Help! My New Boyfriend Is Transforming Me Into a More Powerful Version of Myself. Everyone Says It’s a Bad Sign.

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When I met my boyfriend, I was coming off the back of a horrible relationship, in a dead end at work, and feeling awful about myself. He’s been amazing, nothing but supportive, and has encouraged me to try new things, including martial arts, rock climbing, and the gym. I’ve lost a little pudge, put on some muscle, and have never felt more beautiful or powerful. The problem is how a small number of people around me are reacting to this new me.

My brother and father seem put off by my confidence, my mother insisted that I must be being abused because I have new bruises from action sports, and at least two friends have suggested that my boyfriend is grooming me into some idealized Barbie figure. Nothing could be further from the truth; he’s a complete pussycat, so I’m trying to get to grips with these reactions. I know the dynamics of these relationships have changed, and it feels like people who love me are engaged in some kind of power play to return the status quo, but I am unwilling to go back to the way things were. What are my options here? How do I get my loved ones to embrace the new me? It’s all been a bit disappointing.

I’m concerned that not one but two friends and your mother are worried that your boyfriend is abusive. Please take some time to really think about whether they are responding to something that you may not be seeing clearly. Maybe even ask another friend whose opinion you trust for their thoughts.

If it really is true that this is a mini shared delusion among your loved ones, it might be the result of their having seen you in a bad relationship. Maybe they’re on high alert for any signs of mistreatment.

You ask what your options are, and I see two: 1) Shut them down completely. “There’s no basis for what you’re staying and it’s offensive. Please keep any future comments about my relationship to yourself.” Or 2) guide them through a new way of thinking about you and your love life, helping them to understand what has changed since your last breakup, and why you’re no longer attracted to men who would mistreat you. (This is also a conversation you could have with yourself, or with a therapist.) This option is particularly appropriate if you complained or vented to them about your last boyfriend, or if they worried about you a lot and provided you with support. Tell them that you understand their concerns and explain the specific things about your pussycat partner that make you feel safe and cared for. You might also acknowledge to them that it can be unsettling to see someone change and take on another person’s hobbies and lifestyle, but assure them (and also assure yourself—again, in therapy!) that you are maintaining your own identity and are only borrowing the parts of your boyfriend’s life that make you feel great about yourself.

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I’ve been going to therapy for about four months now to address issues I have with setting boundaries with my parents, both of whom have been abusive toward me for the majority of both my juvenile and adult life.

My therapist was really great at first: She was attentive, taught me a lot about family dynamics I didn’t know about/understand, and was generally just a very good person to talk to about things. However, the last few sessions have been very demand-focused, where I feel like she wants me to set out to set hard and fast limits and then report in with how things are unfolding, whereas I feel like I’m in a much better headspace to handle interacting with my parents now with the tools she’s provided. She seems to want me to go no-contact, or to at least have very explicit boundary talks, where I feel like I’ve reshaped my framing around these relationships and the extent to which I let them impact my life. Would it be a mistake for me to stop meeting with her because I think I’m in a good place, or is she just trying to help me?

It could be that you feel you’re in a good place, and your therapist feels you’re not going to be in a good place if you let your guard down and have too much contact and intimacy with your abusive parents. It could be that she’s just trying to help you and that her advice isn’t helpful because it doesn’t feel right to you. It could be that she was a great fit for you in the beginning, and now you need someone different—someone whose approach inspires more confidence and makes you feel empowered rather than bossed around—for the next stage of your relationship with your parents. It could be that she’s absolutely right that more contact with your parents will lead to pain for you, but you would benefit from someone who allows you to reach this conclusion yourself, rather than giving you orders that don’t align with what feels right.

Give it at least two more sessions: one to tell her about your concerns (she can handle this! It’s part of her job) and another to see if she convinces you that she’s right, or adjusts her approach in a way that makes you feel more empowered. Between these two meetings, have consultations with a few other providers. If you happen to find a great connection with a therapist who you feel really gets you and might shift your thinking in a way that could make your life better, don’t hesitate to break up and move on.

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My best friend of 40-plus years has been divorced for over 10 years. I recently found out her ex-husband was married twice before her. This is coming from someone who not only worked the same shift with him, but who I worked with for years in the past. She didn’t tell me this in a “gossipy” way. Just that he’d stated to her he’d never marry again. Those three times were enough. Now I am 100 percent sure my best friend has no idea. As I said, I’ve known them both for many years, and it would have come up. Should I tell her or just let it be since so much time has passed?

Let it be. Not only because a lot of time has passed, but because the relationship has ended. You can’t actually be 100 percent sure your friend has no idea (or that what you heard was true), and the information can’t help her in any way at this point. Ultimately, sharing it (which would, in the situation, be “in a gossipy way”) could cause a rift with her ex, who is also your friend.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for four months. When we started dating, she told me she usually doesn’t go for guys as physically attractive as me, which I found odd. She is very cute but not the hottest girl I’ve dated. Her intelligence, personality, and character are why I’ve fallen for her. Things have been great until the last two weeks, when she started becoming more distant and less affectionate toward me. Last weekend, she went with her single girlfriends to the Caribbean for a brief vacation…