Help! I Overheard My Aunt Saying Unforgivable Things About Me. She Has No Idea.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Over the holidays, my extremely religious aunt told me how much she loves me and gave me a beautiful jumper that she’d knitted and a lovely book of poetry. I was really touched until I overheard her talking to my mother about me.

She was telling her how sad she was that I was going to burn in hell because I’m a lesbian and living in sin with “another whore.” I pretended not to overhear that conversation because a confrontation would have very quickly resulted in my mother’s sister getting kicked in the cooch, but having left that battle unfought, I’m now faced with the painful need to send a thank-you letter for her kind gift. I am genuinely touched, even if I now want to burn it, and having not addressed the situation at the moment, it feels cowardly to bring it up from a distance. Should I just let things lie to maintain the peace? Should I try to make a snarky remark? Or should I confront her comments head-on, knowing it will spark family divisions and solve nothing?

How about approaching her in a way that honors all of your conflicting feelings: the gratitude and also the pain, and your desire to avoid a hostile confrontation?

Write a thank-you note that expresses your sincere appreciation for the beautiful gifts and ends with, “I’ll be sure to wear the jumper now since it will definitely be way too hot when I’m in Hell (according to what I overheard you telling my mom). I was hurt by your remarks, and I’ve enclosed some materials that I hope will lead you to reconsider your stance.” Then print out some literature from one of the many Christian denominations that have adopted queer-affirming positions.

Close out your letter with, “Thanks again for the gift, and I hope you’re doing well.” No one in your family can justify getting mad at you for standing up for yourself in this way. If they do, screw them!

Finally, if your mom sat there and listened to your aunt without defending you, I imagine her tolerance of those awful remarks about you could be even more hurtful than an octogenarian’s bigotry. Don’t be afraid to confront her, too. You mention keeping the peace, but if you’re on the receiving end of hate from your own family, you really don’t have any peace to begin with.

I’m experiencing karma in action, and while I would have expected to feel smug, I don’t. The father of my children left when they were toddlers, and we would go years at a time without hearing from him, a problem exacerbated by alcohol. He occasionally paid small amounts of child support, but was frequently unemployed. Money was very tight and I had to ask my family for help, but both kids are now successfully launched in their early 20s. I recently found out that their father was actually not unemployed…