I Had a Threesome With My Friend and Their Spouse. Then Things Started Getting Really Weird.

Each month, How to Do It columnists Jessica Stoya and Rich Juzwiak ask readers for their thoughts on the letters they’ve received. In this edition, Rich replies to readers’ comments and suggestions below.

Hey How to Do It,

Re Hall Pass: Your advice was all spot on. I went through a similar situation. I actually went through with it, though, and we were not honest ahead of time. My friend’s spouse was not aware and, as far as I know, is still unaware that their spouse and I had already been sleeping together before our threesome. We actually had a great time and would all three hang out as friends after the tryst (and had more), but it eventually ate away at me as they tried to involve me in really nice family things. My friend still wanted to sleep together without their spouse, so I felt horrible about now deceiving a friend instead of just my friend’s spouse. I dipped out. I made vague excuses and then ghosted. I miss both of them, so I do wish it hadn’t turned out that way. The good news is that I haven’t messed with a married person without their spouse’s consent in over 10 years because of that.

It basically can’t end well for everyone unless the husband is somehow OK with all of this after being told the truth. It will start to bug the letter writer, and she’ll either have to step way back or she will have to fess up. If she wants to keep her friendship, they just need to stop hooking up completely, but I don’t think it’s that easy, or they would have done that already. I think honesty is the best policy since neither can take a step back, and they both seem to want to continue.

Plus, the ethical thing to do would be for her friend to tell Husband regardless of their intentions. I think it’s insulting not to give people we love all of the information so they can make their own decisions.

—You’re Both My Favorites!

Glad you agree, and allow me to give back: I agree with your life choices. You did the right thing, I say and my voice bounces off the walls of our echo chamber. At least it’s cozy in here.

I’ve never experienced this scenario verbatim, but a few times I’ve seen something adjacent pop up: I vibe with one member of the couple way more than the other. I dip then, too. I’m not trying to break up even an unhappy home. That’s their shit to sort out.

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Hey How to Do It,

Re Rather Be Sleeping: I just had to write in—this is almost exactly my situation. My wife describes sex now as “mildly pleasant at times, but could live without it.”  However, we still have sex two to three times a month because she loves me (like the letter writer) and knows it makes me happy. In turn, I think it makes me love her even more (if that is possible) knowing that she cares that much.

—Satisfied in the Peach State

Well, how lovely. I hope this arrangement also includes regular check-ins to ensure that she is still on board. But yes, doing sexually generous things for your partner can facilitate a lot of goodwill, and that is essential for a healthy relationship. I’m glad it’s working for you.

Hey How to Do It,

Re Turkey Neck: There is a perfectly plausible reading of this man’s attention to the marks of aging on a woman, which not only do not preclude his attraction to the letter writer, but affirm it!

From the letter writer’s description, he pointed out physical characteristics of an older woman, but didn’t use any pejorative words like “unattractive” per se. What if he notices all of these things about women and actively likes them? He might prefer an older woman, but after being called out on listing the differences between a 40-year-old and a 20-year-old, thought better of saying, “Don’t worry, honey, I love your crows’ feet and turkey neck!” So he backtracked instead of confirming for her the things she feels insecure about, even if her age is a plus for him. The best-case scenario doesn’t have to be that “he doesn’t mind” her signs of aging.

Definitely plausible—similar to the way some people fetishize love handles, which are considered unattractive to others. And now I feel a bit more justified in my stance, as this is yet another reading in favor of giving the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Hey How to Do It,

I want to suggest a resource you might like to recommend to others. I recently read Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers, because Emily Nagoski has cited it frequently.

I loved the book and found it wise, encouraging, and useful in many ways. Specifically, though, I keep wanting to recommend it to folks who write in to you about changes that are happening to their bodies and sexuality as they age. While the book isn’t specific to older adults, they did end up being a population the researchers talked to extensively. The researchers have advice about what couples can do to create an extraordinary sexual connection that is resilient and adaptive, particularly as our bodies don’t respond like they used to. They also highlight that magnificent lovers prioritize sex and have it as a shared interest—they talk about it, seek to learn about it, experiment, assume that change will be necessary (and view that change as a challenge and opportunity to tackle together), and set aside time for it.

Great suggestion. I haven’t read this one, but I’m going to get on it. There are frustratingly few resources out there regarding the sexuality of older adults, and more reading material/ideas for the many people whose long-term partnerships have taken a sexual downturn are always welcome. At this point, my fingers are probably reflexively air-typing Mating in Captivity in my sleep.

Hey How to Do It,

Re Not After Where It’s Been: One option that might work is to have her husband wear a condom when having vaginal intercourse that he takes off before going back for oral. If it’s just the vaginal juices that bother her, a condom helps keep his penis clean for oral. Obviously, it’s a bit cumbersome, so it wouldn’t be an every-time thing, but could be a great workaround for a kink indulgence.

That’s a good idea, if the juices are indeed what’s turning her stomach. Condoms get a bum wrap (see what I did there?), but here they would be particularly useful. I hope she sees this!

More Advice From Slate

I’m an asexual, panromantic woman. I don’t ever want to be touched sexually, and I even sometimes struggle with nonsexual touching for reasons I’d rather not get into. But I still would like the intimacy that comes from sex, and I’m happy to provide sexual stimulation to my partners. What I struggle with is how to communicate this to them.