Help! My Mother-in-Law “Improved” My Daughter’s Bedtime Story. The Ending Made My Blood Run Cold.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
My husband, our three young children, and I recently went on a vacation with my in-laws. We provided the accommodations. My mother-in-law tries to act more like our children’s mother than a grandmother. She loves her grandchildren, but she is very interfering, judgmental, and disrespectful to me and my husband. On this recent visit she brought a children’s book for our 5-year-old daughter that was missing the last two pages. The book was about a girl who visits her grandmother for the summer every year; my MIL wrote an ending with my daughter that sent a chill down my spine.
It said the girl’s parents died and she got to live with her grandmother forever. It was written like a happy ending! When we confronted her (away from the children) that it was inappropriate, she blamed our 5-year-old saying it was all her idea. I am so upset I can’t even look at this woman; and now she is suggesting we get together again next month to go camping. What should we do?
—MIL Hopes We Die
Thank you for this entry in the “worst mother-in-law of the year” contest. Interfering, judgmental, and disrespectful mothers-in-law are common complaints. But it takes a certain kind of genius to come up with the idea of ripping out the final pages of a children’s book and writing the happy ending about becoming an orphan so that one can live with Grammy forever! As usual, when you’re dealing with an in-law violation, I think the first line of defense is for the blood relation to have a serious talk. It’s time for your husband to explain to his mother that while she obviously loves the kids, and vice versa, she has to do some serious rethinking about her behavior. He needs to explain that she may not be aware of it, but she constantly undermines the two of you as parents. Now she’s gone off the rails entirely with the fantasy book ending that refers to the joys of orphanhood. I think he should tell her that an extended summer get-together is on ice this year. He can say you two are so steamed that you’re going to go away as a family without including the in-laws. He can say that he hopes this hiatus gives her a chance to think about how to be a loving grandmother without being an undermining one.
From: Mother Loathe. (May 27, 2015).
What is proper etiquette for disposing of baby diapers in public? I am a first-time mom and have noticed that other mommies often have a small disposable garbage bag that they put the baby’s diaper in and often take these wrapped up diapers with them to dispose of later when in public. I have not been participating in this practice and often at people’s homes, shopping malls, restaurants, coffee shops, etc., dispose of the dirty diaper in the trash receptacles. Only when I was at the pediatrician’s office and they informed me that I was unable to dispose of the dirty diaper at the office that I thought perhaps I have been committing a faux pas.
Thank you, other mommies, for wrapping up your children’s droppings and thinking about the most appropriate place to deposit these offerings. First-time mom, please don’t make people want to evacuate a restaurant or mall because of your child’s evacuation. No one wants to go over to the milk and sugar station at your local coffee shop and get a whiff from the refuse bin of something freshly brewed by your kid. If your pediatrician is telling you to take your unwrapped waste elsewhere, you know you’re violating an unwritten code—and common sense. When traveling with a diapered child, it is necessary to have plastic bags to tightly seal the dirty diaper when disposing of it in a public place. And these should be the kind of receptacles where such waste would be appropriate—so restrooms or outdoor trash bins. If you’re visiting friends, wrap the diaper up and put it in your bag for later disposal, unless you’re visiting someone with small children and you can ask if there’s a place you can toss it. You’re in charge of a baby, and this is an instance in which you just can’t let the chips fall where they may.
From: Touchy Tutorial. (July 23, 2015).
Our son had a longtime childhood friend, Jane, and they started dating in high school. Jane’s mother died when she was young and her father was neglectful due to alcohol abuse. We helped Jane get her driver’s license, paid for her college applications, and she occasionally lived with us. We grew very close to her and she considers us adoptive parents. Now, after six years together, our son has broken up with Jane after getting involved with another girl at their college. Jane is devastated, and so are we! My wife and I want to keep our promises to Jane—namely that we would help finance her books and dorm costs and that she could stay with us during school breaks, as her father is homeless. Our son insists we stop all contact with Jane now that they’ve broken up because he doesn’t want to see her and wants to feel free to bring his new girlfriend around. I can’t in good faith leave a young adult we’ve parented for years in the lurch, but we’re reaching an impasse with our son and he’s now angry with us. What should we do?
—Relationship With Son’s Ex
What a tragic situation, and how kind of you to step up and fill the breach in this hurting young person’s life. If only Jane had been your son’s dear friend, and not his girlfriend, this would be so much easier. It was essentially destined that this high school romance wouldn’t last, and now it hasn’t. You have obligations to two young people. First, to your son. Yes, you can be sad he and Jane broke up, but that’s normal, that happens, and you cannot put the weight of the world on him for wanting to move on from his high school girlfriend. You also can’t tell your son that when he comes home during the holidays his former girlfriend will be there. However, you can’t abandon her. So this is a very tricky needle to thread.
First, try to establish some non-devastated communication with your son. Tell him that you understand that high school romances end and you are excited to meet his new girlfriend. Then explain all of you are in a difficult position because you, as adults, feel a moral and financial obligation to Jane. Explain you and his mother are going to do your best to discharge that without ever making him feel as if he’s done something wrong by breaking up. Say that you will not do anything behind his back, but you and his mother also want to help Jane move forward. She is alone in the world, and you two want to help her be less so. Then you and your wife need to have some talks with Jane. Surely, a girl who’s been through what she has needs counseling—not just to get over your son, but to get on with her life. She needs a larger network than the two of you. Maybe she can spend holidays with a roommate or a friend—while also visiting you two during, say, a short school break when your son is not planning to come home. You can tell her what you plan to do as far as financial support is concerned, but you two also need some counseling on how best to help her. Maybe, with Jane’s permission, you can talk to the dean of students on her behalf and explain her situation and that she needs attention and aid. But first, re-establish good relations with your son and some ground rules that honor his needs, while helping him see that his parents can help Jane without him feeling emotionally burdened.
From: Dumped Again. (Oct. 13, 2015).
I work in a really great office and I have the best boss I have ever had with one exception: Every time my boss walks by my office he makes flatulent noises with his mouth.