My In-Laws Love Expensive Gifts. This Goes Against Everything I Believe In!
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
We did a Christmas gift exchange with my in-laws. We’ve told them before that we don’t want extravagant gifts…
But they do it anyway. I have a 19-month-old, so while she isn’t fully grasping the concept of presents yet, I don’t want her associating Christmas with excess. For context, my in-laws gave the three of us gifts that totaled about $850 to $1,000. My daughter’s gifts alone were roughly $200 to $300. That feels like far too much for a toddler. We even felt uncomfortable with them spending that amount on us.
My husband is going to make sure we pump the brakes for next year. We don’t want to discourage gift-giving entirely, but this level of giving goes against what we’re trying to teach our daughter. Christmas isn’t about presents. The same goes for Easter and birthdays. At some point, boundaries aren’t about being ungrateful—they’re about values. So, how do you set and actually enforce limits with well-meaning but stubborn in-laws?
First, level set your thinking. I totally understand not wanting your daughter to feel like the holidays are about materialistic things, but that might not be the message your in-laws are trying to send. Your in-laws could very well value the idea of giving everything you can to those you love, and this is the only way they know how to show it. So, help them understand how to best show up for you and love you with some ideas for the whole family, so it doesn’t feel as if you’re singling them out.
For the four adults, suggest a themed Secret Santa. For example, the theme could be to gift a new experience that you’re sure your person has never tried. Or a family gift everyone can enjoy. That way, your in-laws aren’t limiting their spending, and it’s more about the fun of exchanging gifts together rather than actually giving or receiving something expensive.
As for your baby, that will be a slightly different conversation. Grandparents love to spoil their grandkids! And right now, your daughter is tiny enough that she really won’t know the difference in whether a gift is $3 or $300, so picking a battle over what message it might send to her probably isn’t worth it yet. I was so stressed this Christmas because I couldn’t get a big, expensive gift for my 3-year-old niece, but she yelled with excitement over the $6 coloring book I gave her. It’s all the same to them at that age! Whether you spend $6, $60, or $600, it really doesn’t matter.
As she gets older, you can gently guide your in-laws to items your daughter is showing interest in, and it could be as simple as a coloring book and some new crayons! Even if your in-laws get the most blinged-out set of art supplies available, it’ll bring the price down a bit.
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