My Wife Needs a “Recovery Period” After Sex. I’ve Figured Out a Way to Make That Better for Me.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have been together for 12 years and overall have a loving, supportive, and great relationship. The birth of our daughter two years ago was physically difficult for my wife, and she needs a “recovery period” after we have sex, which limits our sessions to about once a week.
I prefer to get off once a day for my own mental well-being and stress issues, and have been happily taking care of this myself to avoid putting any pressure on my wife, as our sex life is otherwise great.
However, I’m not really into videos of strangers online, and would prefer to be mentally focused on my wife during these solo sessions. My ideal solution would be to record one of our joint sessions that I could watch when solo, but I don’t know if this is a crazy idea. If not, what would be the best way to raise this idea with my wife (we’ve never really sent sexy messages or racy pictures to each other previously)? Any suggestions would be appreciated!
Dear Potential Porno Producer,
What if, instead of relying on the consumption of media, you relied on your imagination and your memories? You could reminisce about particularly enjoyable sex you’ve previously had with your wife, fantasize about sex you might have with her in the future, and use embodiment and mindfulness skills (specifically, the ones that focus on being present in the moment and noticing all the details) to soak up the experiences of the weekly-or-so sex you do get to have with your wife (and bank that for future wanking).
I ask because it seems very unlikely that your wife will be excited to jump from “never really” sexting or sending saucy photos to performing in homegrown pornography. Sure, you never know, but making that request could be combustible. Think it through—in the 12 years that you’ve known your wife, has she ever expressed any interest in such an endeavor? Has she enjoyed exhibitionism? Has she said anything that indicates a desire to capture her sexuality? And has she made any comments that suggest a discomfort with or judgment of explicit sexual media? Those answers will help you weigh whether it’s worth the risk of making this suggestion.
It’s also worth considering what else you can do to support your mental well-being and cope with stress. Masturbating to level things out is generally fine, but you’ll be better off if you have a few solid options for the simple sake of variety and also in the event that masturbation is off the table for several days—or longer—at some point. Also, while your wife needs a week or so in between the kinds of sex the two of you regularly have, you might think about other ways to engage with each other erotically that might satisfy both of you.
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Dear How to Do It,
How are people having spontaneous/morning sex? I enjoyed the few occasions of spontaneity I experienced, and would like more. However, I typically like to shower and brush my teeth (or otherwise wash up) before sex—for cleanliness and my sensitive sense of smell. As someone wanting more morning sex, how can one get by? Is this just personal to me, or do people set these reservations aside for the sake of the lay?
Lots of people aren’t that sensitive in the olfactory department. Some don’t find the scent of freshly-awakened humans off-putting, or even consider it a bonus. Individual feelings about scents and cleanliness can fluctuate, as can the scents themselves, and, as wildly controversial as pheromones are, the natural scent of one person can be a huge turn-on while an equal strength whiff of another might be unappealing. There are plenty of folks who don’t even notice scent, and there are plenty more who are highly sensitive to it. Some have no reservations, others are setting them aside for the sake of spontaneous morning sex, and still more are getting up to take care of some aspect of hygiene before sex and coming back to bed.
So, are you concerned about how you smell to yourself, how you smell to your partners, or how your partners smell to you? And are we talking about long-term relationships or a string of hook-ups? Also, who is hosting the sleepover? There are a lot of factors to consider here, and several different ways to navigate the issue.
One approach is to get up before your partner does, do whatever level of cleaning up you require (probably not the time for an everything shower and the dental equivalent), and then let them know where a clean towel and toothbrush are and that you’ll be back in a bit with coffee. You’re clean, they probably take the opportunity to get clean, and then you’re both back in bed. This relies on you hosting, having the necessary items on hand, and them taking a hint to clean up. If you’re only concerned about the way you smell, a breath spray and an intimate area wipe might be enough, and you can keep those in a pocket or handbag. If your main worry is how you smell to your partner, it might be that you’re far more conscious of it than they are, and simply asking them about it could clear up your concerns. If you’re in a long-term relationship, you can share this whole conundrum with your partner and work together on ways to set yourselves up for the spontaneity you’re seeking—not to mention the likelihood of being able to leave toothbrushes at each other’s places.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’ve got a weird one for you today. My husband and I are in our early 40s, married for years, and have a bunch of kids of different ages. He’s still hot, I’m still hot. Our sex life has ebbed and flowed over the years, but we’ve really been making an effort this past year to be more open and adventurous, and it’s been great. I’ve been more interested in sex with him recently than I have for a long time, but something is going on inside me that is overshadowing that.
When I was younger and single, I didn’t get out there much, mostly because I’m demisexual and really don’t get anything out of one-night stands or friends with benefits. I did, however, have a very active fantasy life. Think, really intense, time-consuming daydreams about falling in love, usually with excessive longing and sexual tension, where the release of all those intense feelings is almost besides the point, and I just go back and start at the beginning.
Since I met my hubby, I’ve barely fantasized, which has been abnormal in the context of my life. But over the past year, it has come back with a vengeance. Sex is becoming more satisfying. But somehow I’ve been in free-fall for the past year into what has become the construction of an imaginary lover that intrudes into my daily life, maybe more than ever before. It’s always the same made-up guy, who, of course, offers me a superlative romantic and erotic connection, which, even in the context of the daydream, is forbidden. While driving, I’ll be locking eyes and nervously conversing with a new man I wish I didn’t know would be my soulmate. While listening to someone talk about their day, my head will be full of images of my mouth full of his gorgeous cock. The days of unending sexual tension have given way to very graphic fantasies of intensely emotional—and deliciously freaky—sex. Even in my fantasies, I don’t want to cheat or leave, but this imaginary character lures me away.
I have been trying everything to stop these overwhelming daydreams. It has been interfering with my ability to enjoy time with my husband. Could it be that I’m just getting older, and desperately afraid that I will never have the feeling of falling, and finding new love again? Am I just ungrateful? Is indulging these fantasies harmful? Or is it just part of who I am that I should give myself room to enjoy?
Dear Delulu in Honolulu,
Your fantasies are intruding into your daily life. Specifically, your thoughts are wandering while you’re driving, while you’re conversing with people in your life, and while you’re spending time with your husband. It’s interfering with your ability to enjoy your time with him. So this is causing some harm, with the potential for significant harm. This has been going on for approximately a year, and you’ve been unable to control it. All these factors combined make for a pretty concerning situation.
I’d start with a licensed therapist (marriage and family therapist and/or clinical social worker) who has a specialization in sexuality but has all the psychological education, supervised clinical experience, and licensing to also consider mental health factors that might be at play. Spend a few sessions laying everything on the table and answering questions that they have. Get the kind of opinion that can’t be given based on a letter, and then decide how to best handle your fantasies from there.
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I’ve been married to my husband for more than 10 years, and we have a wonderful sex life. He’s attentive, generous, good in bed, and very good at going down me—he almost always does so prior to intercourse. The problem is that I have developed a pretty intense gag reflex over the past few years. I’m not sure if it’s because of medications that I take—I’ve been on several at different times throughout our marriage because of a chronic condition—but other than that, I have no idea what could be causing it.