My Due Date Coincides With a Sad Day in My Sister’s Past. But What She’s Asking Me to Do About It Is Way Out of Bounds.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister “Anna” had a miscarriage of a much-wanted pregnancy last year. I am currently pregnant, and the date of her miscarriage is the date I am due. Now Anna has made an unimaginable request: She wants me to have myself induced into labor before that date because, according to her, if I were to have my baby on the day she miscarried, she “would never get over it.”

I have explained to her there’s no guarantee I will have my baby on my due date—it’s an approximation—and even if there were, I am not going to be induced into labor ahead of time for non-medical reason! Anna is now pitching a fit and even tried to get our mother to work on me. She backed off once I told her that if she didn’t, she could forget seeing the baby until they graduated from college. Anna is still pestering me to the point that I have blocked her and disinvited her from my baby shower. What can I do to get her to understand that if my baby arrives on the anniversary of her miscarriage, I’m not doing it to spite her?

—Some Things Are Beyond Control

I’m going to assume that you didn’t know the date of your sister’s miscarriage when you told her your due date and that you were totally unaware of what that day meant to her. If not, you owe her an apology. If you’d known your due date and the date of her miscarriage were the same, then telling her that coincidence would have been insensitive. You could have told her a different date—how would she have known?

Either way, your sister is struggling with this loss, and she needs you to be empathetic, even if she’s being unreasonable. Considering the timing, regardless of exactly what day you give birth, it’s likely to fall around the anniversary of her miscarriage. It might not be the worst thing for her to miss your baby shower, as an event like that may be too much for her to cope with until she has a better handle on her grief. Let her know how tremendously sorry you are for her loss and acknowledge that your pregnancy may be triggering. Tell her, again, that you are not going to schedule an induction unless medically necessary and remind her that a due date is an approximation that is rarely literal. If you’re a spiritual person, you may consider telling her that you’re praying for the baby to come on another day; even if you aren’t much for prayer, you can tell her that you feel confident that your delivery will land on another occasion. (My due date was the 22nd and I had a series of conversations with my baby asking her to come a week later so I could clock some more hours at work—the power of positive thinking can be very strong! She came on the 29th, just as I’d hoped.)

You should also consider talking to other loved ones regarding your concerns about your sister’s state of mind and possibly suggesting that she seek professional help. Affirm that she has every reason to be heartbroken over her loss and offer that talking to someone may help her find a sense of peace. Be prepared for the likelihood that the birth of your child may be painful for her, no matter which day your baby arrives and no matter how happy your sister may be for you, and don’t take her behavior personally.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother went down the fundamentalist Christian rabbit hole six months ago when she became involved with her current partner, “Bob.” As you can imagine, MAGA is a co-morbidity that accompanies it. I have watched her transform from the sweet, wonderful woman who raised me into a frothing-at-the-mouth bigot. She was able to keep it mostly in check around my 10-year-old son, Jack, but a few days ago, he came home early from my mother’s place (we live close enough that he can ride his bike over) in tears. When I asked him what happened, he said my mother had called his best friend “Mark” the N-word when he was telling her about a project they were working on for their science class. Jack says he doesn’t want to see her anymore. I’m willing to respect that, but what has me stumped is how to answer his question about why “Grandma has turned mean.” Any suggestions?

Dear No Easy Answers,

Your son is likely aware of the MAGA movement and numerous consequences of the current political climate, such as the recent shooting death of an unarmed woman by an ICE agent in Minneapolis. If you haven’t talked to him about the polarizing nature of our bigoted, sexist, rapist-in-chief, you’re behind. Your son needs to know what’s going on in the world around him, and he is old enough to learn the truth about what happened to Grandma. Talk to him about the racism and hatred that defines the modern-day Republican party and how vulnerable people are being impacted as a result. Explain propaganda to help and talk about how many folks have been seduced into embracing an agenda that doesn’t have their best interests at heart. Speak plainly about anti-Black racism and how his experiences may differ from those of his BFF; one stark contrast, for example, would be him making it 10 years without having this kind of conversation. Soundly condemn his grandmother’s attitudes, and keep him away from her if she’s unable to keep them to herself in his presence. Be prepared to explain why you maintain a relationship with her in spite of her ideologies. If he hasn’t discussed what happened with his friend, discourage him from doing so; if he has, reach out to the boy’s parents to offer an apology and assurance that this language isn’t acceptable in your household.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Allie,” and I have two kids: “Becca,” who is 5, and “Sam,” who is 3. Over Christmas, we spent some time at my brother’s place. He has two boys, 7 and 9. The day after we got back, Allie heard our kids casually swearing while playing with a puzzle. When Allie found out the kids had learned it from their cousins, she lost her shit. Now she says she doesn’t want Becca and Sam around my brother’s kids again! They were going to learn those words eventually, and I’m not willing to cause a family rift over something this stupid. Do I try to talk some sense into my wife, or just take the kids to my brother’s place on the sly?

Kindly inform your wife that her reaction is a bit much. Considering that you used curse words in your letter (some of which I edited out), I’m assuming that swearing is part of your natural parlance. Does she also use this language? You may want to gently point out that the kids might very well overhear one of you speaking that way, or that they might pick it up from passerby in public. Acknowledge that no, of course you don’t want your little ones cursing, but ask what true harm was caused by them trying those words on for size. Assure her that what both sets of kids did was developmentally appropriate and that your children could easily be introduced to cussing at school at some point. Your littles are a bit younger than their cousins, and it would be fair to propose only allowing them to spend supervised time together at this point.

I’m a college student home for the summer who took her nieces, ages 5 and 9, out for a day. While I was reapplying my red lipstick, the two girls begged me to let them wear it too because they wanted to look like me. I agreed. Later that day we took a picture, which I posted on Facebook. Their mother, my aunt, went ballistic, saying, among other things, that I was sexualizing them and a bad role model for wearing lipstick myself.