My Husband Loves to Cook a Specific Dessert. It’s Making Him the Pariah of My Family.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

My husband loves to cook, and his favorite dish is a very boozy dessert.

My sister freaks out whenever he makes it because her kids (ages 8 and 11) have hysterical tantrums whenever anyone says “no” to them. My husband’s view is that there are always many other dessert options, and her children’s behavior should not dictate adults’ choices. It’s become a huge thing.

My sister complains to everyone that my husband is bullying her babies and trying to turn them into alcoholics. He responds that she should grow up so that they can grow up. Now my mother is asking us not to bring dessert to keep the peace, and my husband is refusing to attend events if my sister is present because, and I quote, “I have enough dingbats to deal with at work.” I’m thinking of putting a pause on family meetups for a few months because I don’t see why we should be asked, yet again, to adapt to my sister’s bad behavior, and I am tired of my mother enabling her. Am I wrong? Will this make things worse?

On a practical level, it seems like your problem is solved. Your husband won’t be attending your family events. And, I assume he won’t be baking for an event he’s boycotting. So there will be no boozy cake. No need to decide whether to honor your mom’s request.

But of course, it’s not just about the cake, or the alcohol in the cake (I’m sure readers will let me know whether it mostly burns off with the heat of the oven or not). You’re sick of these people! Given the way you feel right now, it’s hard for me to imagine you having a great time around your sister (who you think is an unreasonable human and a bad parent), her kids (who are apparently not super great company), and your mom, whose desire to accommodate your sister feels like an affront to your dignity, which I’m sure has a backstory that begins when you yourself were tantrum-aged.

Given these circumstances, taking a break from family meetups makes a lot of sense. But do it because you don’t want to be in an environment that infuriates you, not because you hope your absence will teach everyone a lesson and inspire them to behave the way you’d like them to. That won’t work. If you’re really over them, that’s OK.

If you actually want to make things better with your sister, it will require looking past her freakouts, complaining, and demands (this definitely requires being the bigger person and is not required of you, to be clear) to what seems to be fueling them: an intense struggle with parenting, and desperation to control the environment so that she can attempt to enjoy a family event without being embarrassed by her kids’ meltdowns. Is the kids’ behavior the result of the way she’s raised them? Maybe! But this is where we are, and it seems she wants to spend time with you without hearing bloodcurdling screams over a rum cake. If we look one layer deeper, she probably wants that because she loves you. Your mom, similarly, wants everyone to have a pleasant experience together. You can take the lead on achieving that by forgiving their personality flaws, or you can refuse to meet demands you see as unreasonable and avoid stressing yourself out. You probably can’t do both.

I’ve been friends with Julie for almost 20 years. I have always admired her self-conviction, confidence, and ability to know/go after what she wants without being burdened by the thoughts or opinions of others. She has a strong self of sense that I have always wished I could figure out. Julie has always been clear she does not want children and, until six years ago, steered clear of dating men with children. She met Ben at a mutual friend’s destination wedding and had a fling with him that continued once the wedding weekend came to an end…