit about your own life you wish they had asked about. A good conversationalist will pick up that nugget and run with it. Another option is to simply tell them directly that you want to share: “I’ve been wanting to update everyone on our recent New Thing!” And then go forth and update everyone.

But if I’m honest, the tactic that’s helped me the most is to turn this whole dynamic into a game. Once, about 15 minutes into a first date where I hadn’t been asked any questions, I told myself I wouldn’t volunteer any information about myself and I’d see how long it took my date to ask me something. The man never did! Instead of getting slowly angrier, I really had an excellent time laughing internally. This Christmas, I bet my mom 10 bucks over what one particular relative would or wouldn’t say. I lost the money, but it made talking to that person much more enjoyable. It sounds like you and your partner are in this together, so I’d suggest making your own side bets, mental Bingo cards, or little challenges. The first person to get someone in the family to ask you a question wins.

The most heartening part of your question is the fact that you know these family members love you. When you find yourself getting frustrated, try to pause and remind yourself of the ways they do show up for you. If not in the form of questions, maybe it’s with a home-cooked meal or a tidbit of really juicy gossip.

My wife and I have been married nine years and trying for a baby for six. We have been unsuccessful despite six rounds of IVF, twice with a surrogate. It has sapped our savings, our sex life, and our emotional well-being. Our marriage is barely holding on—my wife suffers, and I don’t know how much support is left in me to give. I love my wife. I want a child with her, but I have come to a point where I admit that might not be possible. My wife refuses to give up.