My Husband’s Fear of Identity Theft Is Making Our House Unlivable

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

My husband and I are fortunate enough to be homeowners with pretty good credit. We get credit card and loan offers in the mail all the time. I’ve been trying to declutter our house, and junk mail is a big issue. Everything goes on the entry way table and its always overflowing. I set up a recycle bin in the entry way for just such physical spam, but my husband won’t use it because he says we have to SHRED all those offers, and our shredder is not big enough to deal with all the constant clutter! Also, the shredder is in his office, and he only gets to it every other month or so, so the workflow doesn’t keep up.

I know that’s the best, most secure way to deal with junk. But really, our recycle bin is kept in the garage until the night before the garbage is collected., then we roll it out to the curb. We always put other recycling on top of the mail.

Is it really that dangerous to just toss those mailers as is? Maybe tear them up by hand first? Please help!

—Drowning in Junk Mail

While I totally understand your husband’s concern,  those “pre‑approved” offers are basically advertisements. They look official, but they typically don’t contain enough sensitive information for someone to open an account in your name.

Credit card junk mailers usually just include your name and address. Yes, sometimes there’s an “offer code,” but opening a new credit card requires more than that. A thief would need your Social Security number and also have to go through additional steps to verify your information. The idea that someone could grab a mailer out of your trash and use it to open a credit card in your name is mostly outdated.

That said, identity theft is a serious problem—it’s just that it’s much more likely to happen from something like an online data breach than from physical mail. You can stay safe by regularly checking your credit reports, freezing your credit when you’re not actively applying for anything, using strong passwords (and, ideally, a password manager), and enabling two-factor authentication on your existing financial accounts.

If it helps your husband feel more secure, a practical compromise would be to tear up the portion of the mailer that includes your name, address, and any kind of offer code before you recycle it. Shredding doesn’t hurt, but if it’s causing clutter, suggest a simpler system, like collecting all the junk mail in a smaller, separate bin, then dealing with it once a week.

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My problem is the income disparity between me and my best friend of 30+ years. In a nutshell, I make a lot more money than him. We live far apart, so whenever I’m back in my hometown area, I try to get together with him for lunch or dinner. I always pick up the check and am always happy to do so. I don’t want him to ever think Im bragging or showing off, but I just know I’m in a much better position to grab checks. Should I, in the interest of preserving our friendship, stop doing this? Ask him to “go Dutch”? I love seeing him when I can, and don’t want him to feel “less than.”

Is there any sign that this is actually bothering him? If not, you’re probably fine. My guess is that he genuinely appreciates you picking up the tab. After all, you’re not doing it to show off—you’re doing it because you care. More than income differences, what matters most in a solid, long-lasting friendship is mutual respect, and it sounds like that’s exactly what you have here.

That said, money can be a weirdly sensitive topic, so I get your concern. People often tie their self‑worth to what they can or can’t afford. Talking about money is sometimes frowned upon, so even if your friend isn’t saying anything, there’s a small chance he might be feeling a certain way about it. If you’re worried about that, the easiest way to find out is to check in with him. A simple, “Hey, I like being able to pick up the tab when I’m in town. I just want to make sure it never feels weird for you,” will go a long way. It’ll give him a chance to speak up about something that can fester in silence.

Your friendship doesn’t need to be transactional, but letting him do small things for you can balance things out, too. So if he offers to host you at his place or take you to coffee afterwards, be open to it, because it might make him feel like things are more balanced.

The bottom line, though, is that your generosity comes from a place of affection, not ego. My guess is that your friend probably senses that.

I’m 46 and have a well-paying, recession-proof job. I’m saving for retirement, but I don’t think I’ll have enough. My husband isn’t working and has nothing saved for retirement. I’m worried about bridging the gap. I have a pension, a 401(k), and I (should) get a decent inheritance from my parents. My husband not having any retirement savings worries me. I’m already providing for us now, I don’t want to have to when I’m retired as well. His parents are deceased and there will be no inheritance. How can I save more when virtually all of my paycheck goes to keep us afloat?

It sounds like you’re under an enormous amount of pressure, and my bigger concern is that you’re doing it alone. You’re right to worry, but why are you the only one responsible for solving this problem? It’s great that you have a pension, a 401(k), and maybe an inheritance down the line, but funding retirement for both of you is a big lift, especially if you’re already stretched thin.

There may be legitimate reasons why your husband isn’t working, but the numbers still have to add up. You need to know what those numbers look like, and for that, I would talk to a fee-only financial planner. They’ll help you calculate what your retirement might cost, where you’re at with that goal currently, and find possibilities for filling in the gaps. Start by checking out NAPFA or CFP.net to search for fee-only advisors who are held to a fiduciary standard (legally obligated to act in your best interest).

I do wonder if this is also a relationship issue, not just a financial one. You can’t plan for retirement as a team if only one person is contributing, financially or otherwise. Whatever your husband’s work situation, he should be helping to plan all of this with you.

More Money Advice From Slate

We are a gay couple updating our wills. Over the years, we’ve had some nieces and nephews on both sides of the family who we have helped out financially; always sent gifts to for Christmas, birthdays, and life events; and (most importantly) enjoyed their company when they came to visit us or vice versa. There are 13 nieces and nephews altogether, all of them in their late teens or 20s. The issue is that seven of them have always acknowledged us, thanked us for our gifts, invited us to events, etc., while with the other six it’s radio silence.