My Daughter’s School Is Ruining My Life. I’m Not Sure How Much More I Can Take.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m at the end of my rope and I need help. My 4-year-old daughter is in a pre-K class with a schedule that has turned my life totally upside down. She has a two-hour nap time every day. She stopped taking naps at home years ago, but since starting school, she now sleeps during these school naps. The problem is that she is now awake until 11 p.m. every single night. We live in a studio apartment together, our bed is in alcove, but there’s no door, so I can’t just put her in a room alone. We do bedtime at the normal time, and then I’m just sitting there trying to get her to sleep for hours. I’m going out of my mind, reading stories and coaxing her to stay in bed for hours each night before she passes out. I’m a single parent and I need some hours alone to decompress before bed! Please help me.
This sounds so rough. If you haven’t already, I think it might be worth talking to the teacher to ask how nap time works and if it’s “optional”—that is, are there kids that aren’t napping during nap time and are allowed to play? If there is a group that’s doing activities instead of napping, you can inquire about keeping Rachel up during nap time, and see if that helps. But it could be that everyone has to be on their cot whether they sleep or not, in which case, sorry, she’s sleeping.
And so the other option is: Acceptance. One of the reasons it’s so stressful right now is that you’re spending a lot of time willing it to be different. I think it will be a lot easier once you accept that this schedule is the status quo for now. Your kid is going through a phase where she is awake until 11 p.m. It’s really hard, but it’s not forever.
So: How to live with this new normal? It sounds like you’re still shooting for a “normal” bedtime, and then staying in bed or near bed with her for hours each night. I think you should experiment with not doing this. Your daughter’s body is not falling asleep until 11, but you need some hours to yourself before 11. Instead of keeping watch by your daughter’s bed until she falls asleep, you should get her in bed, read a story, and then say goodnight, and then leave the “room” to make dinner or read or whatever. The vibe can be different after bedtime, maybe fewer lights, but I think instead of viewing bedtime as “she needs to stay in bed,” you should view it more as, “I’m no longer actively engaging in her play.” So: Let her get out bed and play with toys or look at books. This will probably be very exciting the first few times, but it’ll become normal to her. You should make it clear that you’re checked out and can’t play with her: lower voice, mommy can’t play right now, it’s bedtime, etc.
It’s not going to be as relaxing for you as it is when she’s sleeping, obviously, but I think just accepting and feeling OK with her being up late is going to make you feel better. Her class next year will not have nap time. Her sleep schedule will even out. You will have time to yourself again. You’re doing a hard thing, and you’re doing a great job.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 3-year-old son “Jacob” went as Spider-Man for Halloween. It’s now the end of January, had he is still wearing the damn costume every single day, wherever he goes. My wife says to just let him. I think enough is enough. Isn’t it time he went back to wearing normal clothes?—Halloween Is Over
Glomming onto a favorite outfit or costume is a very common kid thing, a classic kid thing, even. And sure, your son has stuck to the bit for an impressively long time. But wearing the costume obviously makes him happy or is meeting some other need for him.
Your wife seems to get this and to have already embraced one of the absolutely essential tenets of parenting: You have to pick your battles. It’s definitely time for you to learn that, too. Is your son safe and happy and healthy? Then he’s OK, and so is his outfit choice.
I’d take some time to think about why it bothers you so much that your son is so into dressing up as Spiderman. Maybe you think it draws attention to him in a bad way. Maybe it’s a very visible data point that your kid isn’t like other kids, and that scares you. It’s OK to be scared. But the sooner you embrace the idea that your son is his own person with his own wants, needs, and desires, the happier you and your son will be.
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My older son had a fourth-grade teacher whom we all really disliked. I really, really do not want her teaching my younger son. I don’t want to appear like a difficult parent, especially when this teacher may not even have a classroom next year. Should I speak up at the end of this year?