My Friends Keep Telling Me All About Their Wild Sex Lives. If Only They Knew What I Was Really Thinking.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’ve been in a committed relationship for many years, and many of my friends are single and hooking up. I hear about their romps often and in great detail. It’s all very fun, and my group of friends has been like this since before I was in a monogamous relationship myself.
The problem is I find myself missing that excitement of meeting someone for the first time and feeling desired by strangers—I’m happy for them and also super super jealous that they get to do these things and have fun while I only get to hear about it. My sex life is good, if average, and I have no plans to leave them behind for the wide world of sex with strangers. But I can’t help but feel this tinge of sadness when I hear everyone else talking about this part of their life. How do I reconcile the two? Is sex jealousy a thing?
“Sex jealousy” is a phrase people sometimes use to describe the same frustration you’re writing about here, yes. We could also call this phenomenon fornication FOMO, but the specific detail of sexuality is a distraction to some extent. You’re looking at what other people are doing, focusing on the benefits you perceive they’re getting, and comparing those to either the reality of your life or a summary of what you have that is somewhat biased toward focusing on the downsides. Let’s start separating out the threads.
Your sex life is good but average. Can you turn your energy toward increasing your connection with your partner, whether that’s introducing variation back into your sexual relationship or deepening emotional intimacy? Are there areas of your life outside of sexuality where you could meet your desire for excitement, novelty, anticipation, or fun, like a hobby? Is there something about missing feelings of desire from strangers that points to a disconnect in your relationship, or a lack of deserved recognition at work, that you can work to shift? Get some more detail on what it is that you’re wishing you had, and look for ways to fulfill those yearnings within the boundaries of your commitments.
Another tactic worth trying is to actively ruminate on the positive aspects of your lifestyle, and dredge up the less enjoyable parts of your memories from when you were swimming in the roiling sea of the dating scene. The idea here is to force some context back into the way you’re thinking about this. This might look like making a pair of exhaustive lists, or setting an intention to notice and dwell on every single tiny thing you appreciate in your relationship for a day, as those details come up. Then, the next time you’re out with these friends, pay close attention to the frustrations and inconveniences they mention.
Lastly, tinges of sadness are part of life. Little disappointments. Different paths that we occasionally wonder about. Desires to have our cake and eat it, too. Sometimes it helps to share these tensions with our friends or partners. Other times, simply reminding ourselves of the impossibility of having absolutely everything all at once is enough.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I will be attending a sex party for the first time next month. Any advice on what to expect? Is there any particular form of etiquette that applies? Do we need to bring something like a bottle of wine, like when going over to a friend’s for dinner?
Your best move is to ask the person who invited you about what you can expect from this particular group. In the same way that general etiquette varies across cultural groups and social strata, each small sex party community will have its own norms. Any regular attendees will be able to give you a general idea of how the gathering usually goes, which can give you a sense of what to expect—though you’ll do well to remember that surprises are always possible. Unpredictability is often part of the appeal of sex parties.
Unless you were told to bring something specific, you only have to worry about yourselves and your own personal items. Show up clean and nicely groomed, in undergarments you are both comfortable and confident in. Do bring a few condoms. If you use lubricant, any erectile support devices, or usually carry an inhaler or any other kind of as-needed medication, make sure you pack that. If there’s anything else that’ll help you feel prepared, feel free, but limit your luggage to a medium-sized handbag or a city backpack.
You do not need to bring any kind of hosting gift, but it can be a nice touch when executed well. If you know the host, use the same standards of judgment you would for a dinner. If you don’t, and are unable to gather information on their tastes, I’d skip it. Opinions vary on whether intoxicants have any place in sexually complex situations such as group sex or BDSM, so wine may be more divisive in the context of a sex party than at a dinner.
Sexual health has an etiquette aspect, as well. Some groups will discreetly circulate the news if anyone tests positive for a sexually transmissible infection after the party, but you can’t rely on this, as people are sometimes too embarrassed to speak up. You are responsible for your own screenings. Know that testing the day after an encounter is essentially worthless because of window periods (the time between exposure and when a test can accurately detect infection). Ideally, you’re able to inform your main doctor or gynecologist that you’re sexually active outside your marriage, during your next routine appointment, and follow their guidance from there as to what to test for at which intervals.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’ve been having partnered sex for a handful of months now, and while it’s been great, I keep running into a problem: I am incredibly ticklish. It doesn’t come up much when I’m on the giving end, but when I’m on the receiving end, it’s difficult to avoid. I’d love for my ass, thighs, waist, etc. to be touched erotically, but when it happens, the tickly feeling often eclipses the sexiness (and for me, being tickled doesn’t feel at all sexy). If anyone touches me just a little too lightly anywhere on my body, same deal. How can I enjoy being on the receiving end without dealing with this? Is it just a matter of desensitizing myself?
Dr. Emily Grossman has a video from about a decade ago about how to stop being ticklish, where she suggests you place your hand on top of the other person’s hand. It should also be simple to tell your partner(s) that you prefer a firmer touch. The skill of communicating a desire for more or less of something, or for it to be harder, faster, slower, or softer, will serve you well in every sexual interaction. This is usually most effective when you initially ground the person in an understanding that you are ticklish and prefer more firm touch, followed by prompts to be firmer when they forget.
The earlier in a sexual relationship you can set the framework of what you prefer, the better, as we’re usually primed to learn new habits when we’re first getting to know someone and often find it harder to change a routine as a relationship progresses. Additionally, people sometimes do become generally desensitized to tickling—i.e., “growing out of it”—or become desensitized to tickling from a particular person.
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