When I Left My Marriage, I Discovered What I Really Like in Bed. I’m Not Ashamed, but I’m Certainly Shocked.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am a few years out of a long, vanilla marriage. I’ve always had an interest in kink and BDSM, but my ex was not interested at all. Since we divorced, I’ve been able to explore those urges and live out some of my wildest fantasies.
I’ve learned that I particularly enjoy impact play and pain, and I’ve found a regular Dom who provides that for me and also takes amazing care of me. It’s been the most incredible release of my life. I’m often left with marks and bruises for days or weeks after, which I also love. My stress and anxiety have reduced dramatically, and my mental health is the best it’s ever been.
But I can’t help but wonder, is this really OK? I know being into BDSM is far from uncommon, and I’m not ashamed of my proclivities, but sometimes I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that getting consensually beaten is something that makes me so happy. Are there any long-term, negative consequences I should be concerned about?
Dear Bruised and Beaming,
The old BDSM slogan of “safe, sane, and consensual” has been updated to “risk-aware consensual kink,” in part to emphasize that risk is part of this practice. There is no such thing as completely guaranteed safety—in general life, and especially with activities reserved for adults like consuming alcohol or getting beaten for fun. To linger on the booze metaphor, there’s a world of difference between pouring yourself a whiskey from a bottle produced by the factory of a known, well-managed brand, and leaving your red Solo cup of home-brewed moonshine unattended for half an hour at a venue full of folks you’ve never met before in your life.
Take things slow, check information given to you by educators or tops when you’re evaluating whether they’re trustworthy, and listen to what your body and feelings are telling you. If something seems off, it might be so. If you feel anxious about getting into a vulnerable situation with someone, respect that emotion and err on the side of caution. If your boundaries are being disrespected or a safeword, “no,” or “stop” is ignored (outside of a carefully and explicitly negotiated consensual non-consent scene), leave. If someone is telling you safewords aren’t allowed, you’re looking at one of the biggest warning signs possible.
Spanking, caning, whipping, and similar do come with risks, and there are very few resources available to conduct solid studies on most of those risks. We know that internal organs can be damaged by ill-placed blows (this is why even basic education around BDSM drills the need to avoid the area of the back that is above the kidneys, for instance). There are some online guides to walk you through the body’s “safety zones,” as it pertains to impact play, and areas you should avoid, like kidneys, spines, and the neck, to name a few. Risks can be mitigated by playing with responsible partners, and by everyone involved staying sober. Any impact that breaks skin (surprisingly common with canes) is going to have the same risks and need the same care as any open wound, which can be a little complicated to do for yourself if the area of your body is difficult to reach, like the middle of your back. People who receive heavy bruising in the same spots repeatedly do sometimes develop a permanent mottled appearance in those areas (I’ve only seen this on people who play very hard, quite often, for a large number of years, but your mileage may vary).
Unfortunately, the medical effects of BDSM aren’t as well studied as something like anal sex, so facts and data are hard to come by. Regardless, if something in your body seems wrong or off, it’ll be important to see the relevant type of medical professional. The Kink Aware Professionals Network has a database of people who volunteered to be included, but people in your local scene may also know someone nearby who is confirmed to be kink-friendly. Failing that, most doctors will do their job professionally (though they may ask about abuse, trafficking, or similar—speaking of the merits of erring on the side of caution), and many will be at least familiar with the fact that plenty of folks do creative things during sex, which sometimes result in injury. The memes of doctors displaying objects that should not be repurposed as butt plugs exist for a reason.
As for potential emotional consequences, there are a couple of common stumbling blocks to consider. Shame is a big one. Sex therapist Marty Klein described shame as a significant root of sexual issues in an article for Psychology Today a couple of years back. I have no reason to doubt you when you say you aren’t ashamed of your sexual practices, but do pay attention if shame does show up, and know that it might be affecting the behaviors of others whom you interact with. Sometimes the presence of shame means a little more effort is required to communicate well, and on rare but dangerous occasions, people take their shame out in the form of nonconsensual activities on others.
Coercion and abuse are the other main concerns. BDSM guides and theory emphasize over and over, across decades, that what separates those practices from abuse is consent. I believe this is true. At the same time, though, praxis has a way of being more complex—including becoming blurry, messy, or crossing lines. Stick to partners who respect your boundaries and who approach acts or dynamics that you’re open to but not experienced with in a gentle and cautious manner. You don’t mention whether roleplay and power dynamics are part of your kink interests, but just in case: The difference between behavior in a scene (an interaction where all parties are playing roles that they have agreed to, for a fairly limited duration) and behavior outside of sex can get slippery. Some people do negotiate and agree to long-term or full-time BDSM relationships, and are very happy with their experiences. But those are complicated, extremely nuanced, and something best left alone until you have a large amount of experience with both BDSM and the specific person in question.
Mollena Williams-Haas and her partner, Georg Friedrich Haas, were the subjects of a documentary that might be illuminating, and I highly recommend any of Williams-Haas’s writing on the subjects of leather, kink, and BDSM. 7DaysofDomination’s library of educational videos is largely geared toward professionals, but contains a large range of topics that might overlap with your interests. Community events like classes and workshops will be useful as well.
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