I Offered to Babysit My Sister-in-Law’s Kids. Then I Saw What She’s Really Up To.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister-in-law “Jane” is the divorced mom of a 7-year-old son, “Derek,” and a 5-year-old daughter, “Talia.” Child care is insanely expensive in our area, and reliable sitters are rare. Because I work from home, I offered to watch Jane’s kids after they get out of school while she’s at work. It seemed like the perfect solution at first.
Within the past few months, however, my SIL has been increasingly late in picking up Derek and Talia. It started as maybe 30 to 45 minutes a few times a week. She blamed it on traffic, having to finish up something at work, etc. Now it’s escalated to her not picking up the kids until close to 9 p.m. on most days of the week. Jane claims she’s got a lot going on at work right now. Recently, I checked out her social media, and the dates and time stamps of pictures she’s posted of herself socializing with friends line up with when she’s supposedly been at her workplace.
I feel thoroughly taken advantage of and furious. My husband says we should “just give Jane a break” since her ex has been so terrible to deal with. But my husband is not the one having to provide most of the care for our niece and nephew, and our 2-year-old son to boot. I am beyond exhausted! Please tell me I can unilaterally tell my lying SIL she’ll have to take her kids elsewhere.
Before you totally cut off your sister-in-law from babysitting your niece and nephew, have an open conversation with her and be clear that although you’re happy to watch the kids until she gets off work, you have to get to your own life and routines afterward. Be clear what time you expect her by. You don’t have to explain your reasoning to her or even do any bargaining.
If you haven’t been clear with her, she could be assuming that you don’t mind. Although she should never have made that kind of assumption in the first place, I’d give her one opportunity to fix it (even if you don’t think she deserves it) for the sake of your relationship with her and between your kids and their cousins. I’d also crowdsource the names and numbers of any babysitters my friends might know and suggest she give them a call once she picks up the kids, if she wants to go back out after work and hang with her friends or co-workers. (The occasional babysitter is probably easier to find than a daily one.)
Of course, if she doesn’t listen and keeps showing up to your place with excuses, then I’d tell her, unfortunately, it’s just not working.
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