Help! My Father Has a Secret Second Family. I’m Desperate to Learn About My Origins—But I Can’t.

Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.

I am on the other side of DNA Disaster’s situation. My father has five other children and a wife who, I’m fairly certain, are not aware of my existence. Although in an ideal world I would love to be in their lives and have the huge family I always missed as an only child, I have accepted that this might not be realistic. I don’t want to break up their family at all, but I would like to know where I come from. Specifically, I’d like to know the names of my great-grandparents. There’s just one issue.

It seems like everyone on certain genealogy sites that might have that information has made it private, which is very frustrating for me.

I think the kindest thing DNA Disaster could do would be to supply the information that the long-lost siblings are likely seeking, or at least point them in the right direction. For example, a certain program will hide people’s names if they’re still living. Marking them as deceased can at least give people a jumping-off point to do their own research. Or, the letter writer could use a different email address to make an account and, in their “About Me” section, add something like, “Families are complicated! If you need more information about where you come from, please reach me at this address.”

I do realize that this is probably more work than most people are willing to do, but as someone on the other side who would love to know for sure how I got here, I wish more people would.

As a side note, it’s actually really easy to find people because of social media. If your half-siblings are interested in finding their father, there’s always the chance they might reach out to someone in your family in an effort to contact him or to find out more information. It might be worth it to make contact first, especially if you’d rather they not go through other family members.

I really appreciate hearing the perspective of someone who’s on the other side of this kind of story. And the “families are complicated” note is a really good idea.

Re Can’t See: I’m also from the Pacific Northwest. I also used to do this with the wipers, and it also made my wife nuts. I eventually changed my ways because it made her so anxious, but honestly, it’s harder for me to drive. For me, it’s like the individual raindrops just … aren’t there. I see through and past them to the road ahead of me, and when the wipers swish across my field of vision, my eyes suddenly refocus on them instead of the traffic. When it’s pouring, I’m obviously using the wipers by my own choice, but when it’s only a modest amount of rain, I really wish I could drive the way that’s most comfortable and safe-feeling to me.

–Windows Get Wiped When Needed

“It’s like the individual raindrops just … aren’t there” made me laugh out loud, so thank you for that.

Re Can’t See: While I think what the LW describes is nuts, I might have a possible explanation. In my old car, the wipers would almost constantly drag and make an extremely grating sound. I replaced them many times, and the sound always kept coming back. The only time it wouldn’t be a problem was during torrential rain. Driving in light or moderate rain was torture for me. I still used my windshield wipers because I’m not a lunatic and I needed to see the road, but I’m wondering if sound sensitivity is part of the issue for the husband. Because otherwise, I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t just run the windshield wipers to appease his wife.

—Can’t Stand the Sound

Oh, really good point! That sound is absolutely from hell. It’s never made me want to drive without seeing the road, but it’s pretty bad!

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Let me say, I have been all three parties in Boiling Over’s letter—girl, I feel ya!

First things first: Prudie is right that there are myriad reasons J might turn down your food—shout-out to disordered eating and cultural norms. If it turns out that J never takes you up on your offers, I want you to really appreciate two things: 1) the relationship you and G have surrounding food, which is beautiful and worth cherishing, and 2) the relationship you and J have with regard to mutual respect, which is not always present even among bestie roommates and is also worth cherishing. Seriously, some people in J’s shoes would say yes, pick at the goulash with a sour face, then throw it in the cat’s bowl when you’re not looking!

The only other thing I’d suggest you look out for is those rare meals where J does say yes. For my non-food-accepting roommate, those meals are pulled pork, meatballs, and egg sandwiches. When we make those things, we can count on a happy Mark! And yeah, it makes my heart glow when he joins in—so if J does occasionally take part, cherish those moments as well!

—Stick a Fork in Me

You know how if you say you really like dried mango once at age 18, your parents will stock it for you every time you visit until you’re 45? I’m tickled imagining the letter writer making egg sandwiches (or whatever J actually eats) repeatedly for similar reasons. But seriously, I co-sign everything you said and especially appreciate the comment about the mutually respectful relationship. Things could be a lot worse!

Re Grossed Out Daughter-in-Law: This resonated with me in the worst possible way, because I have a mother who tells my wife about her sex life with my father—or lack thereof. I was parentified as a child, and my mother used me as a soundboard for her sex and romantic life from a very young age—think pre-puberty—and seemed hurt when I began to realise this was inappropriate. It really never occurred to her that talking about this with her kid was weird, and by extension, that talking about it with her kid as an adult, and with her daughter-in-law, was also inappropriate.

This might be what’s going on with Aly and Grossed Out’s husband. If this is the case, and she’s easily hurt by this perceived rejection—especially since it’s a cornerstone of the parent-child relationship—even your polite script might be taken completely the wrong way and turned into drama about how you’re rejecting her. This may then turn into a bigger issue about boundaries and relationships with the in-laws and could lead to a low- or no-contact situation.

My and my wife’s solution so far? Tune out completely, say something like “oh, damn” or “wow, that sucks” at an appropriate time, and change the subject. Granted, we’re non-confrontational people from a culture where you never dare oppose your elders, but it works like a charm for us, and she just gets the hint without having any outright “rejection” to latch on to. It may be worth a shot, depending how you predict she’ll react and whether it’ll be a make-or-break moment for your relationship with her.

Sometimes the non-confrontational approach is the realistic one. Direct, clear communication can just be too much for many of us! This is a great alternative.

Two of my dear friends from college got married to each other last weekend. I haven’t seen them in four years, but we communicate from time to time on Facebook. I can think of three possibilities why I wasn’t invited…