My Husband’s New Favorite Move in Bed Is Working Really Well. I Need to Put a Stop to It.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband has developed a new kink. What’s become annoying is that for the past month, he has required sex to start with this new move.

He likes to hide in our closet and watch me masturbate. Then, when I’m close to coming, he will join me. The trouble is that ever since it began, he’s been better in bed than ever, while at the same time, I’d just like to have some normalcy again. When I brought it up, he said I was “crazy” for wanting to ruin a good thing. How do we figure this out?

This extended foreplay is annoying and a break from normalcy for you. But what else? What is the issue here that makes this not worth the trade-off of your husband’s best sexual performance to date? Do you feel pressured to perform, literally putting on a show to get your husband going? Do you prefer to masturbate privately? Is the amuse-bouche less than amusing to you? Would you like more spontaneity?

I’m asking these questions to help prompt you to locate and identify just what about this is a problem for you. I know this may not be possible, and I want to be very clear: “No” needs no follow-up. It’s a complete sentence. You do not have to participate in any sexual act that you don’t want, even if you once participated. You can change your mind at any time. A good partner will respect this. But you and your husband are actively engaged in a conversation about this new kink, and I think for the sake of clarity, it would be a good idea for you to get a grip on exactly what you don’t like about this. You aren’t “crazy,” but to him, it clearly seems odd that he’s figured out a way to level up in bed, and you’re resistant. It’s completely OK if the process isn’t worth its results to you, but specificity as to why that’s the case is important for the sake of harmony and clarity.

I do think you’ve been a considerate and patient partner. You’ve done your time, you tried something out. Instead of revoking it completely, it may be wise to maintain some semblance of the generosity you have been extending. Maybe you go one for you, one for him: Spontaneous sex (or whatever it is you are actually looking for) one time, watching-you-masturbate precursor the next. Compromise. But do be practical: If the sex really is so much better with his preferred foreplay, think long and hard about whether it’s actually worth giving up, especially if it’s just because you’re concerned about what’s “normal.”

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