I Really Need My Boyfriend to Go Down on Me. What He Does Instead Is Maddening.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

If there is one thing I want in the world, it is for my boyfriend to go down on me. I really need that to feel like my boyfriend is devoted to me, and loves and takes care of me.

But every time I ask for it, he has what appears to be a small panic attack and won’t do it. I’ve asked if it’s how I taste or smell, and he said it’s not (I, of course, have smelled/tasted myself, and it’s fine!). I asked if he’d like me to shave, and he said no. I’ve asked what else I can do to make it more enjoyable for him, and he says he “does enjoy it, “but literally never does it. I’ve asked him why, and he doesn’t have a good answer for me, but he genuinely does seem inhibited or scared—like there’s something about it that awakens a deep insecurity in him. In the very rare cases he does go down on me, I give him lots of positive reinforcement and show him how much I enjoy it, so I’m not sure why he seems so hesitant and weird about it.

At this point, I’m really starting to resent him. I go down on him all the time, and I love it. I realize that if he doesn’t want to do something, he doesn’t have to, but he keeps insisting he does want to go down on me, and that he does enjoy it. It seems like a fear, not a boundary for him, per se. I’m at a loss for what to do. I can only ask for it so many times, and there’s only so much rejection I can take. Help?

—You Can Do It!

Dear You Can Do It,

You resent your boyfriend for only rarely engaging in a sexual act that you say you really need in order to feel loved. This is the essence of your letter. Your problem is not how you taste, the style of your pubic hair, or the amount and degree of praise you dole out when he does perform oral sex on you. So let’s focus on the crux of the issue.

You could put effort into finding other ways to feel loved, and as though you’re receiving devotion, in a sexual relationship. You probably have other types of relationships in your life—which don’t involve sex and therefore don’t involve receiving oral—where you derive your security from other actions, so those examples would be a great starting point. I’m also wondering whether you might harbor resentment toward your boyfriend regarding other aspects of the relationship, but are channeling all of those feelings into this particular area because it feels more manageable, or like some kind of metaphor for your whole dynamic.

If everything is great aside from this deficit, and you’re unwilling (or unable) to shift the basis of your feelings of being desired and wanted away from whether or not he’s delivering oral service, the two of you might be at an impasse. You can still attempt to resolve the issue. I suspect, because of the way your assertion that your boyfriend “literally never” goes down on you contradicts your later statement about the positive reinforcement you give during the “very rare” times he does, that you’re either young or emotionally overwhelmed by this mismatch in preferences. Absolutisms tend to preclude productive problem solving, but you might get somewhere by asking him to help you understand why his body language and behavior are saying the opposite of “I enjoy going down on you and want to do so” when his words are saying the latter. Put as much of your personal strife as possible aside and focus on grasping every detail he is able to communicate. Use open-ended questions—meaning, they can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.” If he’s able to give you some accurate information about why he contradicts himself on this issue, or what the hurdle is to follow through on the desire he says he has, you may be able to find a way past it.

But in the event that your boyfriend’s reluctance to eat you out is truly a dealbreaker, and you find yourself back on the dating scene, be up front about your requirement for oral as you’re scoping out potential partners. And wait until you’ve felt compelling evidence of their appreciation for the practice before you start getting super committed.

Get sex advice—submit a question!

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Thanks! Your question has been submitted.

Dear How to Do It,

For nearly my entire life, I’ve had an insanely high libido. Five years ago, I was fortunate enough to meet a partner whose sex drive matched mine, and we had a couple of years of really raucous, satisfying, life-altering sex. But even though he’s great in bed and I know we can do pretty much anything together, I’m finding myself less and less horny—not just for him, but for anyone. When I masturbate, it doesn’t feel as good. When I have sex, my mind feels like it’s somewhere else. I typically have a super active, slutty fantasy life, but for the past couple of months, I just can’t imagine anything that would really turn me on. My tried-and-true fantasies just seem lackluster. My body is just not that into it. This is so unlike me, and it’s really freaking me out.

For context, I’m a 36-year-old female, and I don’t have kids. I work out a fair amount, I have lots of friends and hobbies, I’m sleeping well, I’m not on any medication, and I do not have any known medical conditions. I had my hormones checked, and they’re normal. Aside from the fact that the honeymoon phase has probably worn out with my partner, and a somewhat regular amount of job stress, I don’t have any great reasons why my libido and sensation would be so dull lately. I’d like to be at least a little hornier and feel a little more into it when I masturbate and have sex. What do you suggest?

—Is This Thing On?

Dear Is This Thing On,

You have considered most of the usual, easy-to-check possibilities. I’d also take a look at whether your diet is sufficient, and keep in mind that supplements can have side effects just like medications.

One potential factor you don’t mention is the routine passage of time. In the same way that our nonsexual interests, culinary tastes, and personal style shift throughout our lifetimes, often for no discernible reason, what turns us on and tunes us into our bodies can change. And from what you write, it sounds like you didn’t have partners who were up for the amount and variety of sex that could leave you fulfilled and satiated. While the newness of your relationship has likely settled into routine—especially if you’re living together—so has the newness of a partner who is as up for sex as you are. You’ve had those couple of years of consistently getting weird and wild with someone. You’re no longer in a position of yearning, seeking, arranging, and seducing, and those actions might have been part of your arousal process.

If you’re generally feeling less sensation (when you’re eating, drinking, sitting in sunlight), focus on getting back in touch with your body first. This often looks like breathing or mindfulness practices, but can also be strong sensory experiences that get your adrenaline pumping. Use your judgment, obviously—if a yoga class feels culty or a plunge into a cold pool feels reckless, skip it. As long as you find ways to start paying attention to interesting or pleasant feelings in your body, you’ll have achieved the aim. Sensations that might be described as unpleasant but aren’t harmful are useful as well—think: the ache after a workout where you really pushed yourself, or cold fingers in the morning when you’re preparing coffee or breakfast. From there (or, in the event that you’re still experiencing more broad sensual enjoyment), start looking at the aspects of sexuality that you haven’t tried, or that weren’t previously erotic to you. One example I’ve run into several times, which illustrates how surprising the direction of changes in interests can be, is people who spent their 20s mainly motivated by athletic and acrobatic sex, or by kink, or power dynamics, and fairly suddenly developed a taste for the details of slow or vanilla sex.

Make sure you give yourself time for desire to develop, regardless. You have friends, hobbies, a fitness routine, and a whole life and personality outside of your historically high libido. You’re still you even if you aren’t horny right now, and taking the pressure off of yourself is one of the most effective ways to give erotic sparks space to grow.

For a forthcoming advice column, we want to help you navigate modern dating. Did your date ghost you 10 minutes before your dinner? Are you stuck in first-date purgatory? Ask us!

Dear How to Do It,

I am a 49-year-old man in a stable, happy marriage to my wife of 21 years. Our marriage has been (largely) sexless since the birth of our son, who was profoundly disabled before his death about five years ago. My wife spent all of her time taking care of him, and I was hardly able to do the things I love. I spent long weekends fly fishing and golfing just to get away from all the persistent negativity. My wife was always there to take care of our son, and we didn’t have time for sex, which is incredibly difficult for me.

Now, it’s been a significant enough amount of time since our son passed, and last week, I decided to proposition my wife for the first time in almost 17 years. Well, she started yelling at me, telling me off for “pressuring” her into something before she was ready. I believe her overall well-being would be positively impacted if we started having sex again! It would really deepen the intimacy we already have with each other. How can I convince her to let me help her?

—Holding Out for a Hero

Dear Holding Out for a Hero,

I’m not sure how to integrate your statement that you were “hardly able to do the things [you] love” with your long weekends spent engaged in sports outdoors. The idea that your marriage is stable and happy is also at odds with the picture you paint of the past couple of decades. I’m guessing you were at work during the weekdays, and your wife continued to care for your disabled son on those long weekends. Usually, people who devote their entire lives to caretaking while their co-parent spends their free time (and money) on avoiding the reality of the family are unhappy. Being utterly let down by their partner does that to a person.

You don’t have the ability to know—much less the right to decide—how much time is enough time for your wife to mourn the passing of the son you had together. Considering your wife’s reaction to your proposition, you’re likely off base with your belief that having sex with you will help your wife heal. Attempts to convince her to copulate will probably only drive her away or cause further emotional turmoil. Start with understanding the actual state of your marriage and repairing what needs to be repaired.

More Advice From Slate

I’m a 33-year-old woman just getting back into the dating scene after a decade of being married. I met a guy on Tinder and we hit it off immediately—we both agreed that we weren’t looking for commitment or monogamy, but that we’d enjoy something ongoing and with a level of companionship beyond typical friends with benefits. We ended up texting all day, every day for several days before meeting up at a bar near his house. Having skirted sexy-chatting during the week, we both knew what was likely to happen and had talked about protection earlier—I mentioned that I was on birth control but that I prefer to still use condoms with new partners.