Costco Was a Core Part of My Childhood. My Wife Wants to Deny My Kids the Best Part.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I grew up going to Costco with my parents almost every weekend, and my brother and I were pretty much left to do our own thing while our parents shopped. I remember always having the best time: office chair races, sprawling on a massive couch to read books, posting up in front of a huge TV, intercepting my parents to get free samples, bringing random snacks we found to beg them to put them in the cart. These were core childhood memories for me!

Now I’m a parent with kids of my own, and we’ve finally moved to an area with a Costco. I’d like my own kids to have the same experience I had as a kid. They’re 7 and 8, and I think it would be good for them to have some freedom in the warehouse. My wife disagrees. She thinks that it’s really rude to staff and other customers to let our kids “run amok” in the store, and she thinks it was wrong of my parents to let us do it. I don’t see it that way at all. It’s not like our kids are gonna be toppling displays or harassing anyone. I just wonder what you think.

Ah, Costco. Land of the buck-fifty hot dog. Home of the giant mayonnaise jar which, though probably meant for commercial use, is surprisingly easy to get through in a month. I’d be the first to agree with you that this is an ideal proving ground for child independence. First of all, people need a membership to get in. Second, there is a decent amount of security at the exit. This type of controlled environment is ideal for easing the minds of paranoid parents.

Whether or not you let your kids loose on this unsuspecting wholesale warehouse depends on their disposition. If they’re not comfortable navigating spaces on their own or asking adults for help, don’t do it. At the same time, if they are overly precocious and defiant, please do not release the hounds. Remember, other people are there to get the eight things on their shopping list and then 20 to 30 additional items they didn’t plan on. They are not there to interact with your kids. While you and I might find second graders cute, the rest of these people trying to get a handle of tequila in the cart next to their twin-pack of artichoke hearts do not. If other shoppers or staff at Costco end up parenting your kids, you’ve failed.

If you still want to go through with this, try figuring out what your wife is actually fearful of and how you can mitigate it. If she’s worried about the kids annoying customers and staff, the two of you should talk to the kids ahead of time and make sure they understand that, while you’re going to leave them to their own devices, it’s a privilege and it will be taken away if you find out they’ve overplayed their hand. Figure out if she has a problem with Costco in particular or if she’s not ready for public freedom in general. Talk to her about what she’d be comfortable with and make sure she understands why this kind of public freedom is important to you. My suggestion: Ask her how she feels about letting the kids lead the way. Go to Costco and ask them to get an item or two from your list and then come back. Have them take smaller steps towards Costco being an independence outing rather than trying to do it all at once.

All that said, I think you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Your kids will never have the exact same experience you did. They’re unique people with their own experiences. This is part of what makes children fun and interesting to be around. You should absolutely give them some autonomy and freedom, but it isn’t vital that it be done at your local Costco Wholesale warehouse.

Give it a shot and see what happens, but don’t get all mopey if your kids don’t start chatting in the back seat about what wonderful core childhood memories they formed in the frozen food section. They might not even want to explore a Costco on their own. Don’t force it!

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have two girls, “Amber,” 5, and “Emily,” 9. Emily is terrified of spiders, and Amber has recently taken a delight in catching Daddy Longlegs. Unfortunately, Amber has also taken a delight in dropping them on her sister, which sends her into a panic. The last time Amber pulled the spider routine, Emily hit her in the face. This happened while I was out running errands, and I didn’t learn about it until I arrived home when Amber ran up to me in tears and told me.

Not only did my husband not punish Emily for hitting her sister, he said that Amber is now old enough to learn “not to act like an asshole,” so Emily was justified in what she did! I took away Emily’s phone for two weeks and told her if she hit her sister again, her time without it would double. However, I’m now worried that she is going to hit her sister every time she irritates her when I’m not around, since her dad effectively gave her the green light. My husband’s excuse is that he used to bug his older brother when they were kids until one day his brother beat him up and “sometimes you have to learn the hard way.” What am I supposed to do here?

—Hitting Isn’t the Answer

Dear Hitting Isn’t the Answer,

I know your question is about inter-sibling beatdowns, but I’m sorry. I just can’t get over the fact that Emily has a phone and is only 9. What on earth is a 9-year-old doing with a phone? If you’re taking it away as punishment, it is clearly being used for entertainment and not emergencies. Do I sound like a coastal elite even asking this question? Please take the phone and give it back to her in eighth grade—or later!

With that out of my system, let’s get to the answer to your actual question: You are right! It was wrong of Emily to hit Amber. Full stop. Violence isn’t the answer, even between siblings. Remind your husband that if an adult behaved that way, it would be considered assault. Violence is a bad way to teach a lesson and also a bad way to learn a lesson, as it typically begets more violence. Talk to your husband and get him on board with a non-violent ideology. (How is his relationship with his brother now? Does he think it would be better if his older brother had taken a less violent approach?)

If he won’t agree with you, at least get him to agree that you are planning to have a zero-tolerance towards violence in the house and that he should just stay quiet rather than condone it. All that said, I think it’s too early to worry that this one instance of hitting will make Emily think that it’s OK to hit all the time. Explain to Emily that hitting is never OK and won’t be tolerated or condoned.

Lastly, what were the repercussions for Amber? Spiders and daddy longlegs (which are actually a type of arachnids, also known as “harvestmen,” but not spiders) are understandably scary. Spiders have eight eyes! Harvestmen have eyes in their central turret! That’s scary as hell, and Amber knows it and is terrorizing her sister. She needs to understand that this is not OK. She needs to stop doing it because she wouldn’t want it (or something else scary) done to her, not because she is afraid of being punched in the face. Talk to her about why she’s trying to scare Emily. Ask her how she would feel and do the rest of the rigamarole you should already be doing as a parent to develop an empathetic and kind member of society.

More Parenting Advice From Slate

p until two weeks ago, my husband “Jeff” (39) was a model family man and father to “Jenny” (8) and “Kyle” (6). About the only problem in our marriage was his insomnia, and while it was difficult to deal with him getting up 5-6 times a night, every night, it was hardly his fault. Still, after over a decade of trying to treat the insomnia with nothing working except for drugs that had side effects worse than the insomnia itself, we eventually decided on adding a bedroom annex to the home office, and Jeff sleeping there instead of with me. Ever since then, he’s been half-assing as a father.