My Cheapskate Mother-in-Law Is Imposing Her Disgusting Habit on My Home. I’m Losing It.

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My mother-in-law, “Lynn,” is the cheapest person I’ve ever met. Recently, however, she’s developed a disgusting habit that she thinks will save money: She will use a toilet multiple times (thankfully only piss is involved) before flushing. It’s bad enough that Lynn does it at her place, but now she’s doing it at our house. Even worse, she’s now encouraging my 5-year-old son to do it as well! My husband says just to “humor her” and be mindful to check the toilets in our home when his parents visit and flush them as needed. Please say I have a right to insist that people who use my bathrooms flush after taking a leak!

I would join you in being horrified by this, but I grew up in California, where there was a drought in the late 1980s and early ‘90s and my elementary school classmates and I were taught the water-conservation mantra “If it’s yellow, let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.” I also remember a special lesson on how to brush your teeth using only an ice cube (run the toothbrush over it to wet it and then pop the entire thing in your mouth to rinse). To this day, I feel like I’m committing at least a misdemeanor if I let the shower run at all before I get in (back then we were even supposed to turn it off while applying shampoo and soap!), and I look askance at big green front lawns that I know must have required a lot of sprinkler use to maintain. Having written that makes me feel like I’m 100 years old or lived through the Great Depression. But I say it to explain that I can sort of see Lynn’s perspective. I remember not flushing pee being so normal that if you went to a friend’s house, you’d causally ask “Do you do ‘If it’s yellow let it mellow?’’ before using the bathroom

But that’s exactly the thing. We asked! Because the civilized thing to do is to let people decide how much stagnant urine they are comfortable having in their own homes. Remind your mother-in-law that she doesn’t pay your water bill, and hang a sign that says “please flush,” as a reminder. If she doesn’t comply, tell your husband he’s been assigned the job of going in immediately after her every time she pees.

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My mother-in-law takes advantage of every family gathering to launch into a dissertation of each and every thing she can’t stand about her husband, from his failure to satisfy her in bed to excessive flatulence. My requests to my wife to tell her oversharing mother to STFU are met with commiseration, but she claims that she can’t do anything about it.

This is our year to host Easter dinner, and I have no desire to have the occasion turned into a group therapy session for her. When the time comes, I’m ready to tell my wife I’m taking the kids to the store and then sneak them over to my parents’ place just over our state line for Easter. Do I have permission to do that since my wife refuses to put her foot down?

—Save it For an Actual Shrink

No! You’re acting like your MIL brings a loaded gun to your home and lets the kids play with it. This isn’t that serious. I get that you dislike her style of conversation and it really does sound like she is a downer. But part of being married and being in a family is putting up with some people you wouldn’t have personally chosen. You don’t just get to demand that they shut up and then take the children across state lines under false pretenses if you don’t get your way!

Yes, it would be nice if your wife would ask her mom to reel it in, but she’s made a different choice. When it comes to honoring your desire to enjoy dinner without absorbing huge amounts of negativity or thinking about flatulence, you too have choices, and many of them don’t necessitate running away with the kids. You can 1) speak with your MIL in advance and ask that she keep the complaints about her husband to a minimum. Feel free to make up a story about how you’re working with the kids on not speaking negatively about others and hope the adults in the family can set a good example. 2) Say “This feels a little too personal for a family meal” when she gets into the more intimate topics. 3) Proactively steer the conversation in a different direction, maybe even going around the table to ask everyone to respond to a prompt like “What’s your best Easter memory?” Or commit to talking everyone to death so she can’t get a word in! 4) Interrupt her with “I don’t know how Ralph feels but I wouldn’t want to be criticized in front of everyone” 5) Make Easter dinner a buffet, spread the seating around and put on music so you can have some distance from her and hopefully not hear what she’s saying. It’s also an option to simply not host when you know that one of the attendees will make you want to run away from your own home.

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I am a 31-year-old straight single man. I have had a few “situationships” with women over the years (though I hate that term), but never a formal relationship, so the family has never met a girlfriend or date of mine. My mom seems to be fine with the idea that I’ll either figure it out later or remain single, but my stepdad is weirdly obsessed with the subject and constantly makes jokes about me being gay at family events. I don’t know if “jokes” is the right word because he really does seem to think I’m gay, even though I’ve said that I’m not.

I’m not gay, but if I were, I would be OK with being out and gay. But my stepdad’s jokes have been going on for so long now that extended family seem to be under the impression that I actually am gay and refer to me in conversation now as if it’s a known fact that I’m an out gay man. Is it weird that I’m annoyed about this? Should I say or do something to set the record straight?

Is it weird that you’re annoyed about this? No! Not in the least. Actually, if there’s anything weird it’s that you’re just annoyed and not completely livid. What makes me the most upset about the situation is thinking about how hurtful this campaign of your stepdad’s would be if you actually were gay and had your reasons for keeping it to yourself, or if you were privately exploring or questioning your sexuality. What your stepfather is doing is just completely reckless when it comes to your emotional wellbeing (not to mention common decency). It’s hard for me to imagine that his mean and inappropriate streak is a recent development, and I can’t help but wonder what else you had to endure from him when you were a kid. Whatever it was may be what has shaken your trust in yourself so much that you aren’t sure it’s OK to be upset about being the subject of an extensive campaign of lies about a sensitive personal topic.

You should ask your stepdad to stop very directly, if you haven’t already. I just know he’s the kind of person who’s going to dismiss you, saying you’re being too sensitive and can’t take a joke. If I’m right, that’s when you switch tactics and text the following to the whole family:

“Is anyone else worried about Dan? He seems to have developed a fixation on my sexuality that is a bit creepy and disturbing. If he’s unwell in some way, I think he deserves help. Please keep a note of any time he mentions this topic to you, as it may be helpful information if he decides to consult a professional. By the way, I’m straight, but I would be happy to tell everyone if I were gay. Although of course I know that none of you share his unhealthy obsession with the topic and you probably don’t care either way. Anyway, this is less about my orientation and more about my concern about his apparent inability to control his intrusive thoughts. If anyone has ideas about how we might support him, please let me know.”

My partner is upset with me because, they say, I show no sympathy to them when they are sick. This is not true! When they first pop a fever, I make store runs for ginger ale or Gatorade or cough drops; I order their favorite matzo soup. But my sympathy ends quickly because my partner refuses to treat their symptoms. Advil? Nope. Pepto? Nope. The doctor? Forget about it. A few weeks ago, we both came down with the same nasty sinus infection, but I started Tylenol and a prescription nasal spray, and stayed well enough to take care of the house and kids. My partner refused all of those things and remained in bed for six straight days. Which is fine behavior if you’re single. But I feel like when you have little kids, you’re responsible for doing what you can to remain upright, and I have very little patience for someone who is essentially choosing to stay sick. Am I being too harsh?