I Supported My Wife In Doing Something Drastic to Her Beautiful Breasts. I’m Starting to See I Was Wrong.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do it,

I am obsessed with large breasts and my wife had an incredibly sexy body with very big tits which always turned me on and kept our sex life spicy. But after 40+ years of marriage, because of the constant ogling and unwanted advances from strangers and the general physical discomfort, she opted for reduction surgery. I was very sad about that but I supported her decision. Now I regret doing that.

Because of her physical change, my erections are not nearly as hard as they once were. I have nude photos of her in her “full glory” which I often look at before we have sex in order to try to get a full erection, but it’s obviously not the same.

I’m not into cheating but I was wondering is there anything else I can do to keep the erection going?

You supported your wife’s decision to get a breast reduction, which means that you tacitly signed up to continue supporting this decision. It wasn’t just an operation; it was permanent body modification. Granted, your desires and tastes are valid. Responses to less than ideal stimulation can present in our bodies (in this case, your meh-rections). That grounds an otherwise ephemeral notion like personal preference in biological reality. But as a key (if not the key) player in your wife’s support system, specifically around her surgery, it’s your duty to push through and find a way to make this work. This is the subtext of your question, and that you are writing in bodes well for your ability to continue to show up for your wife.

Though you’ve observed what appears to be a causal response to your wife’s smaller breasts, keep in mind that at your age (which I’m assuming is at least 60, as you’ve been married for 40+ years), erection quality tends to take an appreciable dip. Put the causality on the back burner for a second and approach this from a correlative perspective. Treat your ED as ED without pointing fingers (or dicks, obviously, as pointing isn’t its strong suit at the moment). Ask your doctor about trying a PDE5 inhibitor like sildenafil (Viagra) or tadalafil (Cialis). The increased blood flow may be what you need to get fully hard. If you’d prefer a non-medical intervention, try a cock ring (just be careful not to keep it on for too long—it’s generally advised to take it off after 30 minutes, 60 minutes being the absolute maximum).

That’s the easy part and it would be great if the solution were as simple as popping a pill or slipping on a band. But something tells me it might not be. The psychological aspect of this may be much more difficult to overcome. You can be frank about your erectile difficulties with your wife, but I think you should remain explicitly resolute in your support of her (“I don’t regret supporting your decision and I’m glad it’s one that has improved your quality of life,” is probably a good vibe for such a talk). Maybe there are ways to work large breasts into your sex life with your wife—things like openly fantasizing about them during sex, watching porn together that features big tits, and roleplay. This should be subject to her comfort level. Focusing on her past body could very well make her feel bad, so don’t push it, but if she’s game for any of the above, great. There are silicone chestplates that drag queens wear that are made to appear realistic. Could wearing one interest your wife and would that be sufficient stimulation for you? Worth thinking about/discussing.

Ideally you’d be able to detach from prizing your wife’s features above the connection that sex can facilitate. Could you focus on making her feel good or on the fact that you get to make each other feel good rather than on the absence of the superficial thrills her former breasts provided? It is worth trying to rewire your sexual priorities. This could come via practice that will certainly require mindfulness (that is, you stay focused on your effort to regard sex as primarily a pleasure exchange and not a visual feast), but therapy to help you get into the mindset and keep you there could also be useful. Consider seeking the help of a sex therapist or coach for your efforts.

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