Our House Guests Always Have the Same Complaints. This Is Just What Comes With Visiting a Young Family.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I live 12 hours away from any family. We have two kids under 5 and live on a working farm, and we both work full-time in different towns. We have a comfortable but small home, including a no-frills guest room and bathroom in our basement. We frequently have visitors, and I ensure that we have any items they might need (toiletries, diet-appropriate foods, coffee, extra winter gear). When we have guests, I make healthy meals on my children’s schedule and have snacks available, and we generally proceed through our normal routine of work, play, and farm chores. But our guests often complain about the same things.

I’ve had guests sleep until 11 a.m. and act put-off that I didn’t have a Denny’s Grand Slam hot and ready. I’ve had complaints that our kids were too loud, playing at 8 a.m. We also don’t have a lot of attractions within a two-hour drive, so I have had guests tell me they are bored. What are the expectations for us, hosting as a young family? What is fair to me and to them?

—Did I Sign Up for This?

Dear Did I Sign Up for This,

It’s less about what is “expected” or “fair,” and more about what each of you wants and what is actually possible—and communicating about that clearly ahead of time.

Anyone visiting you needs to know, first of all, whether and when and how you can accommodate them. They should talk with you about dates that will work for you, not just show up and expect you to wait on or entertain them. They should understand what sorts of things there are to do where you live, not be disappointed because they were hoping for more excitement. And no one should expect slow or silent mornings when visiting a family with two children under five—it’s unreasonable to expect little kids to not be little kids just because a guest is in the house!

It is pretty normal to sometimes alter your routine to spend more time with visiting family, if you’re able to. That doesn’t mean you have to do so every time, or when it’s inconvenient or impossible for you. With your farm, I’m sure you can’t just drop everything. But it’s not weird to occasionally have a family visit that doesn’t look exactly like your typical daily working life.

The only real way to address the gap between your relatives’ expectations and what you can realistically do as a host is to talk with them about it before they visit. Talk about what the plan should be ahead of time—what they want, what you want, what is doable—and then you’ll both understand what sort of visit it will be.

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