Something Terrible Happens Every Time I’m About to Uh, Finish
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m asexual and in my 30s. I do masturbate a couple of times a month, but I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm—mostly it’s more like the satisfaction of scratching an itch, which I do until I get bored, or my hand gets tired. (This may be related to being on SSRIs more than half of my life, as I understand it.) When I want to masturbate it’s more like it’s just something I need to do, like a nap when I’m tired or a glass of water when I’m thirsty. I don’t have any shame issues, I have nice relaxing fantasies—nonsexual, solo activities that I find satisfying and comforting. It’s been this way for over a decade.
Two big changes have happened recently for me: I’m starting to actually get a building, stronger sense of pleasure, which would be great except the second change.
Right as it starts getting close to being really good … I suddenly get a splitting headache. Like, nausea, seeing spots, can’t-walk-straight headache. I’d never had a migraine before this happened the first time, and now the last few times I tried to masturbate, it’s been up to 12 hours of light sensitivity and nausea and misery. Is this a thing that happens to people? The people I normally would bring this up to (like family or friends) struggled fiercely with the whole “asexual” thing, and I don’t really want to handle talking ace masturbation practices with them. I also don’t want to trouble the medical system right now with what might just be a thing that happens sometimes. Thanks for your help.
What you describe sounds like a sexual headache, sometimes referred to as an orgasm headache, though a headache that appears just before or during the onset of orgasm is, in fact, one type of sexual headache. It’s very considerate of you to not want to bother busy medical professionals, but unless you’re in an area of the world that is currently being absolutely ravaged by COVID or war, you should get yourself to a doctor. You’re worth it, and there are plenty of places with the bandwidth to examine and treat you. These headaches might indicate nothing more than a condition that is confined only to masturbation, but they might also indicate a much more serious underlying condition. And if they are just sexual headaches, they could be treated with prescription meds like beta blockers and indomethacin. If you’re in the U.S., you won’t be able to get those without going to a doctor. So go to a doctor. Why are you still sitting there reading this? Go!
From: Something Very Weird Is Happening When I Get “Close.” (May 24, 2021).
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Dear How to Do It,
I have had some unusual experiences with a new massage therapist. I have been going to someone weekly or bi-weekly for several years. When the lady who normally saw me retired, I went with the lady they hired to take her place. Many times, with my original lady, I would get erect—sometimes briefly, sometimes not so briefly. She basically just ignored it and continued on with the massage. Embarrassingly, I would sometimes ejaculate, which she simply ignored.
The new therapist has not ignored it. When she gets to my inner thigh and I get erect, she tends to stay in that area massaging me. She’s actually gotten so close her hands have brushed my scrotum under the towel, and she even massages very low on my abdomen and brushed the base of the shaft of my penis. She will continue to massage in that area until I ejaculate. She then wipes me off with the towel that covers me and often doesn’t replace it with another. Yesterday, as she was massaging my thighs, the towel slipped off my erection and she simply completely removed it and watched as I ejaculated everywhere since there wasn’t anything covering my penis. She then wiped everything up and continued the massage.
I am unsure of her motives and frankly don’t want to end up like certain celebrities who’ve been accused of being sexual misfits. Yet for some reason, I keep going back. Aren’t there rules of conduct here or some etiquette? Am I in the wrong for getting a boner during a massage?
Dear Unsure and Aroused,
“Yet for some reason, I keep going back,” he says as if life is a mystery and everyone must stand alone. You aren’t wrong for getting erections during massages—that is common, seemingly out of your control, and most seasoned therapists are already aware that such a bodily response is possible. I think if you’re going here specifically to show off your hard dick and/or somehow coerce the therapist into engaging with it, you should stop doing that. People in the service industry already put up with enough without having your kink/dick thrust at them.
If you’re having an inadvertent physiological reaction to a treatment that you’re seeking for nonsexual reasons, I don’t think there is that much to worry about. Different therapists have different styles, and your current one seems somewhat more engaged with your erection than the last while being sure not to cross a line. Maybe she finds your ability to ejaculate hands-free interesting. I would! That’s not something you see every day. (At least, it’s not something I see every day, but then I’m not a massage therapist.) I think in this case, your job is to lay there, and her job is to do her job. Left to her own devices, she gets to decide how much attention she wants to pay to any particular area.
Since this is ambiguous to you, why don’t you cut through the silence with some directness. Next time your erection is unignorable, excuse yourself and ask if she’d like you to cover up more/turn on your stomach until it (theoretically) subsides. You know, you can talk to her. You’re clearly not a monk. As a professional in this line of work, she undoubtedly has comfort boundaries, so allow her to voice them. And tip her well, regardless.
From: My New Massage Therapist Is Pushing Our Sessions in an Unexpected Direction. (Sept. 04, 2022).
Dear How to Do It,
Where to start? I (35M) have a pregnancy/birth fetish and my wife does not but she is fine with it; we’ve been together for 12 years. Over the years I’ve let more and more about my fetish come out and to date, there really isn’t anything she doesn’t know, including that I like to write pregnancy erotica stories online. The fact I hadn’t shared everything at the beginning of our relationship has been a problem for her before but she says she knows there is shame and embarrassment and it wasn’t that I wanted to hide things from her, just that it was hard to share.
A year or so ago, during her third pregnancy, we both thought it would be fun to chat with the fetish community and she was on board for a while but then just kind of dropped off from lack of interest. I, on the other hand, stayed talking with that community and enjoy being able to connect with like-minded people about it. Later on, I got into role-playing and I admit it was not OK for me to do it without telling her first so she was understandably upset. I stopped everything immediately and deleted accounts. The conversations that followed were always about why I hadn’t asked her to do role-playing or engage with her about my fetish. I use the example of someone with cancer needing a support group to understand what they’re going through; that person wouldn’t seek out someone that’s never had cancer. She says she understands the difference but her actions and feelings say otherwise.
I know this is hard for her to get over but at the same time I feel like being able to write and chat about my niche sexual fetish is healthy for me and if it were to stop because she doesn’t like it… I can already feel the resentment settling in. I wouldn’t do role-playing again, I completely see how that was wrong, but for the rest how do I help her understand it’s not about dissatisfaction with her while being able to exercise my sexuality?
Dear Kink Versus Wife,
You’ve done just about everything you can to help her understand the draw for you here. That she “understands” the difference between you wanting to engage fellow kinky people and someone like herself, who isn’t nearly as into pregnancy kink, but acts and feels in a way that betrays such understanding is actually not a contradiction. Intellect exists in one realm, emotions comprise another. These things sometimes align, but it’s hardly surprising when they don’t because feelings aren’t rational. I think people can work through instances of such discord and arrive at acceptance, but that requires the drive to do so and considerable effort.
Your wife may simply not be motivated. She may never come to peace with what you’re into/the way you like to express it. You must face that possibility and determine how you would like to deal with it—is that a dealbreaker? Is staying with your wife worth forgoing your kink? If it is fact a dealbreaker, don’t be too hard on yourself about it. Sexual incompatibility is what it is—that’s what’s frustrating about it, but it also makes it very difficult to counter. Openness, including the digital kind you have taken upon yourself to adopt, is one way to negotiate that kind of incompatibility, but all parties have to sign off in order for it to work ethically for any sustained period of time.
It seems like you have your mind made up already. You write: “I feel like being able to write and chat about my niche sexual fetish is healthy for me and if it were to stop because she doesn’t like it…I can already feel the resentment settling in.” I don’t think you have to ask yourself if you want to live with that kind of resentment.
Convincing her to be OK with your online activity is further complicated by you surprising her multiple times with your kink/acting on it. It seems clear that she felt betrayed. This is already a sore spot. Any conversations on the subject moving forward you come to with deficit of trust. Time can rebuild that, though it’s hardly certain if it will. I think you either have to prove that you’re really in it for the long haul by not engaging in your kink/bringing it up for a while (a minimum of six months). Or have the hard conversation. If she understands that being denied entirely will make you seriously rethink the relationship, it may put things into perspective for her and she may adjust accordingly. She may also decide this is not the relationship for her. I don’t believe any of this will be easy, but I wish you luck.
From: My Girlfriend Is Taking Away My Bodily Autonomy by Making Me Wear a Condom. (Aug. 03, 2022).
More Sex Advice From Slate
I have an average-sized penis (about 6 inches), but once, when I was around 16 and making out with my girlfriend at the time, she began using the pre-cum to rub the head and frenulum of my penis as it peeked out the top of my jeans. It was ELECTRIC for some reason, and I immediately felt substantial additional growth. I’m estimating at least 2 additional inches of length and a slight increase in girth. It has never happened again, and not for lack of trying with subsequent partners. Any ideas on a) what the hell happened and b) how I can re-create this magical boner?