My Wife Is Encouraging Me to See Another Woman. But I Think I’m Looking for a Unicorn.
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Dear How to Do It,
As a result of multiple disabilities, my wife may never be able to have sex with me again, or at least not for a long time. She always had a low libido, but recent developments have made sex actively difficult and unpleasant for her. I love my wife and do not wish to divorce her, but this presents a problem for me, because I have a very active libido.
We have considered and attempted polyamory, but I have a very demanding job and also provide significant care for her—I simply do not have the time or energy to cultivate a new romantic relationship while providing my wife with the attention and care she deserves.
She and I have discussed the idea of me seeing a professional, and we are both on board (frankly, it seems the idea excites her a bit, though she does not want to participate). I am open to this and have been doing some research about how to find a provider. What I’d really like is to develop a “relationship” with a provider—not like a romantic relationship, but like a doctor/patient type relationship, where I have a single person I go to regularly for “the usual” so I don’t have to vet strangers repeatedly. I wouldn’t expect to have any kind of non-professional relationship with this person, but it would be nice to have a regular sex worker in the same way as having a regular barber, dentist, or some other person who provides professional services in exchange for money. Is this… a thing? What’s the best way to find someone like this? Is there a term for what I want?
—Looking for Something Stable
Dear Looking for Something Stable,
As you wrote, barbers, dentists, and many other professional workers tend to have an appreciation for regulars (presuming, of course, adherence to standard hygiene practices and codes of behavior). In my increasingly historical experience, strip club dancers, dominatrixes, porn performers, and content creators are also happy to have repeat customers who want “the usual.” I like being thorough, though, so I reached out to adult film star Connie Perignon for specific and current insight.
Over text message, she described the reasons providers might enjoy regular clients, saying, “I think we all appreciate regular clients because having a reliable source of income helps alleviate some financial stress, especially in this post-SESTA/FOSTA economy. Aside from that, I personally appreciate having regulars because I enjoy nurturing deeper relationships with clients. We can laugh and cry and joke. They remember stories I’ve told them or my favorite foods, and I ask about how their new job is going or if they enjoyed their recent trip to Japan. It just feels natural.”
According to Perignon, there’s no specific keyword to look for or a formal negotiation of regular status to start. “I think it just comes with consistency and reliability,” she wrote. “How you treat me when we’re together. You can be a repeat client but not necessarily a ‘regular,’ if that makes sense. People I consider my real regulars are considerate, reliable, and respectful. They’re also mostly people I genuinely enjoy spending time with.” So similarly to the examples you listed, these dynamics develop over time.
As for the general etiquette that is likely to set you up for the kind of relationship you’re hoping to develop, Perignon had some advice:
Understand that while you may enjoy each other’s company, there are still boundaries about how to engage. She is still doing her job. Just because you like spending time with her doesn’t mean you should expect free time (read: labor), discounts, or boundary pushing. What she chooses to allow is of her own choice; don’t go into any situation assuming she’s going to allow you to do something if you haven’t asked. Also, when you do ask, and she says no, please respect her choice and leave it at that.
Understand that while you may enjoy each other’s company, there are still boundaries about how to engage. She is still doing her job. Just because you like spending time with her doesn’t mean you should expect free time (read: labor), discounts, or boundary pushing. What she chooses to allow is of her own choice; don’t go into any situation assuming she’s going to allow you to do something if you haven’t asked. Also, when you do ask, and she says no, please respect her choice and leave it at that.
Treat your provider with the same professional respect you show toward your doctors, barber, and dentist—show up to appointments clean, adhere to cancellation policies, and minimize schedule changes—and you’re likely to find the dynamic you want.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband has requested that I engage in phone sex with him while he’s at work. I think this is a terrible idea, as I am concerned he will get fired if someone catches him. He keeps pestering me to do it and has accused me of kink-shaming him. Please say my reasons for refusing are legit!
—No Messing Around on the Phone
Dear No Messing Around on the Phone,
Your concerns are reasonable, your “no” is valid regardless of whether you have reasons other than “I don’t want to” or not, and neither refusing nor expressing worries about the legal, ethical, and employment-related consequences of a behavior qualifies as kink shaming.
Before we dig into potential ways forward, think about whether this is an isolated situation or your husband has a history of pestering or pushing when you say no to something (sexual or otherwise), responding with dismissal when you raise reasonable concerns about a plan (again, sexual or otherwise), or other poor behavior on occasions when he doesn’t get his way. If that’s the case, ask yourself whether you want to stay in the marriage. If his behavior here is out of character, and your relationship is otherwise respectful and healthy, leave some room for the way that sexual desires—especially strong kinks that a person might feel ashamed about, which could be the case here—can throw people for a loop. This doesn’t excuse attempts at coercion, in any way, but that understanding might help you and your husband work through the issue.
Combine everything you know about how your husband tackles disagreements, how he generally feels about sexuality, and the way he pitched this particular fantasy to figure out how you’re going to broach the subject. Depending on all those variables, this might look like, “This is really out of character for you, and I want to understand why you’re behaving this way.” Another approach might be, “I’m describing logistical concerns, and you’re feeling shame—I’d like to get to the bottom of where our communication is misfiring.” Another method, albeit more risky, is to voice your suspicion about what is motivating his behavior.
Once you’re past the litigation of whether your concerns are valid, and are communicating openly together, there’s a very good chance that the two of you can consider where his desires and your boundaries overlap and find some way forward. That’s going to require some detailed and good-faith discussion of both sets of criteria, which means addressing the pestering and communication difficulties first.
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Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I (male) are interested in thrusting toys, but nothing too big that can’t be hidden in a drawer. Do you have any suggestions?
How big is the drawer, and who are you concerned with hiding the toy from? Those answers alone will narrow your range of possibilities, and then you’ll need to consider whether you have preferences for texture, dimensions, and aesthetics. The amount of power and number of speed options you’re looking for is also relevant.
If you want a handheld product, and you’re working with something like an Ikea Malm dresser, the bigger issues are preferences around the details of the toy. If you have people in your home who might open that drawer and stumble upon the object, there are purpose-made options, but any opaque container that isn’t emblazoned with clues as to what is inside will likely suffice to keep it out of the wrong hands. As for specific devices, this treasure trove of hands-on reviews by Felicity at Phallophile Reviews has a thorough rundown of options.
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