Help! My Sister Just Experienced an Unthinkable Tragedy. She Says She’s “Not Grieving.”

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I’m trying to figure out how to support my sister, but I don’t know how. When my older sister “Sonya” was a teen, she was assaulted by an adult. She got pregnant, and our parents refused to let her terminate the pregnancy or put the baby up for adoption. Sonya was an unwilling mom to “Simon” until she turned 18.

At that point, she left him with our parents for extended periods of time while she tried to get an education and figure herself out. She wasn’t OK for a long time. It was the worst situation for everyone. Our parents acted like Simon was a burden. Sonya was miserable and resented Simon and our parents. Simon was just a kid, and he was unhappy too. I was basically a sibling to Simon, but I didn’t help either. I tried to stay out of the whole dynamic and left home as soon as I could, rarely coming back.

Sonya eventually spent more time with Simon, but she was never his full-time parent. Simon died abruptly in an accident this winter—he was only 17. I went to the funeral, but Sonya didn’t go. She says since she wasn’t reliably in his life, she didn’t need to be there. She says she’s not sad, and that she didn’t really know him, and she doesn’t want to talk about it. I cannot imagine how complicated things must be for her, if even the grief I feel is confusing. I’m a mom myself, and the idea of losing either of my kids would crush me, but we also have a more straightforward relationship. What can I do for Sonya if she says she’s fine and doesn’t want anything because she’s “not grieving”?

This story is tragic from start to finish, and my heart breaks for your whole family—except maybe your parents, who deprived Sonya of her right to make a choice that should’ve been hers alone to make. I feel safe guessing that people who were this controlling, and who then went on to have the nerve to be resentful about their caregiving responsibilities, caused pain in a lot of other ways, too. I imagine you and Sonya both experienced things they did that left you feeling hurt and misunderstood, and may have contributed—on top of her assault—to her “not doing well” and unusually unemotional response to an objectively devastating tragedy.

Sonya is obviously not fine, despite what she says, and you know that. But you can’t force her to grieve or tell her the way you would expect her to act about losing her son. Nor can you undo the assault, or force her into therapy. But as her sibling, you’re the only person in the world who had the same upbringing as she did, and this might be where you can connect with her and help her heal a little bit.

If my assumption about the two of you having a tough childhood is correct, your (admittedly narrow) lane here could involve opening up to her about how you experienced your childhood and validating any struggles (trauma?) that she endured, reminding her that none of it was her fault. This may be disarming for her and may make her feel understood instead of judged for being an absentee mom. This could be her first step toward admitting that she’s still suffering now.

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My partner and I have been together for over five years, and we love each other very much. As with any relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs, including some instances where we’ve fought about situations where we saw things totally differently.

Over the last few years, I thought we were processing and moving on together, but recently, we’ve been arguing more and more and talking about how neither of us is happy. It’s become obvious to me that we both haven’t really processed the pain and hurt together. I’m in therapy individually, but he had some poor experiences when he was young and is not open to doing therapy, individually or in couples therapy. Outside of that, he is a really insightful guy, but where we’ve landed while we’re in this limbo is that he doesn’t seem to be equipped to be able to process the hurt so we can move forward together. We both agree that we’re unhappy, so the options are to try to move forward together and heal or to break up. I don’t want to break up, but I know I can’t process for him. Do you have any advice for me about how to help him process? Even if we do break up, I don’t want all this pain to become baggage either, so I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do.

I tried searching for the source of the pain that needed to be processed when reading your letter, thinking I’d skimmed over a death or similar tragedy. But it seems like the thing you both need to heal from is your own relationship and its rough spots. I suspect you’re glossing over and minimizing some really bad “downs” when you talk about the issues you two have faced, and I know you really don’t want to break up. I also suspect that these were not just disagreements but rather instances where he hurt you. I’m admittedly taking kind of a dim view of him because of his refusal to do therapy, which I believe tends to go hand in hand with selfishness, stubbornness, and a lack of willingness to grow and change.

I know you really don’t want to break up, but even with your positive spin, you’re not giving me a lot to go on here when it comes to figuring out a way for you to improve your relationship. You could focus on healing your own pain, accepting him as he is, and deciding to move on from whatever happened in the past. You could look for things outside of your relationship to make you happy, and hope that taking some of the pressure off the two of you as a unit makes everything feel a bit lighter.

But I’m not sure that will work because what you really want is to fix him. That last line in your letter about wanting to help him process his pain even if you two break up, so it doesn’t become baggage for him, is very telling. I don’t throw this word around a lot because I think it’s overused, but it sounds like your relationship with him is really codependent. You’re more focused on fixing him and helping him heal than you are on being in a relationship that feels good to you. It would be worth reflecting a lot on why you’d rather fight to do his emotional work for him (which will probably be impossible) than move toward another relationship that you can enjoy, not simply endure.

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My wife has an infuriating habit of playing with things she picks up and then absent-mindedly sticking them in her pocket or purse. This has led to more than a few embarrassing situations where we’ve come home to find she has absconded with tiny knick-knacks from people’s homes and napkins and salt/pepper shakers from restaurants. Worst of all is that I’m the one who ends up returning the pilfered items because my wife is too embarrassed to do it herself. Short of keeping an eye on her at all times when we go somewhere, what can I do other than leave her at home?

—Look But Don’t Touch

Dear Look But Don’t Touch,

Hold her purse for her or check it on the way out the door like you’re a manager at a store in the mall and she’s an employee. Or, next time she begs you to return her used napkin, just say no.

I suffer from low blood sugar, so I keep a variety of snacks on me. My co-worker, “Jane,” is a lovely person. Her daughter, “Nora,” is not. Jane can’t drive, so Nora picks her up after picking up her kids from school. I gave one of the kids a snack once; now Nora expects me to feed them every time they are here…