‘Can I Bring Drugs to Your Wedding?’

I’m getting married next spring, which means my fiancée Mary and I are currently planning a wedding. (Yay!) Lucky for me, Mary is like a millennial Ina Garten, so she’s got almost everything (handmade invites, a multitiered candle plan, table florals) handled already. But planning a wedding has revealed all kinds of opinions I never knew I had — including some fairly specific hopes and dreams for our guests. (For example: As an obsessive Google Calendar devotee, I would prefer to get RSVPs back six months early, if possible.) Ultimately, we just want everyone to have fun. But weddings mean logistics, and logistics mean people have questions — questions not every guest will want to, or should, ask the bride(s) directly. (We’re busy!!) So, with help from etiquette experts, recent brides, experienced wedding guests, and a wedding planner, here are answers to frequently asked wedding-guest questions. Cheers to the happy couples!

How early do you want my RSVP in, actually?

One or two months out is standard, says Nicole Arena, a longtime wedding planner. “That’s the old-school way — you get it a month out because that’s when head counts are due to the venues, catering, etc.,” she explains. In recent years, however, more brides are requesting RSVPs a little sooner, often because they have a secondary tier of guests they’ll invite if space allows (also known, slightly rudely, as “a B-list”). This might work if guests are certain they won’t be able to attend months in advance, but is less helpful when it comes to counting “Yes”-es, Arena says: “People’s schedules change, so I don’t think it’s as accurate. You’re going to have more drop-offs closer to the event.”

I got your invitation a month before the wedding. Was this an honest mistake, or am I on your B-list?

Okay — please don’t overthink this. “Don’t read too much into it,” says Lizzie Post, etiquette expert and co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette — The Centennial Edition. “Some couples make mistakes and realize they missed people, and some couples utilize a B-list and are trying to fill in spaces.” There could be all kinds of reasons for either explanation; what matters is that you’re invited now. “You should be complimented that you’re on my B-list,” adds Lily Marotta, co-host of the podcasts Celebrity Book Club and Tunnel Wars who is getting married this fall. “Take it in a fun, cheeky manner.”

How do I let you know about my very real dietary restriction or allergy without seeming really annoying?

It depends on the severity of your restriction. “If it’s something that can ruin the wedding and make folks have to call 911, let someone know,” says Elaine Swann, who runs etiquette-training courses around the U.S. If there’s a note section on the RSVP, that’s the perfect place to explain it, suggests Post. For people who are confident in working with and around their dietary restriction and/or allergy in daily life, it might make more sense to just pick and choose accordingly. “My dad is allergic to all northern tree fruits when raw,” she adds. “He can eat apple pie if it’s well cooked, but he’s not going to spell that out on an RSVP. He’s just not going to eat the apple pie.”

Can I say no to being in the bridal party?

Yes, yes, a thousand times: YES. Bachelorette parties have become bachelorette trips, and they get more expensive every year. Arena, the wedding planner, attributes the ever-ballooning bachelorette budget to post-COVID wanderlust, a bloodthirsty bachelorette industry, and … Canva. “Everyone’s a graphic designer now,” she laments. “Everyone can make their own merch.” Some brides are asking friends to spend thousands of dollars on bachelorette parties — and that doesn’t include the price of a bridesmaid dress, shoes, and a wedding gift. It is BEYOND reasonable to say no, says Arena. “I tell people to say, ‘Listen, I love you. I’m so honored you asked me. I would love to be involved where I can be, but I’m not in a financial (or emotional, whatever) position to go on that trip,’” she says. “I think brides just want to be heard and feel the friendship.” And for the record, Post says it’s the bride’s job to make it clear that participation is optional, and declining doesn’t mean you’re not excited for her. “A lot of friendships have been blown up over this dynamic in this role, and it just shouldn’t have to be that way,” she adds. You should feel free as a guest to determine your comfort level with what’s being asked of you and pass if you’re not feeling it. “If you’re a butch, and you’re being asked to be part of a bridal party where they’re being like, ‘Just us girls,’ expecting you to put on a dress, heels on, tits out — bail,” says Rachel Scanlon, a comedian who hosted a “Butchelorette party” prior to her nuptials last year.

The invitation doesn’t say “kids allowed.” Are kids allowed?

No offense, I’m sure they are lovely and smarter than expected for their age, but: no. If you’re going to assume anything, assume your children are not invited — but traditional wedding etiquette holds that your answer should be in the way your invitation was addressed. “If you don’t see their names, or the words ‘and family’ or ‘and children,’ then your children are not invited to the wedding,” says Post. And don’t take it personally if you do see a kid or two there — they’re working. “On our FAQ, I noted that my lovely 4-year-old niece will be there as the flower girl, and then she’ll be whisked away,” says Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya, the author and editor who married author Kristen Arnett last year.

Can I ask for a plus-one?

This is a question that can be received fairly well or pretty poorly, depending on the disposition of the couple in question. “I think it’s fine to feel out whether a plus-one is possible based on select criteria,” says Hunter Harris, writer of Hung Up, co-host of Lemme Say This, and a frequent wedding guest. “If you truly don’t know very many people at the wedding (a co-worker situation where you guys bond over hating everyone else, the Craigslist roommate you stayed friends with from 2011, etc.), if it’s an international destination wedding, or if you’ve been with your partner for at least a year and the couple has met them,” you can approach the couple, but you have to be ready for a no. “If the couple says no, it is probably not personal,” adds Harris.

What should I do if I’m running late?

Probably the only thing worse than being late to a wedding is making a big, noisy production over being late. Jaz Smith, a New York influencer who got married in May, says she’d rather not know: “If you’re not in the wedding, I don’t think there’s any need for you to communicate that you’re late,” she says. “I almost blacked out the entire ceremony because I was just so happy and caught up in it that I didn’t even notice who was sitting where, or who was even in the crowd.” If you’re late enough that you’ll miss part of the ceremony, just hang back until the reception, and join the party then. “I’d rather have you be there for the reception and share a moment later than have you interrupt,” adds Smith.

Do you really want me to come to the welcome drinks (or is that code for “This is a party for my closest friends and family”)?

Generally speaking — barring the kinds of psychological mind games certain extended-family members specialize in — if you’ve received an invitation, you can assume you’re wanted. Emily Sundberg, who writes Feed Me and got married in April, puts it simply: “I really want you to try as hard as you can to show up to anything I invited you to.”

How closely do I need to follow the dress code, and what the hell does “boho chic” mean?

Look: We can’t get too deep into this one, or we’d be here all day. (But here’s a list of affordable dress options, if you’re looking!) I think most of us can agree we’ve gotten carried away with our dress-code adjectives, and most people know what’s reasonably appropriate to wear to a wedding. “Technically, the only attire designation you should ever see on a wedding invitation is white-tie or black-tie,” says Post. For anything less formal, she explains, your level of dress should be determined by other cues: the formality of the invitation, the time of the ceremony and reception, and the setting (beach, backyard, church, etc.). Don’t wear white, obviously. And if you’ve got a vision for something iffy, ask the couple. “One of my best friends just asked me if it was okay to wear jeans, but it was in a very specific context that I was into,” says Marotta. “We’re both big country fans, and he’s gonna play a song at my wedding. So he was like, ‘Can I do starched, pressed jeans and a blazer, like I’m at the CMAs?’” Marotta said yes.

Am I allowed to start taking and posting photos the second I arrive, or …?

Unless you’re the kind of famous that means you’ll require guests to put their photos in locked pouches until it’s time to go home, most couples expect their guests to have and use their phones at their weddings, Arena says. (Sundberg agrees: “You can be a bride or a cop. I guess you can try to be both, but you’ll make a lot of lives, including your own, difficult.”) Sometimes, couples will ask guests not to use phones during the ceremony itself, in which case it’s nice to oblige. Some brides might also request that you not post pictures of them until they do. “I posted a TikTok of me getting ready in the dress an hour before I walked down the aisle, because I knew it would make me anxious if someone were to post,” says Smith, the influencer. Other couples are THRILLED by the spotlight. “This is the hottest I’ll ever look, in the most expensive outfit I’ll ever wear,” says Scanlon, the comedian. “Please take pictures of me and post them.”

How should I react if I see any cake smashing?

Help the bride get cleaned up, encourage her to see a therapist, and for the love of God, don’t post the video on TikTok.

This is my friend’s second/third/fourth wedding. Do I still have to send a gift?

Well, look: Divorce isn’t exactly uncommon, and in 2014, the Pew Research Center reported that four in ten new marriages included at least one spouse who was previously married to someone else. (Fun [?] fact: The remarriage rate is consistently and significantly higher for men than for women. I wonder why …) It’s unfortunate, but the blender you gifted the first time around wasn’t enough to sustain a lifelong marriage. Divorce is hard enough, so we probably shouldn’t deny — at least, not anymore. “Old etiquette from the ’80s and earlier really punished second-time brides and grooms,” Post explains. “If they went to your first wedding, they don’t have to get you a gift for your second. That’s bogus. I don’t care how many times you get married — if you’re willing to cross that threshold with someone, and make the commitment legal, there is nothing wrong with getting a gift to celebrate this marriage.” It’s best practice, Post adds, to treat each marriage as its own entity — because it is.

What can I do to be your very favorite wedding guest?

First and foremost, dance your ass off. “My clients really want a fun dance floor, and sometimes they overestimate their friends,” says Arena. “They remember how they were in college and think they’ll rage all night.” Another way to win the couple’s favor: Take lots of gorgeous, flattering photos. The photographers can’t capture everything at every angle. “I once took a photo of the reception ballroom with all the tables set and centerpieces before everyone sat down, and the bride thanked me for it afterward because it wasn’t a POV she had the chance to see,” says Harris. Scanlon agrees: “If you’re coming up to me at the end and you AirDrop me all your behind-the-scenes photos, I love you.”

Is it possible to be “too much” on the dance floor?

Well — yes, but it’s a pretty high bar. Take your cues from the bridal party and the vibe in general, suggests Swann. “Just read the room,” she says. “Do your best to interpret body language and nonverbal cues to let you know if you’re getting a little too crunk, or if you should turn up a little more.” Across the dozens of weddings she’s attended, Joanna Smykowski — an attorney who belongs to a Facebook group in which members welcome strangers to attend their weddings — has seen the power of dance used for good and evil. “I’ve seen people knock into displays or take their shirts off and swing them around,” she says. Neither went over so well. But at another dance, Smykowski says she helped facilitate a rambunctious Rockettes-style kick line to “Mr. Brightside,” which everyone loved. So just feel it out, and remember where you are. “If you’re taking up a whole circle and it’s just you dancing, you might need to sign up for some classes or call Dancing With the Stars, because there’s clearly some main-character movement you need to get out of your system,” says comedian and actress Naomi Ekperigin, who got married in 2023.

Can I bring drugs?

If you’ve done drugs with the couple getting married, and you’ve got the side effects under control, and the wedding isn’t happening in a church or their conservative parents’ house … then, maybe? “I think you have to read the room, know the couple, and know the audience,” says Smith, who adhered to an “out of sight, out of mind” policy. “Be discreet in front of the old people,” suggests Marotta. On the other hand, he says, “I went to a wedding once where the dad I had just met was telling me that he just did Adderall. So maybe it’s actually about offering drugs to adults.” And from Ekperigin, a reasonable plea: “If you’re going to vape, please don’t do it at the dining table!”

I’m not drinking — should I feel weird about the toast?

Never!!! (Easy, right?) There’s an old superstition (variously credited to the U.S. Navy and/or the ancient Greeks) that toasting with water effectively curses the object(s) of the toast. I think we need to let that one go. If you’re worried about drawing attention to yourself while Champagne is being served, just ask for sparkling water and lime (or whatever) instead — any good caterer should be ready for that, says Swann. “Just decline any offers with grace and a backup request,” she adds.

How should straight guests at gay weddings behave?

This one’s just for me and the other gays: At a time when our right to marry is increasingly threatened (and still relatively new), how should straight guests at gay weddings show their support for the couple? For Scanlon, who has “mainly gone to lesbian weddings,” the most important thing straight guests can do is be helpful without wanting praise for it. “I think straight people sometimes want to prove they’re okay with what’s happening, so they’ll do too much, but really it’s about being seen and not heard,” she says. “I need them opening doors and lifting things.” Marotta, too, supports a “less is more” approach. “I think straight people should be kind of their classic straight selves at a wedding: chugging beer, being rowdy on the dance floor, and being normal,” he says.

Is your wedding a safe space to bring up Taylor Swift’s engagement?

Sigh. As someone with a fiancée who is ecstatic to be engaged at the same time as Taylor Swift (with so much love: ?), I wish I could say it’s not, but I recognize the world we live in, and she — Taylor — is always freaking there. Even Post is helpless. “I am a huge Swiftie,” she admits. “I went to the Eras tour in Miami on my 42nd birthday. So I’m biased. I will be the person at the wedding talking about Taylor Swift.” Scanlon, on the other hand, suggests avoiding the subject if at all possible. “Not just because it’s polarizing,” she explains, “but because we don’t have time to get into the lore of her fiddle player from 20 years ago.”

I saw some crazy drama go down. Do you want to know right now, or later?

Speaking for myself: I want to hear everything first thing the next morning, in as much lurid detail as possible, but maybe not until then. Similarly, Upadhyaya says she only found out there was any personal drama at her wedding after the fact. “My friends completely shielded me from it,” she says. “I had no clue. That was a very nice thing for them to do. They knew, ‘Kayla loves drama on a normal day, but doesn’t want to hear about drama at her wedding.’”

Will you be mad if I don’t take home your party favor?

More like outraged! “At my wedding, we gave out magnets, so not only am I expecting you to take that home, I’m also running to your fridge to make sure it’s up when I come over,” says Scanlon. Notably, magnets are small and easy to carry — which any good wedding-party favor should be, according to Arena. “Fifteen years ago, everyone did favors, but now a lot of planners advise against it, because no one takes them,” she says. And when guests don’t take home favors, it’s not the couple who ends up with the extras. “We end up taking home 8,000 personalized honey jars to make sure the bride doesn’t see,” Arena explains. “Now, the only thing I have clients consistently doing is matches. People love matches.”

What’s the best way to leave the party? Irish exit? Or interrupting the happy couple to say good-bye?

The answer here is kind of a math problem you must solve for each wedding separately; it’s like your stamina level divided by your closeness to the couple, multiplied by whether or not you’ll see them at brunch tomorrow. For a select, energetic few, this isn’t even an issue. “I never leave the wedding early, so by the time I’m leaving, everyone’s leaving,” says Smykowski. “Why wouldn’t you stay until the end?” Well — some of us are old. So if you’re not planning to stay until the end, it might be better to Irish exit than say good-bye if it means interrupting the couple’s fun, says Arena. “Unless you’re their closest friend, and you’re walking them out, don’t stop them, because then everyone’s stopping them,” she says. “If you’re just, like, Uncle Bob, just dip out.”

Can I skip the post-wedding brunch?

Feel free to attend only what your schedule (and budget) allows, according to etiquette standards. What’s most important is to extend good wishes and say good-bye to the couple at some point before you head out.

What is the least infuriating way to cancel last-minute (like for an emergency)?

“I’d much rather have a friend decline to attend (and you don’t need to send a gift!) than to cancel last-minute, or show up with some rando emotional-support human who wasn’t invited, who I now have to feed and hydrate,” says Ekperigin. No one will ever be thrilled to hear you’re not able to make it (hopefully …). Once you can accept the inevitability of disappointment, it should be easier to just get it over with — because the couple will find out, one way or another. “I’ve had clients want me to tell them whose cards weren’t taken at the end to find out who didn’t come,” says Arena. “It’s like, ‘Here’s your list of people you’re mad at.’” The etiquette experts agree: If you must cancel, do it apologetically and as soon as possible — through the contact provided on the couple’s wedding website, the wedding planner, or, if those options aren’t available, the parents or someone else in the wedding party.

What’s the one thing a guest could do that would put them on your shit list for life?

Asking annoying questions and openly complaining. “Part of the whole fun of a wedding is commenting and talking shit, but do that with your friends,” says Marotta. Better still: Save your thoughts on the food and/or speeches for after the wedding, just in case. “You never know who can overhear you,” adds Harris. “That guy in the elevator with you could be the maid of honor’s husband. Save it for when you get back to the room.”