I Get Paid to Orgasm. You Have No Idea How Great My Life Is.

Pillow Talk is a series that deciphers our mixed signals about sex—who’s actually having it, who isn’t, and why—one interview at a time. Get in touch to suggest a subject.

This week, we meet Tam, a 34-year-old tantric practitioner in Colorado who gets paid to “exchange energy” with her clients via a protracted and increasingly erotic massage. But although it’s her job to bring them pleasure, she is often the one who walks away glowing. This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Slate: First of all, what is tantric massage? Walk me through a session.

Tam: I’m not the biggest expert on this, actually. There are plenty of people who have years of training in tantra, and who practice a very different style than I do. But for me, it’s a combination of tantric techniques and bodywork that creates a fun, sexy experience, mostly for people who want to get off. This involves sharing a very intimate, close space with someone. They’re fully naked, I’m partially naked, there’s relaxing music playing, and we sort of “connect” or “exchange energy” before jumping into the massage. To do this, I use tantric techniques like eye-gazing (where you stare into each other’s eyes), guided meditation, and breath work. (We often breathe in a “figure eight,” where you’re inhaling the other person’s exhale and vice versa.) Most people think of sex when they hear the word tantra, but in a tantric massage session, there is no penetrative sex—just a slutty, sexy full-body massage that ends with stroking their penis or vulva until they orgasm. It’s pretty much a happy-ending massage, but more intimate and connected. They can last anywhere from one to four hours.

As far as the orgasm goes, it’s often explosive for them because you’ve spent a long time in the session building up sexual energy through touch, breathing, and looking at each other’s bodies. But sometimes this can create pressure for them to “perform” and they end up unable to orgasm. As the facilitator, I don’t really give a hoot if they do or don’t. In tantra, orgasm isn’t the goal—it’s the sharing of intimacy that counts.

That does sound pretty intimate! What’s that like to do with someone you just met?

It’s usually pretty easy, but it does suck when the men have bad hygiene. I give them a chance to shower before we begin, and supply gum and water if they need it, yet they don’t always take advantage. They often come out of the shower with their ass smelling rank, which blows my mind. If there’s one thing I’ve learned doing this, it’s that men walk around this world with presumptive confidence. It’s baked into them like a birthright. Like, how on earth can you justify walking into a space where I’m paid to give you an experience and not smell good for me?

The gall! What made you want to do this, then?

I had a friend who did it as her side gig. We met up one evening for a Limp Bizkit concert. She told me about an insanely hot man she had seen earlier that day. He was charming and tall and buff. She described him as a nerdy young Paul Newman. The idea of this had me buzzing. She basically got paid $500 to wrestle him around on the massage table. I was interested, so I put an ad up, and it took off from there.

What was your first session like? Were you nervous?

Oh, it was so long ago [takes a drag from a cigarette]. I was just a sex work baby back then. I was definitely nervous for my first one. I hadn’t really ever given a hand job to completion. It felt elementary and unsophisticated. I was like, This is what someone is paying for? Crazy! I thought sex work was either doing full service or having an OnlyFans. It was … so much easier than either of those things.

I’ve been doing this for a little over two years, and I still get nervous. Some clients are really hot. I feel butterflies if I’ve taken a few weeks off or haven’t seen them in a while.

So you do see this as sex work, then? I’m not sure everyone who does this would agree.

For me it is, yes. I can’t speak for anyone else.

Do you do anything else other than massage? I imagine clients get excited for more.

Yeah, I do more with some clients, but never in conjunction with the massage—it takes place separately, usually outside my massage studio, at their place or a hotel. I have to compartmentalize because it just doesn’t feel earnest or hot to cross wires. I like to stay in the tantra headspace when I’m doing that.

I like to take my time getting to know a client, then I’ll fuck some of them if they’re hot. I let some of them suck on my toes while I touch myself, I pretend to be their girlfriend, etc. Most of the time, though, my clients want the sex to feel like it’s spawning out of this healing, tantric institution. They see it as spiritual, or even meditative. It’s deeply connecting for them. Very namaste. It is for me too, sometimes.

What are your clients like?

Ninety-nine percent of them are horny dudes. All ages. Sometimes women come in, but it’s pretty rare (for me, at least). Most of them are longing for something they’re not getting. They’re married but they have a kink, or their wife is sick of touching them. They’re single and too busy to try to date. They’re inexperienced, but they don’t have a partner. A lot of the ones who do have a partner don’t see this as cheating. They think coming to see me “prevents” them from cheating.

These aren’t people who want to just call up an escort, though. Escorting is great, but compared to tantra, it’s often less personal and more overtly sexual. That’s certainly valid, and there are plenty of clients who want that, but the type of men who come to see me are generally not looking to have a quick sexual tryst. They’re looking for something that feels connected, mutual, and about more than just sex. That can definitely happen in escorting and other types of sex work, but tantra is particularly good at creating that feeling because you spend so much time gazing into each other’s eyes, slowly exploring each other, breathing together, and connecting in ways that don’t necessarily lead to anything penetrative. Tantric massage can also be more affordable, so people come in repeatedly—sometimes a few times a month—and you end up building a certain rapport with them. Lastly, I screen my clients pretty heavily. The type of men who want a quick “pump and dump” don’t tend to want to let me check their ID and social media. The ones who want to feel a “real” and deep connection are more likely to let me screen them—even if it’s just for a happy ending.

You must be pretty good at the happy ending part! What’s your secret?

The good thing is, if you follow the structure of a session, they’ll usually get there. They’re turned on, you’ve rubbed your mostly naked body against theirs, and you’re looking deeply into their eyes. Unless they’ve got some sort of medical issue or they’re struggling with something emotionally, they’re going to be able to get there with you. You won’t need a big, profound secret, really!

Do you like doing this kind of work? Why or why not?

I love it! I love being myself (an absolute freak), while having to work so little and make so much. I love how you can see the same client 20 times and every time it’s different. It’s nice to be in a flow where I’ve done it for so long now that I don’t have to hustle anymore. I know the money comes and goes. If you’re smart with your money, and you save and invest, you won’t really have to worry. That feels like an absolute blessing considering the ruthlessness that is freelancing!

So you make a lot, then?

The least I’ve ever made in a month was $3,500. I worked four days that month. The most I’ve ever made was $14,000. I worked nine days that month. I don’t pocket all of it, though. A lot of it goes to expenses, and I travel a lot. Sometimes I’ll take the thousands of dollars I’ve made and spoil the shit out of my dad on a trip and it all evens out.

Has this affected your sex or romantic life outside work at all?

Oh, absolutely. Sometimes I visit other cities to do this work. In a new place, I’m a novelty to clients, so I’ll work for five days and see 20 to 30 clients in that time. It’s exhausting and disgusting to see that many penises. I’m pansexual, and sometimes I’m dating a man. I’ll return home feeling both a longing to be touched by someone who loves me, and simultaneously as if I can’t fathom having sex with a penis. Usually, when that happens, I aggressively hammer the shit out of myself with my vibrator so I can feel something, or I’ll go through a season of craving queer sex only. I’ve also learned how to advocate for myself during one-night stands because this work has taught me how to ask for what I want. (You have to be pretty firm with clients; otherwise, they’ll do things and touch you in ways that don’t necessarily feel good.) There’s a great deal of nuance in all this, and it’s not for everyone.

Am I correct, then, that sometimes it’s draining and sometimes it’s hot? Do you ever get turned on during sessions?

Of course! I had a doubles session with another girl I work with and a client I’ve seen many times. It was our first time merging worlds. She and I basically just got to fuck in front of him while he watched anime and paid us $3,000 each. It was awesome. I almost always orgasm while receiving oral from an older, wealthier client too. It turns me on so much.

Is that the most memorable experience you’ve had doing this?

Not necessarily! I’ve also pissed on someone, showered at the end of a session with someone, played with gender-switching, and worked with other hot women—all that really sticks in my mind. Once, I had an outcall at a very famous musician’s house. His dog kept coming into the room, and he wouldn’t set the boundary with the animal. He treated it like a special little baby that couldn’t be alone in the next room, so the dog sat in the room with us and watched for the entirety of the session. I had to avert my eyes so I didn’t make eye contact with him while the client finished.

Sounds like your tantra job is about much more than tantra.

It is. There’s a lot I do for people. That’s why I think sex work should be decriminalized. Historically, when we decriminalize, we destigmatize. And people deserve a safe space to explore their darkest, most shameful desires among someone who is emotionally detached and is being paid to fulfill that desire. I think tantra is a gateway to understanding how to touch someone slowly, softly, with intention. From there, expansion is not only possible—it is impending.