My Husband Chose His Parents Over Me and Our Son. I Can’t Get Over It.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband (46) and I (45) have been together very happily for 14 years, and we have a son. We live a different lifestyle than my in-laws, who still love to party. They want my husband to act like he did when he was 21, single, and broke, when he was living on their sofa and joining them for partying. They blame me for the change in his priorities rather than realizing he simply grew up, and they often try to put a wedge in our relationship, like they did when they were in town this weekend.

They suggested an event that began right at our son’s bedtime. When my husband reminded his mom of this, she told him that he should go without us. I feel he should have told her right then that we are a package deal and to find an alternate activity. Instead, he asked me about it. I told him I thought it was really weird to even suggest excluding us and that it would hurt our son’s feelings. But he decided to go.

No one told the kiddo until they abruptly ended dinner to rush off to the activity. My son’s face got so bright thinking he was going along. I guess their plan was just to drive off, leaving him and me to deal with it myself? His dad put him in our car, which is when he finally realized that he wasn’t going with his dad and grandparents and cried. He cried all the way home, until he remembered they both had such “just a little time” and that he was probably on the way home. At bedtime he cried again when he still wasn’t there. Not once did my husband call to check on us. I’m not to opposed my husband going out without us or past bedtime at all, in fact he has done that multiple times with all the holiday things going on the past month. My issue is he ditched the ball and chain during a family visit, in a pull-the-rug-out-from-under-us kind of way.

My friend, I am very sorry to tell you that you really goofed here. Your husband messed up, too, yes, and you already know that. But what made this night hardest for your son, in my opinion, was your own failure to communicate with him.

It is OK that your husband told you that he wanted to go out with his parents. It’s also OK that you shared with him that you wished that he wouldn’t go, and it’s OK for him to have decided to go anyway. But that’s when things stopped being OK.

That conversation needed to go on for a few more beats. He needed to tell you why it was important for him to go, and try to at least get you on board with the plan. You needed to listen to his reasons and try to understand them. And once it was clear he was going, you both needed focus on how to make this easiest for your son. Instead, your husband orchestrated his exit and you decided to be offended and stew on that, letting your own hurt feelings color your actions for the rest of the evening, resulting in a hard time for your kid.

Ideally you and your husband would talked to your son together. But as soon as it was clear to you that his “plan” was to bounce and leave without talking to your son, you needed to intervene: “OK, son, Grandma, Granddad, and Daddy are going out to an adult show now, and we are going home to do bedtime. Let’s say goodnight to everyone, and then we can go home and read stories, and we’ll see daddy in the morning.” Or whatever. He would still be upset, probably! But at least he would have had all the information, instead of assuming he was going with them, assuming they’d be home when he got there, and then assuming they’d be home before bedtime.

Instead, you let your son keep making assumptions and keep getting disappointed. Come on! The comms here were simple: “It’s important for daddy and grandma and grandpa to get to spend some time together alone sometimes. But we’ll see them in the morning and all have pancakes then. I’m proud of you for being flexible.” You know your kid. What did he need to hear to feel safe and loved, even in less-than-optimal circumstances?

More empathy and more communication. That’s my Rx for you with both your husband and your son. That and: Tell your husband that you’ll be taking a night off soon, and get it on the calendar. He’s doing bedtime, and you’re doing whatever you want (watch TV alone, go out, see a movie). Give your son a lot of notice, make a plan to see him in the morning, kiss him goodnight, and have fun.

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