Help! The Way My Girlfriend Prepares Food Might Be the Reason We Can Never Live Together.

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My girlfriend grew up on a farm and had to fend for herself and a sibling a great deal, especially around preparing meals. Somewhere along the line, she became an adult who over-purchases food and prepares quantities of it fit for an army, even when it’s just the two of us. She is constantly stressed about using up groceries and leftovers before they spoil, but this doesn’t seem to reduce the quantities she purchases or cooks. Even coffee is a stressor. She makes a full 12-cup pot even if we are both taking a single cup on our way out the door. It’s a very expensive habit.

I grew up with a hoarder parent who functioned in much the same way, and I carry a lot of guilt around food waste, especially meat. Working in other people’s homes over many years has made me excellent at grocery planning and meal prep. I shop seasonally and with a plan for every item. I make simple, healthy meals, and leftovers are reasonable and quickly consumed.

I know that my girlfriend is showing care with her food prep habits. She is otherwise an excellent, attentive partner. But the quantities of everything are stressing me to overeat or feel guilty about food waste. She’s also not choosing vegetables or healthy foods, while I am very focused on maintaining my healthy weight. This is an issue that I can see turning contentious if we moved in together. I’d honestly prefer to handle 100 percent of the food or just not ever live together. How do I get her to change this behavior without hurting her feelings or making her feel like I’m rejecting her care?

—I Can’t Be the Fridge Monitor

Dear I Can’t Be the Fridge Monitor,

The next time your girlfriend mentions how stressed she is about waste, ask her if she is open to help or advice. If she is, you could remind her that you’ve done shopping and food prep professionally and would be excited to talk about your tips (which I imagine are things like “Set a budget and stick to it,” “Plan your meals and then buy the ingredients you’ll need,” and “Use two scoops of coffee”). You two could try freezing leftovers immediately (before they turn questionable) for the future or making up appealing-looking plates and delivering them to someone nearby who could use a meal.

You could also make specific requests like, “I’ve been trying to maintain my weight. How would you feel about making something from this new cookbook I got about healthy meals for two instead of enchiladas? We could choose something together, and I’d help make it.” An even easier approach would be to just skip the items that don’t fit your current diet and maybe supplement the meal with something you bring from home (for example, if she’s making fettuccine alfredo and you’re trying to limit carbs, you could put her sauce over zucchini noodles and add a bagged salad).

But there is a problem that lies beyond the reach of tips, tricks, and logistics. What’s going to make this relationship tough is that you both have strong emotions about food, and they affect your behavior in opposite ways. She creates waste (maybe because she feels comforted by having excess, at least at the purchasing and cooking stage), and you feel alarmed by it. Her side of this is between her and her therapist. But even if she doesn’t change, you can bring yourself some peace by working on your own issues. Start by trying to embrace the idea that you’re not helping anyone by eating food that you don’t want or that you don’t think is what your body needs. Yes, she might create waste, but if you consume it in an effort to solve the problem, she has still overpurchased and made too much, but now you also feel overly full and resentful.

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With holiday hosting now behind us, I may have committed an error that I’d like some advice on. I hosted our extended family for a holiday party, and it was a potluck-hybrid style menu. I made some dishes, and people brought some others. My sibling, who lives out of state and had been visiting for only a few days, brought a dessert.

I overheard them mutter to their significant other that all the dishes had meat in them. I didn’t find out until later that my sibling is on a meatless diet. My sibling and I don’t talk very much, but I would have assumed they would have let me know if they had any dietary needs, as I would’ve happily accommodated. This wasn’t an allergy issue or a moral issue. It was just a lifestyle choice. I have a child with a food allergy, so I always make sure to disclose this to the host of any party we attend beforehand. So my question is this: Should I have asked as the host, or should my sibling have told me?

I don’t think anyone was horribly wrong here. A considerate host asks about dietary restrictions, but it was reasonable for you to assume that your sibling hadn’t stopped eating meat and that the question didn’t need to be raised. At the same time, it would have been nice for them to mention their new lifestyle and any plans they had to accommodate it, or requests for you (“I’ll bring my favorite plant-based meatloaf, and if you have a salad, that would be great”). But it was also safe for them to assume that in all likelihood a potluck would include something they could eat.

Remember: No one is mad at you. Your sibling mumbling to their significant other isn’t an accusation. So let’s put aside the question of what should have happened, which is always a pretty useless one when it comes to interpersonal relationships where there is no “should” enforcement mechanism, and instead think about what you might do next time so you feel good about your hosting and your sibling feels welcomed: Ask them about their latest dietary restrictions and if there’s anything special they’d like you to have on hand.

I’ll add that between the lines of your letter, I’m picking up on a feeling of distance and maybe even tension between you two that is about more than just food. Going even further out on a limb, your gender neutral language makes me wonder whether there’s something with your sibling’s identity or security and your family’s response that has caused them to pull back from the family. If I’m right, and if you’d like to change that, try saying something like this: “I was so happy you came to the holiday party, and it is really good to see [partner’s name] too. I’ve been feeling terrible that I didn’t have anything you could eat. I know part of the reason I didn’t know you were avoiding meat is that we haven’t been talking as much, and I got to thinking about how we should chat more. So if your phone rings and you see my name, don’t think someone died— I just want to check in on you more in the new year, if you’re OK with that. Either way, I’ll be looking at some meatless recipes for next time.”

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My mother-in-law, who usually gives us cheap junk Christmas gifts, surprised us this year with a genuinely thoughtful and custom gift: a piece of art with our names on it, tied to a hobby we do as a family. It’s lovely, and she was clearly proud of herself. The problem? We already own a slightly different version of the exact same thing.

To make it more awkward, the existing piece is already hanging on our wall, directly outside the guest room. Unless we take it down (which I don’t want to—honestly, I like it better, and it was expensive), she’ll probably notice it the next time she visits. Though somehow she hasn’t noticed it on previous visits.

We didn’t tell her when we opened the gift. I had to muffle my 4-year-old before he blurted it out. So what do we do now? Hang both? Hide the new one and hope she assumes the existing one is hers? We care about her feelings, despite her gift-giving tendencies.

—We Really Are Grateful, I Swear

About the piece of art: Is this, like, a painting of all of you skateboarding, walking your dog, playing soccer, or foraging for mushrooms, commissioned by someone on Etsy? Could you just hang it alongside or above the original or across the hall and make it a “custom family art” corner? If you like the gift, I see no problem with that—or with hanging it in a different area of your house. You can never have too many clothespins painted to represent each member of your family!

If your mother-in-law finally pays attention to her surroundings and notices that she wasn’t the first to have this idea, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Reiterate that her gift was extremely thoughtful, and you love it. The fact that you owned something similar just proves how in tune she was with what your family might like.

My mother married and had me while she was in high school. She is the bravest woman I know, and she raised my brother and me by herself, put herself through college, and has finally married the love of her life after divorcing my alcoholic father and waste-of-space stepfather. Recently, she discovered she was pregnant again at 41. I am 23 and three months pregnant with my first child…