My Ex and I Made a Pact to Protect the Kids. But Now He’s Conniving Against Me in Sneaky Ways.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I separated from my husband about 18 months ago, and we have a 13 year-old and a 15-year-old. In the early stages, we agreed to continue to spend time together as a family to make things easier for the kids, which has included twice-weekly dinners, and holidays spent together. It’s worked in one critical way: the kids are doing OK and, although they’re not happy about the situation overall, they have adjusted well to the changes in our lifestyle. The problem is, beneath this cordial surface, my ex is being awful about the divorce in ways I never imagined when this began.
We’re not in litigation, so he’s able to delay discussions for weeks or months at a time. He has booked vacations over my custodial time. He often suggests a plan during my parenting time in front of the kids, putting me in an impossible situation when they get excited. Worst of all, he’s threatening to sue my parents to compel them to pay for all college costs. In the meantime, I am paying for everyone’s healthcare expenses, including his, and covering all of our kids’ activity costs.
I feel deeply stuck, because my kids’ mental and emotional health is the most important thing in the world to me, and they love their father. But I can’t stand spending so much time in the company of someone who has been so cruel and manipulative to me and my family. How do I unset this precedent?
Dear Not Uncoupled Enough,
What a question! This is a tremendous mix between parenting advice, financial advice and marriage advice.
Financial advice first: Don’t listen to him on this college tuition stuff. I’m not a lawyer and this is not legal advice, but I don’t think it’s even possible for him to sue your parents to compel them to pay for college costs. I know this is America, but we can’t just sue people with more money than we have to get them to pay for things we want. At least not yet.
Onto marriage advice: Sounds like you should turn this separation into a divorce that has some real structure around it, including legally scheduled custodial time. You can use the divorce process as an excuse to halt the twice-weekly dinners until it’s finalized. Divorces can be expensive, but it sounds like he’s taking advantage of the separation, and you’re getting the short end of the stick.
And then of course, the parenting advice: At 13 and 15, your kids are old enough to see what he’s doing is unfair and puts you in a bad position. It won’t help their emotional or mental health to pretend that everything is fine all the time. Life is not fine all the time! Your husband is taking advantage of your love for your kids and using it against you. You don’t need to spend time with him for their benefit. Later in life, they’ll learn about all of this. Stand up to him now. Make them proud.
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