Help! I Wanted to Extend a Simple Thank You to a Neighbor. But They Took Advantage of My Generosity.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

My wife and I are retired, so we take weeklong trips throughout the year. We ask our neighbors (“Tom” and “Cindy”) to grab our mail and place it on a bench in our entryway, and make sure the house feels warm as we live in a colder climate. Usually, nothing more than a “thanks” is required when we get back, as we do the same for them. Tom is always the one getting our mail.

If there is snow in the forecast, I will call a snow removal service to clean our property while we are gone. Our last trip, no snow was forecasted, so I didn’t make arrangements. We had a “freak” snowfall of about an inch, and on our security cameras, I noticed Tom shoveling our driveway and sidewalk after the snow had passed.

A little more work than just a “thanks” would be enough, so knowing he works from home, I texted him one day and told him I would take him out for lunch, pick the day, and his choice of restaurant, for shoveling the snow while we were gone. He picked a restaurant with higher dinner prices but an affordable lunch menu. I was surprised that Cindy was with him when he arrived. I even asked why she wasn’t at work. She said once she heard I was taking Tom to the particular restaurant we were at, there was no way she would pass up an opportunity to eat for free there, and she took half the day off.

I am somewhat upset because Tom did the work, Cindy did nothing, and she ordered off the regular menu instead of the lunch menu, so her meal cost the same as what my lunch and Tom’s lunch dishes cost, plus she “needed” a cocktail with her lunch. I was secretly seething and actually thought about telling the waiter to split the bill with Cindy paying her own way, but I paid the whole bill anyway. There is a slim chance this might happen again, that Tom would do something above and beyond while we are gone, and I would like to pay HIM back. I phrased my text as “taking you [not both of you] out to lunch.” How should I phrase it next time? I am not interested in paying for Cindy’s lunch if she didn’t do anything.

—I Invited Him, Not Her

Dear I Invited Him,

The good news is that once someone has shown up and said, “My agenda here is to get a free meal from you,” all rules of etiquette have pretty much been thrown out the window. So you no longer need to concern yourself with being polite. Plus, Tom and Cindy have kind of robbed you of the ability to feel real gratitude for any future neighborly favors. A “thank you” meal to which you showed up seething about how you were taken advantage of last time and on high alert for being robbed again would not be pleasant for you, and your mood would be apparent. The energy would be completely off. So, don’t worry about how to phrase, “I would like to treat you and only you, not your freeloader wife,” politely. There will be no more gratitude lunches.

I was going to suggest that you just say, “Thank you!” the next time Tom clears your driveway, but knowing these two, he might invoice you if you don’t provide something of value. So drop off a bottle of wine, a pie, or whatever you think they might like. Maybe a gift card with enough for a meal for one at a reasonably priced restaurant. They can fight among themselves about who gets to use it.

Get advice from Prudie—submit a question!

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Thanks! Your question has been submitted.

I have been casually sleeping with a guy I met at my gym, and it has been great. We are both on the rebound, and we’ve kept things light and relaxed—just great sex, fun dates, etc. I have daydreamed about a more committed relationship with him (something I could envision but we have not discussed, and I don’t know how he would feel about it, so this is still very abstract), and I have to admit I am hung up on an increasingly clear fact.

He worked for years in finance and has built up substantial wealth, which I worry makes him more attractive to me. He burned out and is taking a year off from working to reassess his goals, a freedom that I can hardly fathom. He picks up checks, has a great apartment, etc. I do fine and, to be clear, have no designs on his money or ambition to spend it, but the lack of financial stress and the freedom he lives with day to day are attributes I really enjoy about spending time with him. Frankly, they are inseparable from his personality to me. Is this gold-digging? Where’s the line?

—Not Trying to Be a Trophy, I Swear

Dear Not Trying to Be a Trophy,

You’d be gold-digging if you did not like him, but decided to stick around because of his money. I would tell you to ask yourself if you would still be interested in him if he weren’t’t rich, but I’m not sure that’s fair. We don’t expect people to ask, “Would I still want to marry him if he were drowning in debt?” about their partners of average wealth.

So you can relax and enjoy yourself. Plus, it’s early. You’re not even committed yet. Your fling could very likely derail over something other than his bank account (not to be negative, but it’s true!). And if it doesn’t—if you end up in a committed relationship and get really serious—it will almost certainly mean many things other than financial comfort are working for the two of you.

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here.

I grew up in a very small town where most of my family still lives. “Janet” was my best friend growing up, and she got married to “Jacob” right after high school. It was a shit show. Both of them were too young and too immature to make the relationship work. They started fighting on the honeymoon and never stopped.

Jacob did cheat on Janet after one of their many breaks. Then they got a very public and messy divorce. There were drunken fights, clothing thrown on the lawn, and the cops got involved. I was there every step of the way for Janet, even though I was struggling with college.

So my reward is Janet making my wedding about her seven-year-old drama. I am engaged, and we are planning to have the wedding in my hometown. My half-sister, whom I am not close to, has been dating Jacob, and she is pregnant. I figured it might be a little awkward for Janet, but last time I talked to her, she was gushing about her new boyfriend, so I didn’t see a problem.

When I told Janet, she flipped her lid. She started ranting and raving and making demands about how my half-sister and Jacob needed to be uninvited, or she wasn’t going to come. I told her I couldn’t do that and that she needed to calm down. It has been seven years, and my half-sister wasn’t in my bridal party, but I couldn’t just uninvite her. Janet then called my half-sister names and suggested that my half-sister had been sleeping with Jacob while she was still married to him. My half-sister was only 14 at the time. I told Janet to call me when she got over herself. Janet has not responded since, and I am very angry and very hurt. I can’t believe Janet would throw away our friendship like this and not attend my wedding. If my own mother could handle her husband having an affair and another baby with grace, why can’t Janet deal with being in the same room as her ex? We are both nearly 30. Help!

—Abandoned By My Bestie

Dear Abandoned By My Bestie,

I’m going to offer an edit to your letter. You say Janet is making your wedding about her seven-year-old drama, but I would say Janet is making your wedding about the emotionally immature, chaos-loving, dramatic person she has been since you knew her in high school. This—making choices that don’t make a ton of sense, letting her feelings override logic, and never choosing peace over naming a scene—is seemingly just part of her personality.

She can’t do what your mother did because she’s not your mother. She’s a different person with her own childhood trauma, mental health situation, astrological sign, or whatever it may be that drives her behavior. And she’s acting this way despite the fact that she’s nearly 30 because people don’t just outgrow the way they move through the world. I know it’s really disappointing, and you do deserve a friend who will put her (ancient) relationship issues aside to be there for you. I don’t think Janet can be that friend. I also suspect you’ve known this as long as you’ve known her.

I learned to quilt from my aunt, and I treasure every moment we had together doing it. My adult stepdaughter has always been very distant despite all of my efforts, so when she announced her pregnancy, I thought a baby quilt would be the perfect gift and I even contacted her mother-in-law to see if she had any old clothes from her son. Sadly, there had been a fire at her childhood home and it burned to the ground. My husband and his then-wife had to replace everything. I did include what I thought was her favorite animal since she has dozens of them as decor. I gave it to her at the baby shower and explained the meaning behind the work. Everyone there loved it and told me how thoughtful it was. Well, a few weeks later, my stepdaughter sent me an email lambasting me for quilting.