I Have a Strict Rule for Protecting My Children Against Mean Kids. I’m About to Break It.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

For spring break, my family (myself, my husband, and our children, who are 3 and 6) are going on vacation with my sister’s family (my sister, my brother-in-law, and their children, 2 and 5). My sister’s 5-year-old is a handful. The last time we were together, she was really mean to my 3-year-old—cursing at her, calling her dumb, refusing to share with her, etc.

I really value my relationship with my sister, but I also try hard not to put my kids in situations like that. Our usual policy is that if a family friend’s kids are mean to our kids, we switch to hanging out with those family friends for adults-only dinners/drinks rather than subjecting our kids to their kids. But we arranged this family trip before my sister’s 5-year-old started being mean to my 3-year-old—albeit with some trepidation, since even before that, her kids were challenging to travel with. Also, I do want to see my sister. We live on opposite sides of the country, so these longer vacations are our chance to see each other. How can we prepare for this trip?

It sounds like you’re trying to avoid potentially awkward or difficult conversations with friends and family. And sometimes that path works out just fine! But as you’re learning with your sister, avoidance doesn’t work every time.

Granted, your niece could simply grow out of her bullying behavior. But it could also become a pattern when your kids are together. Which is a bummer for them, makes the time you all spend with your sister’s family a lot more fraught, and could eventually mean that you grow distant or are at least way less motivated to see them. If you don’t try to address what happened, you’re not really giving your sister a chance to understand why it was a problem (although she should already know), let alone take steps to try to correct it.

I hear that you value your relationship with your sister. If you’re close, it should actually be easier to raise something like this, since you’re starting from a foundation of some trust. You’re not trying to attack her or her kid. You just want your families to be able to enjoy their time together. So when you say, “I love you, and it’s really important to me to get to spend as much time as possible with you and your family,” she should believe you. When you continue with something like, “Last time we were all together, my 3-year-old was really hurt by some of the things your 5-year-old said to her, and I just want to make sure that doesn’t keep happening so our kids can also enjoy their time together,” she should understand that it’s coming from a place of genuine love and concern.

You can be very clear that you’re not trying to tell your sister how to parent, or saying anything terrible about her kids. (They’re kids! They are not irredeemable. There’s a ton of time for them to learn and grow.) You’re motivated by concern for your own child and also the importance of these relationships. Because they do matter to you, and to your kids as well.

I can think of a couple of times when I chose to talk with family friends about how their kids treated mine, even though I didn’t want to. One friend’s kid made fun of how my autistic child spoke. Another friend’s kid called her an ableist slur. None of our kids were old enough to try to talk it through or resolve it themselves. When I decided to speak with my friends about it, I figured they would want to parent—that is, talk to their kids and help them to do the right thing. One did, and the other didn’t. But both times, I spoke up in part because the relationship was important to me.

Sometimes, caring about someone and valuing your relationship with them means speaking up about something that’s not great. So, if I were you, I’d probably want to at least try to talk with your sister about your concerns before the trip. But if you really, really don’t want to do that, there is another option: You and your husband can keep your eyes and ears open, and if your niece curses at your toddler or calls her names again, you should feel free to say something. “That’s not kind” or “That really hurt her feelings—can you say you’re sorry?” are examples of mild and totally acceptable responses. These might also succeed in grabbing your sister’s attention if her child’s own behavior hasn’t. You’re her aunt and uncle, after all, not strangers. And you don’t have to just stand by and watch helplessly while another kid bullies your daughter, even if that kid happens to be your niece.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m at my wits’ end as to how to solve a problem my 6-year-old son “Jaden” created with his 2-year-old sister “Olivia.” Jaden likes to build sculptures made from toothpicks and clay. A few weeks ago, he left one on the floor of his room while he went to use the bathroom. He came back to find that Olivia had taken it apart and was very upset. When I vacuumed up the pieces, Olivia became frightened by the noise. Apparently that inspired Jaden to tell his sister that if she got too close she would get sucked inside. Now my daughter gets scared and cries every time I use the vacuum. I’ve tried explaining to her that vacuums can’t suck people up to no avail. Any ideas?

Both my kids were super sensitive to loud noises when they were little. Now I just have a dog who hates it. I often sit on the couch covering her ears while my husband vacuums, and that’s how she gets through it. (She’s so brave.)

If it’s the noise that’s really triggering Olivia’s fear at this point, you can try noise-cancelling headphones—with her favorite music playing?—while you vacuum. Talk with her beforehand so she’s not surprised when the vacuum comes out. Let her go to another room if she wants, and set her up with some sort of calming activity with her headphones on. It might also help her to see the vacuum and get used to it when it’s off. And don’t worry: unlike my dog, she will probably grow out of this before long.

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