My Boyfriend Insists That We Can Only Have a Child a Certain Way. I’m Not Sure I’m on Board.

This is a newsletter bonus question. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a 27-year-old woman, and for a year and a half I’ve been seriously dating “William,” a 35-year-old man with an adorable almost 5-year-old son, “Nicholas,” who lives with him half of the time. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, and William would like more children, so we’re on the same page there, as on pretty much everything else. We have an amazing sex life, long intellectual conversations, similar politics and values, and so on.

William’s first marriage ended because his ex-wife had a horrible vaginal childbirth experience with Nicholas, and never physically or psychologically recovered. After Nicholas’s second birthday, when they still hadn’t had sex again, she told him she would probably never want to, and that he could sleep with other women as long as she didn’t know. William however didn’t feel right “cheating” even with permission, nor having sex with someone he couldn’t commit to. So he asked for a divorce, which he still feels guilty about. We met shortly after this was final. William admits that he still loves his ex-wife, but he loves me as well, and I feel secure that their friendship and co-parenting relationship is no threat to us.

We’ve been talking about marriage and kids, and William is very firm that he does not want to risk losing another marriage to childbirth. Our plan would be to have my eggs extracted as soon as we get officially engaged, and IVF with a surrogate done when we choose in the future. This would be a middle-class American woman, paid more than she’d make in an average job. William can afford this, and if I’m perfectly honest, the loss of physical bonding with my unborn child would be balanced out by avoiding damage to my body (I admit I’m vain) and not having to take a break from horseback riding (which I’m deeply into).

But I can’t shake a feeling that it’s still weird and exploitative in some way, and even more, I fear judgment from others. Particularly since my parents and sister are horrified I’m even considering this, and think I need to insist on “having my own baby,” or else break up. What are your thoughts?

There are many ways to start a family—pregnancy, surrogacy, adoption—and all are good and valid. But are they all good and valid to you? That’s the question you need to answer before you can consider your boyfriend’s ultimatum—which is what it is, by the way.

What do you want? Some future-parents really look forward to being pregnant; some know they never want to be pregnant. How have you thought about it in your life? Was it always important to you to have a genetic link to your child? What if you discovered you didn’t have any viable eggs? Would you use an egg donor? You need to really think about these questions more. and tease out how you feel about them. Obviously your parents and sister think that carrying and birthing a child are essential experiences. They are allowed to have that opinion! But not all people do. The question is: Do you?

Regarding your feelings that surrogacy is “extremely exploitative,” you should definitely read more about surrogacy in the U.S. and how surrogates are compensated. In this country, surrogacy is quite regulated. Perhaps an introductory call with a surrogacy agency would be informative. Once you have all the information, you still might feel uncomfortable with surrogacy. You should definitely not agree to have a baby in a way that you’re uncomfortable with, no matter how great your boyfriend is. If you do decide you don’t want to use a surrogate, adoption would be another way you could grow your family within your boyfriend’s parameters. Is your boyfriend open to that option? Are you?

People will judge you no matter what you do. As a species, it’s a favorite pastime, and parenting decisions really get people going. But it’s your body, and your choice. You get decide how you want to bring a child into the world, or at least try to. If it’s not in a way that your boyfriend is comfortable with, this might not be the right relationship for you.

I had a baby two months ago. About two weeks ago, my husband had to go out of town for a few days, so his mother came to stay with the baby and me. One night I heard the baby crying, and heard my MIL go to him. I thought she was going to bring him to me to nurse so I stayed in bed for a while. When she didn’t bring him, I figured she was just rocking him back to sleep and went to see if she needed anything, like a bottle from the fridge. When I entered the room I saw her holding my son to her breast, letting him suckle. I was (and am) livid. I took my son back to my room and told her she had to leave first thing in the morning. I want to call the police, but my husband thinks that would be taking things too far. We’re at an impasse. Should we call the police?