I’m in a Loving Relationship. But I Have a Secret Shame. It Involves His Son.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 14-year-old stepson whom I first met when he was a toddler. He spent weekends with his father and me until he was 7, when he moved in with us because his mom moved out of state and we were awarded physical custody. When we got married several years ago, I asked him what he wanted to call me, and he said “Mom.” He is smart, bright, funny, and generous, and he has a heart of gold. He deserves to have present, loving parents as much as every single kid out there does. And yet, I do not love him.

I go through the motions of what I know a parent is supposed to provide her child. I do the things, buy the stuff, spend the time, ask the questions, try to engage. And I feel none of it. I know the difference because his father and I have our own biological children now, and what my heart feels for my own is everything that I don’t feel for my stepson.

It’s difficult enough for me to struggle through parenting without feeling the parental love (oh man, managing the resentment and guilt that builds up as a result is an active, constant process)—but I can’t even imagine what I’m doing to the poor kid. I know that even if he can’t consciously recognize my lack of maternal love, he feels it subconsciously and there’s no way that this isn’t fucking him up.

Everyone has reassured me over the years that my love for him would come, not to push it or rush it. But I’ve tried so many different approaches—spending more time with him, less time with him, no time with him, one-on-one time with him, sharing my interests, sharing his interests … and still. I do not miss him when he’s not around. I do not wish to spend more time with him.

He so deserves a mom who loves him unconditionally, which apparently I can’t be because I’m deficient? Evil? I dunno. Regardless, how can I give my stepson the unconditional maternal love that he deserves and needs? If I can’t, would it be best to break up with my husband so he can find a better mom for his son, or is that way too late at this point to be helpful? (I would be impacting our biological children, too.) What can I even do at this point to minimize the damage I’m doing to my stepson?

—What’s Wrong With Me?

Dear What’s Wrong With Me?

Oh, my dear, there is so much self-loathing radiating from this letter. Your head is a tough place to be right now. I cannot possibly say with any assurance that your belief you are “fucking up” your stepson is coming from an accurate or objective place. You describe a happy, healthy, smart, and generous young man, who is being raised by what I assume is a good and loving father, as well as a woman who is actively trying to be a good parent to him on a daily basis. In the history of humans ham-fistedly trying to raise the next generation, that’s a pretty good childhood, I have to tell you.

You need one-on-one therapy immediately. I would ordinarily encourage you to first talk to your husband, but I am extremely uncertain that you are a reliable narrator of your own life at this moment, and you’re displaying some catastrophizing that a professional would handle best. (No, you should not leave your marriage!) Talking to your husband will be an important part of the process, but I’m genuinely concerned about your mental health right now and want you to start there.

I don’t think you’re in a place to hear this right now, but let me remind you (and all my readers) that love is also an action, and by doing what you describe as “going through the motions” in asking the right questions, showing interest, showing up, you are, in fact, loving your stepson. It’s the truth. Please keep me posted.

From: I Don’t Love My Stepson. Am I an Awful Person? (February 11th, 2019).

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Dear Care and Feeding,

We have three elementary school–age kids. Our middle kid has a few different delays (speech, fine motor, math) and public school just doesn’t seem to be a good fit for her anymore. The private school we are looking at moving her to is the kind of place you dream of affording for your children.

The thing is, we can really only afford one tuition, and it feels a little like we are robbing the other two of an amazing opportunity (both are happy and well-adjusted where they are). How do you deal with the guilt of not sending all of them, and how do you explain why one kid gets a special school?

One of the most important lessons of having kids is that sometimes they need very different things from you as a parent and that there is nothing inherently “unfair” about doing your damndest to meet each child where they are. Your other two kids are happy in their current school, and your middle child may need a slightly different environment to thrive.

Before you pick up stakes, please remember that if your child qualifies for an IEP (or just a 504), it’s only the public school system that is obliged to meet those needs for her, and your hoped-for private school may prove less flexible in this respect than you imagine. Essentially, before dropping megabucks on a new school, make sure the public system can’t accommodate your child’s needs and educational rights. Even hiring an education/disability lawyer for a consult to see what she is entitled to by law in a public education is a lot cheaper than private school tuition.

If your kids ask questions, go ahead and answer them. Nothing demystifies disability in our society more than being upfront about it. “You know how Anthony needs glasses, so he has to go see the eye doctor and you don’t? Well, Dorothy needs a different math teacher/specialized tools/a teacher to work with her on her talking skills,” etc.

Best of luck! Please let me know what you decide.

From: I Feel Guilty About Sending One Kid to Private School When I Can’t Afford to Send the Others. (December 17th, 2018).

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 2-year-old loves to kick us while we’re changing her diaper. Sometimes out of anger: “I don’t want my diaper changed” or “I want the other parent who is currently cooking dinner to do it!” or “I’m having a meltdown for no apparent reason!” Other times it’s because she thinks it’s fun, and she laughs about it.

We’ve tried telling her it’s not OK to kick, that it hurts us. (Occasionally she will apologize, usually with some prompting.) We’ve tried looking sad. We’ve tried leaving the room for a minute. We’ve tried standing off to the side where she can’t kick us, but if she’s in a kicking mood, she will shimmy over to where she can kick us.

It’s less about the pain, though it does hurt sometimes. But it’s more about it generally not being OK to hit or kick people, all over the place while we’re trying to change you, especially when you’re covered in poop.

—Please, Stop the Kicking

Congratulations! This child is ready to be potty-trained. If she can apologize for kicking you, it’s time to get one of the thousands of books and start the process. If she does not like being potty-trained, you can tell your very verbal child that if you kick and hit people, you need to use the potty. It sounds like it’s becoming a fun game (only for her) and that she’s right on target for starting potty training.

I’m very sorry about the poop.

From: I’m Pregnant and Terrified I Won’t Be Able to Handle My Baby’s Crying. (July 5th, 2019).

I recently came across an explicit photo online that appears to be a friend of mine. I can’t say for 100 percent certain, as she is facing away from the camera, but the resemblance seems more than a coincidence. The date of the photo corresponds to when she left but not yet divorced an abusive husband. Should I contact her about it?