Everyone Says There’s a “Right” Way for Women to Get Engaged. I Found Out What Happens When You Ignore It.

Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.

Re Sick of Waiting: I really feel like the cultural norm around proposals is fundamentally silly and outdated.

I wish more people would consider that women can propose too! It doesn’t have to come from the male partner in heterosexual relationships. I asked my now-husband to marry me, and it was the best choice I’ve ever made. I think it’s really interesting that this wasn’t even mentioned in your advice—which goes to show how embedded this heteronormative idea about who gets to propose really is. Is it scary? Yes. Is there a chance of being rejected? Yes! But it’s worth it if you truly want to marry this person. In the end, is it more important that the engagement happens the “right” way, or that you get to spend the rest of your life with the person you love?

Re Sick of Waiting: I don’t understand all these complaints about men not proposing. If you want to get married, why don’t you propose? I realize there is the weight of tradition (and possibly a silly desire for an engagement ring), but it is still something women have done—occasionally, at least. Just ask him to marry you and see what he says! I’m guessing he’ll say no, in which case I think you should break up. You could do it amicably and possibly get together again later, after spending some time dating other people.

You know that riddle that goes, “A father and son are in a car accident. The father dies, but the son is rushed to the hospital. The surgeon sees the boy and says, ‘I can’t operate on this boy. He’s my son!’ How can this be?” The one where, if—because of your deeply entrenched sexism—it doesn’t occur to you that the surgeon could be the son’s mother, you end up feeling kind of mortified? Well, that’s me reading your responses. You’re both absolutely right.

At first I thought, “No, the letter writer proposing wouldn’t fix this because the issue isn’t about the gesture—it’s about the boyfriend’s desire and readiness to get married.” But no: I re-read the letter and he actually did say he wanted to get married on her timeline. She should ask, and that will give her all the information she needs. And I should work on undoing my unconscious bias!

To Sick of Waiting, you write, “I actually believe that if Wilson is pushing for the two of you to buy a home together, that signals a significant commitment.” Maybe, but maybe not. It could be he simply wants to play house and have someone pay half his mortgage, especially given that he’s still balking about proposing after eight years.

So what happens if the letter writer buys the house, he keeps dragging his feet, and they either finally get fed up and leave—or he meets someone else, and they discover they were just a placeholder all along? At the very least, they should make sure their name is on the deed along with his and have legal paperwork drawn up specifying that, in the event of a breakup, they get half the equity (or a share proportional to whatever they’ve been putting in).

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Re Ghost: I will never forget the pain of how many friendships I lost to my own abusers’ lies. But really—your advice is spot on. None of them saw through the manipulation. And in hindsight, how could they have? It took me many years myself, and I lived with him.

I was also physically abused, and because of that, I did try to warn girlfriends of mine, to protect them. My roommate at the time invited him into our home while I was out, thinking that was okay “because I was gone.” I was deemed unstable, crazy, and a liar for trying to keep distance from him at social events, or for decisions I made to stay separated from him, or to keep people from sharing things about me with him—or telling me things about him. It never worked. So I ghosted them all.

About five years later, someone reached out to tell me they should have listened to all my warnings. My heart broke for her, but I couldn’t even hold the space to have a conversation. I read the message and decided the past was best left in the past.

You will recover from this, LW. Those friendships most likely will not. Protect your peace and seek out new friendships. It’s tough, but it’s the only way to keep moving forward.

I’m so sorry about what you went through. I’m sure it felt great to delete that message and even better to have new, more supportive friends. I want the same for the LW.

Frustrated Woman should check her own cameras—or her neighbors’—to see whether her ex came to her place while she was at the park. If anyone was there, she should also check her home for listening devices, cameras, or anything similar. Her ex made sure she’d be out of the house for a while. I’d like to know what he was doing during that time, and so should she.

Ooh, I wouldn’t have thought of this. But I’ll never turn down adding a true-crime-adjacent twist to a response.

My husband and I have become the new social hub for family events since our home is large, conveniently located, and we adore entertaining. My in-laws are wonderful. My sisters and their families are delightful. My problem is that my older step-sisters have turned into bitchy teenagers while being in their forties.