My Son Was Being Disgusting Online. My Solution Has Had Unintended Consequences.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 14-year-old son, “Tim.” About a month ago, I caught Tim on making lewd and disgusting posts in an online forum. Both as punishment and for his own online safety, I cut all internet connection from the house except for my own personal computer. If he needs to go online, he goes through me, under my supervision. He complained, of course. One of the arguments he made was that a lot of his school assignments are submitted online. I assumed he was just bullshitting to get back to his perversion, so I shut that down. Since then, I’ve gotten numerous calls from his teachers concerned about his grades slipping and him not turning in assignments. I told them about the situation, and that really, this is my son’s problem to figure out and their job to facilitate him handing in his homework, but they tend to range from unsympathetic at best to outright hostile at worst. I really don’t think Tim is ready for the internet, but I don’t know how to have him function given his entire life seems to be wired in. It wasn’t like this when I was growing up.

I strongly disagree that it’s your son’s teachers’ “job” to facilitate him handing in his homework. They have done that by setting-up an online portal for students to submit their assignments! And yeah, your son is 14, and doing the homework and handing in the homework is his responsibility. But his teachers are calling you because he’s stopped doing this, and they’re concerned about him. It’s a good thing that they’re reaching out you. They’re giving you an opportunity to parent him through this moment. Take it!

Talk to him about what’s up with his homework. Ask for a fuller understanding of why not having internet on his own devices has kept him from doing his homework. Figure out what’s going on and then brainstorm solutions with him. Could he do his homework at the library? Could he use your computer during a designated time each day? Could he do his homework on his own computer, and then you could briefly allow access to the internet for him to submit it? My guess is that he needs more computer time to do his homework, and that you’re either going to have to let him use your computer for extended periods or give him internet access again. Either way, you should really look into parental controls and restricting his access to certain sites. (Here’s a good guide on your options.)

You should also talk to him more about his forum posts you found and why they upset you so much. If you don’t think he’s “ready for the internet,” think about what you want him to know in order to be ready, and teach him that. You only have him for a few more years, and then the world—and the internet—is his oyster. If you want him to be a responsible citizen of both, teach him to be.

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We have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and really fun. She does, however, like to sneak snacks. She is given a snack, like apple slices and peanut butter, after school and is allowed to watch TV for a little while. My husband and I are home all the time, but for us to notice that she’s grabbing a sleeve of cookies or extra granola bars, we would have to be in the kitchen, and we’re not always there. We’ve tried talking to her and grounding her; nothing works.