My Wife Swears I Did Something “Terrible” on Valentine’s Day. I Think I’m the One Who’s Owed an Apology.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife was down with the flu on Valentine’s Day.
So I satisfied my sexual urges with a Fleshlight. Now she’s furious, claiming that my actions were “insulting” considering the day it was (for the record, I did get her a giant bouquet of flowers and her favorite chocolates). She’s never had any issues with my use of masturbation aides prior, so how was I to know she would object? If the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t have cared if she had gone to town with a dildo or vibrator. Doesn’t she owe me an apology for chewing me out?
—Not a Mind Reader
Dear Not a Mind Reader,
I’m a pragmatist, so I’m inclined to take your side. You were horny, your wife was indisposed, you did what you had to do. But let’s keep things practical, OK?
She didn’t necessarily expect you to read her mind; she informed you that what you did affected her emotionally. Maybe she implied or outright said that you never should have done it, but the main thrust of her feedback was to let you know that you upset her, not that you aren’t psychic enough or should build a time machine so you can dissuade your past self from reaching for the Fleshlight on that greeting-card holiday. Her words may have been inelegant and unfair even, but it bothered her. It’s worth probing that to understand why and what could be done in the future to avoid upsetting her on this matter. Was it the Fleshlight that bothered her, or that you were masturbating, period? Were you flagrant about it, and could that aspect have irked her? Did she want you to hang out with her and watch movies in bed while you were giving it to your silicone/plastic cumdump?
It doesn’t matter how you would have acted in a hypothetical situation where tables were turned; what matters is how she actually felt. Does she owe you an apology? Maybe if she insulted you or created some outsized display for her fury (“I HATE YOU AND YOUR PLASTIC CUMDUMP” spelled out in skywriting).
But barring some outrageous emotional pyrotechnics on her part, I think you should go easy here. Demanding an apology out of principle is … well, not very practical. It threatens to drag out this row, and it casts you as a victim. Your wife got pissed off at you. That’s not some great tragedy. Tending to her feelings, really trying to understand where she’s coming from, and mapping a plan so that this kind of blow-up over you jerking off doesn’t happen again is way more likely to yield harmony than you coaxing an, “I’m sorry,” out of her. If she offers it of her own, accept it as a nice bonus.
More Advice From Slate
I am a 38-year-old cis female. Beginning in 2018, I started going for regular massages (every 6-8 weeks) at a nearby massage franchise location, where I am a member. For most of that time, I would try to stick with an LMT I liked, but distance and scheduling made it hard. Then about 18 months ago, I switched to a location near my work since it was easier to find available appointments during lunch breaks. A few months after joining that location, I took an available appointment with a male LMT…