‘I’m Invisible in My Boyfriend’s Open Marriage. What Do I Do?’

Tefi Pessoa · 2026-01-23T08:00:32.061-05:00

From Estefanía Vanegas Pessoa, an advice column for anyone who’s ever thought, Am I the only one feeling this way?

‘He Broke Up With Me Because He Says Long Distance Never Works’

I was a late bloomer: My very first relationship happened when I was 32, and it was my first everything. One year and four months later, I experienced my first breakup — my first time being dumped. He flew out to see me just to break up in person, which completely blindsided me. I felt I was very mature in how I handled it (and very funny, to be honest). When we hugged good-bye, I said, “Okay, same time next year at [the location where we met]?” I’m choosing to believe what he said: He didn’t meet anybody new, he didn’t fall out of love, he didn’t get bored; he just took the easy way out since in his “experience,” long distance never worked, so it makes no sense to “work” for it.

My issue is all of my closest friendships are long distance, and they are some of the healthiest, most consistent relationships in my life. I know how to maintain intimacy across distance: We talk, we plan, we show up, and we’re even aiming to move closer to one another. They’re also helping me through this.

So why didn’t my experience count? Why did my confidence and track record suddenly feel irrelevant just because it wasn’t romantic?

I’m not asking the quintessential “how to get over a breakup” question (though it’s only day three). What I’m really afraid of is letting this breakup quietly undermine my trust in myself, not just in future romantic relationships but in the ones I’ve already built and sustained with care. How do I not let it?

I’m very confident in my ability to keep long-distance friends, but there’s now a voice in the back of my head saying that must be wrong too since I was wrong for the first.

Unfortunately, this breakup is probably going to mess with your trust in yourself a little bit. That does not mean you are regressing or failing or suddenly bad at relationships — the grief is temporary, I promise!

Grief is such a weird motherfucker, and breakups trigger many of the same emotional stages. That is, with one key difference: hope. The cruelest of them all!!! Hope can sneak in quietly and complicate everything. It can turn confusion into rumination, sadness into resentment, and unanswered questions into self-doubt. He gave external reasons to end your relationship and not “we don’t get along” or “we aren’t compatible,” and I can see how that can be frustrating.

I also think your nervous system is trying to make sense of loss. Plus, the truth is LONG DISTANCE IS ANXIETY INDUCING SOMETIMES.

Romantic relationships are not simply friendships with attraction layered on top. They involve different risks, expectations, projections, fears, and willingness to work through discomfort. I just want you to give yourself some slack: Dating someone far away is hard as fuck. That’s why there are like a bajillion social-media pages doling out tips and tricks for surviving long distance and keeping the spark alive. I mean, I live in Greenpoint and I can’t imagine dating someone on the Upper West Side!

What I want to tell you is you’re not a late bloomer. If you’re going to live for 90 or 100 years, having your first relationship at 32 is completely normal. I just think that the culture around us is obsessed with falling in love at 17 like we’re Miley Cyrus in The Last Song. And that’s just not realistic. I was in a relationship for the majority of my teen years, and I wouldn’t say that was real love but a great lesson. You are just learning some lessons a little later on in life, but you have wonderful friends around you, and I’m sure you’ve heard enough of their experiences and your family’s experiences and your co-workers’ experiences to know that whether this works out or not, you’re going to be okay.

Your confidence in being able to maintain your long-distance friends is being shaken because this romantic relationship didn’t pan out for you, but there is a large difference between maintaining a friendship and maintaining a romantic relationship. There are so many other factors. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself to heal and figure things out rather than letting time hold your hand and figure out things with you. I understand that when you’re anxious and uncertain, you just want to know what’s going to happen so you can prepare. But the truth is you didn’t see this love coming, and you probably won’t see the healing coming either.

With love,Tefi, A Dumpee in her life as well!!!

‘My Boyfriend Is in an Open Marriage, and I’m Starting to Feel Lonely’

I’m at a crossroads in my relationship, and I’m not sure what to do. I have been seeing a wonderful man for three years. He’s kind, caring, warm, and deeply empathetic. The catch (because there’s always a catch; why wouldn’t there be?): He is married. It’s an open marriage, so everything is above board and I have actually met his wife (she’s delightful). When he and I are together, it does kind of feel like we’re in our own world. When he’s there, he is very attentive. But when he leaves, it kind of feels like I don’t exist: He barely texts or calls, and we don’t spend as much time together as we used to. He also missed a lot of significant events over the course of this year, including a milestone birthday and events I organized. I understand why he wasn’t able to make it, but I don’t understand not being able to text more often.

I’m starting to feel lonely even within the context of our relationship.

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to just break up with him and never see him again, but feeling this alone even when I’m seeing someone is making me really hurt and really sad. All my friends are married, engaged, or dating someone long term. And I’m the only one who doesn’t have their “person.” Not really. It feels awkward to talk to them about it, so I don’t. And it also feels awkward to be the only person who says “I” all the time instead of “we” like my friends do. It’s awkward to be the “party of one” everywhere I go. And it makes me sad that our lives, mine and the guy I’m seeing, are not more integrated. His mother has no idea he’s in an open marriage and no idea about me. And like I said before, while we do go out for dinner and drinks and to the movies, he never shows up to the big events, and all that seems to do is compound the loneliness. It’s like I’m seeing a phantom or something. Or maybe that’s just me not being gracious and generous enough.

Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated. I’m feeling stuck in the decision-making process and sad at the same time.

With gratitude,Party of One, Sort Of

I think you want more — and I think you deserve more. I know what it’s like to feel as if you only exist when you’re standing in front of someone and become invisible when you aren’t. You want more, and it sounds like you’ve been very gracious and generous with your time and understanding. Take a pause. You don’t have to block him, but feeling lonely in a relationship can start to fuck with your mental health and convince you that’s all you deserve or will ever have. Try taking a step back, and start telling yourself that while you may not understand why you feel lonely in this relationship, feeling lonely is enough of a reason to change this situation.

Like, say, finding someone else to be your main partner and have homeboy on the side. BUT HEY! THAT’S JUST ME! Whatever you do, remember: You deserve someone who makes you feel like the room misses you when you leave it.

‘How Can I Help My Single Bestie Find the Love She Deserves?’

My best friend is truly the kindest, smartest, strongest, gentlest, most selfless, most beautiful, most lovely person. And she somehow also has the worst luck with dating. Especially being a woman of color from the South, she’s been conditioned to think that she’s not men’s type.

We met only months ago, when we started law school together, but even at first impressions (and way more so now) it makes no sense to me that men aren’t constantly fighting over her. She just turned 25, and her sister is getting married this year, so these feelings of “why never me?” are especially heightened. And even amid that all, she’s the biggest cheerleader of other people’s love stories. She is just so wholeheartedly good.

She is super-open and puts herself out there all the time. She has dating profiles and goes up to people in public every time we’re out. But with each unsuccessful attempt, she feels more undesirable and disheartened. There’s nothing else that she should be doing, so I have a hard time thinking of advice to share. And the worst part is that I totally have my person (so annoying!), so any encouragement I want to give just sounds so insensitive and trite.

She knows that she doesn’t ever need a man — she’s one of the most independent, feminist women I know. And she has so many friends who absolutely adore her. But she wants to be loved and feels like she’s the reason why she hasn’t found that yet.

It feels obvious to me that she could only ever deserve the best man in the world and we’re all just waiting for him to show up. But, of course, that’s so hard to believe in her position. I would so deeply appreciate any wisdom you have to share to guide how I can support her through this.

Thank you so much, My Girl’s Cheerleader

I think everyone would love a friend to speak as highly of them as you do with your best friend. I wish I could hug her myself — I know what it is like to watch a friend with so much love to give and no one to give it to (in a romantic way).

Unfortunately, life does not congratulate us for being good people. Also … men are so fucking dumb. I have two friends who have been single for years and it makes zero sense to me. Zerooooo. If they were inanimate objects, they would be warm lightbulbs. I can’t explain it, but men do not appreciate the women right in front of them and it’s maddening.

Truth is, some people never find their person. Truth is, some of the greatest people we know have been single for decades. Truth is, you and her other friends might be her soulmate. But, and I know 25 is the oldest she’s ever been, so it feels more mature, your friend is so so so so so young. Okay, imagine this: You’re 65. Someone asks you, “How long has your best friend been with her husband?” And you say, “Since she was 25.” THAT DOESN’T SOUND FUCKING CRAZY TO YOU??

Save up some cash and get drunk in Europe this summer. Cheer her on as she kisses foreign men on cobblestone streets, and maybe it won’t be until you’re in your 30s that you’ll meet men worthy of your incredible bestie. Her loneliness is valid, but so is knowing you have your whole life ahead of you to make fun of her future husband in the group chat.

Send her my love!! And I love you too!!

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