My Girlfriend Has No Idea the Kind of Woman I’m Into. If She Finds Out, It’s Not Going to Be Pretty.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 30-year-old man in a relationship with a 26-year-old cis-woman who I feel like is the one. She came out of left field for me. We come from different backgrounds and different interests, but we really hit it off. It’s been over a year, and she’s basically moved in (we still have separate apartments, and she sleeps some nights alone depending on our work schedules, but she spends almost all of her time with me).
I have a BBW (big, beautiful woman) fetish and a joint fetish for feedism. I get off on that content a fair bit, and I like bigger women a lot more than I can say. My partner is skinny and has real issues with self-esteem and food stemming from a nasty youth with a controlling parent, and her background growing up included only eating very, very limited dishes outside of items heated up on a stove-top or microwave. She apparently used to calorie count excessively, to the point where she sought therapy. She has become much more culinarily adventurous with me, and part of our rapport is that I cook for her a few times a week.
She has gained some weight, like 10 pounds, and she talks about it some, but she seems OK with it. When I cook for her, it is not in any way sexual. I do it because I like sharing a skill, sharing food, and seeing her happy. That said, she doesn’t know about my fetish, and I don’t really want to tell her because I think she’d freak out about it. Bringing up out of the blue, “Hey, when I cook for you, just so you know, it’s not a fetish,” feels like it brings up a lot of questions that the sentence doesn’t answer. I’ve read enough letters here to know, however, that it’s probably only a matter of time until she finds out what I’m into. What’s a good playbook for things to say?
—Trying to Be Prepared
Dear Trying to Be Prepared,
Considering the different definitions and perspectives that others, particularly your girlfriend, might have will serve you well here. First up, the word fetish often implies something the person absolutely needs in order to be aroused or sexually fulfilled. It doesn’t seem like that’s how you’re using the word, though. Just in case, think through whether you can be happy long-term in a relationship with someone thin, and without any element of erotic feeding. If the answer is a wholehearted yes, you’re probably better off using language like “kink” or “interest.”
You’ll also want to consider the way that, while we do tend to talk about sexuality as though it’s siloed off, what may be an expression of romantic care to you could feel more like flirtation or even foreplay to your girlfriend. So, taking your words at face value, what is a completely non-sexual enjoyment of cooking for your girlfriend on your end might be a somewhat erotic experience for her, though likely devoid of the aspects that make feedism appealing for you.
You’re absolutely correct that secrets have a way of becoming known in a relationship—and withholding aspects of yourself that are important to you creates distance that works against serious commitment. Enough withholding can irreparably ruin the foundation of a relationship. If something is irrelevant, that’s one thing, but if you feel like you’re putting in effort to hide or avoid a subject, it’s important to consider why, and almost always important to find a way to express what you’ve been avoiding.
As far as a playbook for things to say, that’s far less about the flashy details than it is about how the two of you communicate and how she tends to receive complex information best. You’ll certainly want to emphasize your physical attraction to her, and the ways that your BBW and feedism interests are simultaneous but separate. Usually, the more succinctly we can communicate what we need to say, the easier it is for people to process. Be prepared for questions she might ask in the moment, and be prepared for her to need several days to wrap her head around what you’ve disclosed and arrive at questions. The more you allow her to process at her own pace, the better your chances of navigating this without totally freaking her out.
There is a chance that her awful experiences with food will mean that your sexual interests are too much for her. That’s more reason to speak up now—the longer people wait to share topics that could be combustible, the more betrayed and upset their partners tend to feel when everything eventually comes to light.
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