My Husband Called Our 9-Year-Old a Slur. And He Meant It!

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

There’s been a rift between my husband, “Brad,” and our 9-year-old son, “Wade,” since last month, and it culminated with Brad calling wade a horrible name.

Brad signed Wade up for Little League back in the fall without telling him (or me!). Wade has never been into sports; he’s more of an artsy kid, much to my husband’s chagrin. When tryouts came in February, Wade was very upset to learn his dad had signed him up and refused to go. Finally, when Brad threatened to take away Wade’s phone, I stepped in and told him that if Wade didn’t want to go, that was the end of it.

Brad backed down, but he’s been frosty toward Wade ever since. Our 6-year-old daughter is in karate, and last night Brad said, “She’s the closest thing to a son I’ll ever have.” Right within earshot of Wade. He ran into his room, at which point Brad told me our son is “a disappointment and a pussy.” Wade now says he hates his dad. I’ve had about all I can stand. This is exactly what happened when he tried to convince Wade to play football a year ago. Should I insist on family therapy, or is it time to throw in the towel?

—God Help Me, I Married an Asshole

Dear God Help Me,

I suspect the time for “throwing in the towel” bypassed you a long time ago, beloved. You need to be devising a plan to get your children away from this man. A parent who thinks of their very young son in such a disgusting way is a danger to him, full stop. There have been a number of tragedies involving parents who harmed sons who they considered to be “soft.” It is time for a plan. I can’t speak to the state of your own relationship with your husband, but I cannot fathom maintaining a romantic connection with someone who was so ugly towards our child. Family therapy may be helpful in the future, and I would hope that a judge would require him to have some individual therapy before allowing him to have time with the kids, but our legal system is not always effective. Do not try to salvage things with this man–your son can’t afford the risk.

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My husband “Kurt’s” 70-year-old mother, “Pearl,” moved in with us shortly after her husband passed away last year. Over the past several months I have noticed her growing increasingly forgetful. She will ask a question and then ask it again less than five minutes later, rinse and repeat numerous times. She has forgotten the names of people she’s known for years and frequently misplaces things. Kurt has downplayed all of this, claiming his mother hasn’t been herself since his father died and is simply getting a bit forgetful with old age. But recently, things took a terrifying turn.