I’ve Only Ever Slept With Women. Then My Gym Trainer Changed Everything.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m 29, and I’ve known I was a lesbian pretty much my whole life. I properly came out at 17. I’ve always found the idea of men neutral at best, more like indifference than anything repulsive, and definitely not something I ever sought out or fantasized about.

Six months ago, I linked up with a personal trainer at my gym to help me train for a half-marathon. He’s a couple of years older and, obviously, in fantastic shape. I noticed he was objectively hot, but it didn’t register as desire, more like acknowledging a nice painting. He’s charming, funny, and there was good banter between us, just normal things that made me start looking forward to our sessions as we grew friendlier and closer. I also found myself starting to appreciate his body and looks more, though I told myself it was just because I was spending longer at the gym and appreciating that sort of effort more now.

Our dynamic kept intensifying until one evening, when, after a session, there was definitely some tension in the air between us. There were a lot of casual little “accidental” touches and brushes from both of us. He could definitely feel it too, because after we finished, he gave me this look and asked if I wanted to go back to his place to “unwind.” Of course, I knew what he meant, and in the spur of the moment, I agreed. We went back to his and ended up hooking up, and, honestly, the sex was incredible. He’s big, strong, has incredible stamina, is attentive to exactly what I like, doesn’t shy away from dirty talk, which I love hearing while he’s inside me, and I never knew how much of a thrill I’d get from how easy it is for him to manhandle my body. It turned into something we’ve been doing a couple of times a week since then, whether at his place, my place, or sometimes we don’t even make it back and just end up doing it in his car after training.

But I’m still pretty confused. I still don’t find other men attractive. I tried swiping through guys on some dating apps and couldn’t find a single one that caught my attention. Yet with him, the chemistry is off the charts, and I can’t stop wanting him. Am I actually bisexual? Is he just an exception to my lesbianism, and I’m addicted to fantastic sex with someone who happens to be a guy?

When we are together, I’m also a bit at a loss for how to get more involved and what guys tend to like. Being with a man is new ground for me since I’ve been exclusive to women, and I’ve just been letting him take the reins. We both clearly enjoy that, but I’ve been wondering about mixing things up and trying to be more seductive and initiating more. Any recommendations for this lifelong lesbian on pleasuring a man like that would also be appreciated!

As much as you’re able to, focus on enjoying what you’re engaged in right now over searching for a word to describe what this means for your sexual identity. Partially, this comes from a philosophy that sex should be fun, and partially because the more you’re doing things, the more information you’re gaining, and that information can help you understand what language best describes your interests. You could have a taste for power imbalance that supersedes your orientation, he might have some kind of mannerism that is rare in men but common in women and appealing enough to cancel out his gender, and this absolutely could be an exception that will never occur again. The possibilities are endless. Sexuality is multifaceted, complex, and our tastes tend to shift with time, age, and experience—sometimes in ways that have implications for how we conceive of ourselves.

I’m assuming that your trainer has a penis. Much like vaginas and vulvas, every person is going to be different, and your communication skills will be useful. But some general rules of thumb can help. We all start with the same building blocks in gestation, which then head toward becoming penises or vulvas and vaginas at around nine weeks. Take a look at this diagram for a sense of how the parts of penises correlate to the vicinities of vulvas. The same things that work best for most people on the clitoral glans do tend to work best for most people on the head of the penis. Squeezing the shaft of a penis is likely to have the same types of effects as vaginal pressure during fingering. If you can wrap your mind around the architectural differences, most of your knowledge of how to give genital pleasure will transfer surprisingly easily. An example would be starting oral sex by using your tongue on his frenulum, similarly to how you would tease a clitoris, and then looking for the same physical and vocal feedback that lets you know whether you should keep going at the same pressure and pace or reduce or increase the sensation.

There also might be room in your dynamic to tell your trainer that you want to develop more confidence, and several ways in which that could become a fun sex game. If part of his appeal is the teacher-student relationship, the two of you might have a bucket of fun with the idea of him instructing you on the details of men or his own specific body. If that’s an absolute “no” for you, or you also want some independent homework, there are plenty of instructional videos out there that show explicit sexual interactions and provide running commentary about the whys and hows. Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Fellatio is one classic example. Nina Hartley’s Guide to Better Fellatio is part of the 1990s series that defined the genre of explicit educational media. And Sex School covers fellatio in their guide to oral sex.

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Dear How to Do It,

I think I found the one. We’ve been together for nine months, sparks still fly even after the honeymoon phase, and I want him to propose to me (I’m a woman in my 20s). Here’s the problem: He likes a big bush. Past lovers didn’t. I got laser removal around the bikini area about two years ago. Some of it is growing back a little, but I’d like more. Is there a way to help recover hair down there?

—Trying for More Shrubbery

Dear Trying for More Shrubbery,

Well, you’re not alone—Dazed covered the wave of women wanting their bush back a couple of years ago. In the same way that laser is very effective for some people (meaning after a few treatments, the hair never returns) and is completely ineffective for others, regrowing hair anywhere on the body is an extremely “your mileage may vary” scenario. Most of what science knows about stimulating hair growth is focused on the scalp, then eyelashes and eyebrows, and less so on pubic hair. Furthermore, most of that knowledge is focused on supporting the regrowth of hair lost unintentionally, not follicles that were purposefully destroyed.

Various articles and forums online are full of advice for supplements, topical applications, and other tactics to regrow hair—largely focused on the head and face, but some specifically for pubic hair. Be extremely skeptical. Supplements have to be evaluated for potential risks, including interactions with any medication you already take. Because of the way that topical ointments migrate, applying any kind of oil to your bikini area can absolutely result in that oil touching your vulvar tissue (which is extremely delicate, sensitive, and prone to absorption). Most of these suggestions don’t often work well, regardless. I would also stay away from eyelash and brow serums—known side effects from intended use, like dryness, skin color changes, fat loss, and itching, suggest that it’s not worth experimenting with on your genitals.

Hair transplants are possible. They’re significantly more invasive than the initial laser treatment you had, may not turn out looking like your original pubic hair, and are still subject to variations in success. If you go that route, use all the common sense you would use with any surgery (because it is an actual surgery). Think long and hard, though—you’ve been with this man for less than a year, you don’t say whether your depleted pubes are a dealbreaker for him, and if they are, that’s a whole other topic to discuss. Merkins—wigs for your pubic area—might also be worth looking into.

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Dear How to Do It,

My husband keeps masturbating to gay porn before we get in bed, but he insists he’s not gay.  Do I need to press him for an honest conversation?

—Have Something to Confess?

Dear Something to Confess,

Advice columns are an inherently performative pursuit—you’re writing in knowing that this will be answered in a public forum. I’m crafting my responses knowing that they will be published in that public forum. Sometimes, having an audience leads us to prioritize witticisms or be more attached to an easy narrative than we would otherwise. So, I’m aware that you may have condensed the situation and your telling of it for the purpose of being punchy and compelling. The story you’ve told here, though, contains implications that a crime has been committed and a secret purposefully withheld. Your sign-off conjures imagery of interrogation sessions and Catholic priests. Take a breath and consider whether your spouse might be receiving the same vibes I’m getting—and how those vibes might be impeding a nuanced and open discussion between the two of you.

There are a myriad of ways that your husband might describe his sexual identity, and a whole separate stack of reasons why he might be watching gay porn. You’re married to each other, and you, your husband, and the marriage itself all deserve the chance to air the details, including the complicated and confusing parts. Your husband, and yourself, were almost certainly exposed to a lot of messages that omit the existence of bisexuality or frame behaviors other than having sex with people of the same gender as signaling homosexuality—essentially positing that you can be either straight or gay, and that straight men don’t let their buttholes be touched, appreciate the bodies of other men even in non-erotic contexts, use soap made for faces, or (seriously) wear pink. That can make it difficult for men to speak about the realities of their desires, or even to understand them well enough to have some kind of firm idea that they’re actively withholding.

The idea of a person being gay, like so many concepts, can be rigidly defined for a given person and exceptionally variable from individual to individual. What defines gayness to you? And why are you concerned with whether your partner might fit that definition? Are you opposed to people being gay, on moral, religious, or political grounds? If that’s the case, make your choices accordingly and let your partner know that you’re opposed to homosexuality in that way so he can make his own decisions.

Are you having one or more fears, such as that he might desire a different kind of body and cheat on you or leave you because you don’t have it? Start the conversation from the fact of that insecurity and ask him to help you understand what he gets out of watching gay porn. Also discuss the amount of attraction he has to you and the level of commitment he has to your marriage. Once you’re really sharing, you’ll have more information to work with.

Is your husband prone to working up to big discussions by leaving really obvious clues while maintaining that your assumption is off-base for extended periods of time, and that history is leading you to assume that he’s completely homosexual and can’t say it outright? Let him know that you’re seeing a repeat of that pattern and you expect him to find a way to communicate effectively. Insist on couples counseling, and strongly suggest individual therapy for him, because that is not a functional way for a relationship to thrive.

And, you know, if you’ve got the patience for it, you can also wait it out—perhaps with enough time and a break from confrontations, he’ll volunteer the answers you’re looking for.

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