I Bought My Kid a Present. Now I’m Having Second Thoughts.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My kid is a struggling college student. I’m thrilled they are going to school and staying in school—they have a medical condition that is disabling and tricky to manage. Because of this, their grades are low and for the past two semesters they have failed a class, dropped a class, and started taking a lower course load to compensate. This semester, to try to stay closer to on track, they have a full course load again. Earlier last semester when they were doing well, I got them the new gaming system they asked for, to give to them for their birthday this month. However now I’m having second thoughts about giving it to them.

If it goes with them back to school, it will be a distraction from their studies. What should I do here? Give it to them outright, as they are an adult and can make choices, give it to the two of us together and insist it stays at home, or find a different, less distracting gift? I’m inclined to the second choice but it seems a bit controlling. My husband is leaving the choice up to me. What should I do?

Give your kid the gaming system without caveat and with joy. Tell them they deserve it and you’re happy to give them something they wanted. Later, you can offer to let them keep the console at home if they’d like. But tell them with conviction that you’re proud of them and know they can handle it.

Your kid is an adult—a fledgling, sure, but imposing rules on them isn’t the way to go here. I’d also ask you, gently, to reconsider your view of them as a “struggling college student.” A disabling medical condition is serious business! From here, it looks like they’re a successful college student in that they’re enrolled and trying.

Instead of worrying about the gaming console, I’d instead prod them about the increased course load and the goal of “staying on track.” If their disability makes it hard for them to focus with a full course load, then their disability makes it hard for them to focus with a full course load. There’s nothing shameful or wrong about that. That’s the message you should both be focused on. Good luck!

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I’m one of those letter writers who probably just needs to hear someone say what I already know. A few months ago I ended a five-year relationship with someone I still love dearly because I couldn’t see a way to agree on a future family. When we talked about kids earlier in the relationship, my perception was that both of us were pretty ambivalent. (In my experience, “maybe someday” is what twentysomething men say when they haven’t given it a lot of thought.) Now it seems clear that becoming a dad someday is important to him