I Know My Tween Daughter’s Behavior Is Normal. But It’s Really Breaking My Heart.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My middle kid, a 12-year-old girl, won’t talk to me very much. We ride to her soccer practice 40 minutes each way, twice a week at least. I try to get her to talk. I ask about her friends. I try to start conversations about upcoming vacations, etc. I get the typical two-word responses. She does talk to Mom, who just got home from a work trip, and took her to practice and came in telling me how chatty she was. Today, when Mom took her to school, she sat in the front seat. She always sits in the back seat when I drive her. I am grateful and happy that she will open up to Mom.

Her older sister wasn’t like this. She was always plenty chatty with me. It just hurts because our middle child was so attached to me from ages 3 to 9—she is sporty and active, and we would wrestle and play soccer in the yard. She always came to me first in those years. She has always been a little broody compared to her older sister; they are very different kids. I pack her lunch for school. I make her food all the time. I make sure she has a clean uniform for practice. Still, she will say outright, “I don’t like Dad.” I am the default parent in our house when it comes to day-to-day stuff, so I’m pushing her more than Mom when it comes to cleaning up her room, helping with dishes, and taking care of her responsibilities. But I’m not a disciplinarian. I tell her I love her five times a day.

I know this is all very, very normal for a girl right in the middle of puberty. I’m sure the answer is just to keep loving her and taking care of her and wait it out. But if you have any advice, I’ll take it.

I can only imagine how much this situation hurts your feelings. I think kids don’t always realize that their parents are people, too, and that we actually really want them to want to be around us. But we have to give them space, and sometimes, maybe not even ask them anything at all.

One thing you can try on those long car rides is letting your daughter choose music or a podcast, which might generate some conversation. Try the same thing with a movie or TV show at home. If it doesn’t get her talking, at least it still allows you both to be comfortable in the same space and share something.

When I was a teenager, I didn’t have the words to explain how overstimulated I was all day at school, and that I really didn’t want people asking me questions when I got home. My mom, who is very talkative, would pepper me with so many questions, and I honestly didn’t know how to handle it without being snappy in a way that I’m embarrassed of now as an adult. On the weekends, I’d go over to my dad’s house, and because he wasn’t a big talker, we just existed beside each other without an expectation to hold conversations. It would restore my energy bank.

Ironically, now I talk to my parents a lot. So there’s hope for you! Just remember that teens don’t really know how to explain their feelings well or even what they want from us adults. They might not even realize it themselves. So, even though it can be a little disappointing, just give her some time and find ways to connect with her without the push for conversation.

Get parenting and family advice—submit a question!

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Thanks! Your question has been submitted.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter (who is in the 5th grade) is having problems with her friends at school. These are girls she’s been friends with for years. Four of them approached her on the playground and told her they didn’t like her and didn’t want to be her friend anymore. They also said they are going to ask another friend if she also wants to stop being friends with my daughter. Two of those four have done this before, once last spring and another time last fall. At what point do you get involved when your kids have conflicts with their friends versus letting them figure it out themselves?

My child doesn’t want me to speak to the kids’ parents. I know all of these parents and would feel comfortable speaking to them. My daughter believes this would make everything worse among her friends, which is possible. She believes kids are gossiping about her behind her back, and she worries about losing all of her friends.

I know stuff like this happens at this age. I also know my daughter isn’t perfect. Certainly, kids can decide they don’t want to be friends with someone anymore, but I do not think she did anything worthy of this level of meanness. I am concerned because they are ganging up on her as a group and trying to bring other girls into it. I’m worried it will keep escalating. My husband wants to speak to the parents about it, but wouldn’t call them if we didn’t agree on it.

It can be really hard not to interfere in kids’ relationships with each other. After all, we have a lifetime of experience that tells us just how hurtful these actions can be. But the clear answer to your question is this: Only get involved in your kids’ friendships if someone is at risk of being harmed. Harm isn’t limited to physical hurt. If someone is being bullied or if you think emotional triggers could be pulled, it’s worth interfering in kids’ “business.”

You didn’t mention anything that seems to rise to that level—like your daughter’s friends’ meanness affecting her mental health or distracting her in school. So, this meanness sounds like it might just be a lesson in group dynamics that, unfortunately, she will encounter again as she gets older and will need to navigate on an even more complicated scale. Let her learn and grow. And most importantly, listen to her. She explained that she doesn’t want you to intervene. Explain that to your husband and settle on a compromise: If the situation escalates, then you’ll both step in and involve the girls’ parents.

Your daughter trusts you enough right now to keep you in the loop. That’s something you want to encourage. Going against her wishes and involving parents, which very well could make it worse for her (just imagine the teasing about how she “ran to her mommy and cried about them being mean to her”), can affect how much she tells you in the future. As she gets older, that trust and openness will be key!

We Want to Hear Your Petty Work Drama!

Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband, “Tyler,” and I disagree strongly about whether or not to take our kids to visit his seriously ill sister, “Serena.” Our girls are 4 and 6, and I think they’re old enough to know something’s very wrong but too young to understand it. They spent a lot of time together when she was in good health and even when she was in outpatient care, but now that she’s very, very ill, I don’t think it’s appropriate. Tyler worries that hiding makes eating disorders stronger, and he’s worried it could be a risk for our kids if we don’t make everything clear from an early age. We’ve told them she has a brain sickness, and the doctors are trying hard, but might not be able to help her get better. I think this is enough. She used to live locally, but her inpatient care is several hours away, so it takes some special planning to make a trip. Tyler and I are planning a visit for this month.

Serena has dealt with an eating disorder on and off since her teens. In her periods of best health, it’s never actually gone, but she’s an intense, smart woman with big goals and incredible drive to meet them. Serena got an Ivy League degree and accomplished huge milestones in her hobbies. She’s brilliant, and they hold her job for her at work during relapses because there’s no one like her. But she started visibly sliding a few years ago, and right now, she’s very sick. Her dad convinced her to go into treatment again, but she’s not doing very well. Her treatment center allows family kids under certain conditions. But I don’t want to do it, and we’ve been arguing.

I understand why you’re cautious, but your kids likely want to see their aunt. Because they’ve spent a lot of time with her before, having huge stretches of time with no contact can affect the relationship they’ve built. Serena seems like an amazing person, and because she’s dealt with this condition for a great deal of her life, she might need more of this kind of help and support for years to come. If you’re waiting until she’s totally better and not sick to continue fostering their relationship, that day might not come.

I think you should allow your daughters to visit, but if you’re not quite ready for in-person trips, consider starting with virtual video calls, if that’s an option. Allow your girls to continue to build memories with their aunt and also have age-appropriate discussions as they ask more questions. You’re not wrong to be concerned. Studies show girls as young as your oldest can begin to prefer thin bodies. But think of this as an opportunity to have conversations with your girls you otherwise might not be thinking about if they weren’t directly related to your family’s situation. While some parents might not be aware, you are, and you have the opportunity to start talking to them about what it means to be healthy. Checking out A Kids Book About Body Image by Rebecca Alexander is a good place to start.

More Advice From Slate

My 8-year-old son is a very messy eater. Naturally, I blame myself for using baby-led weaning instead of spoon-feeding him baby food, because he still wants to eat everything with his hands. Yogurt, cereal, spaghetti, macaroni and cheese—he starts out with the utensil but eventually starts eating with his fingers. Then he unconsciously wipes his hands on his pants. He is a bit too short to be comfortably above the table when he sits on his bottom, so he sits on his knees, which makes it difficult to a) keep a napkin on his lap and b) lean over his plate when he eats.